Chapter 1

First Chapter

                Swinging his Oak cane at Lenny his grandfather tells him “To hurry the hell up, and get out the door.”  Ducking from the swing Lenny scurries towards the door in the intent to avoid any further attempted blows. Picking up his glass of whiskey the grandfather throws it like it is a fast ball smoking towards home plate. Lenny slowed enough for the glass to slam into the wall in front of him, while his grandfather screamed “You are going to clean that up you retard!” Lenny was slamming the door as the last words echoed in his head.

                Walking quickly to the front door Lenny wonders what he did to deserve this type of treatment from his grandfather. He has only been there for three weeks and the only time there has been any type of warmth was when the social worker dropped him off and his grandfather had a smile bigger than a clowns’ and hugged him like a long lost son.  After only an hour in the house the abuse started. For the first few days it was only verbal, being told he was useless and a little f****t. After that came the physical abuse first it was slaps, then punches started raining down and in the last week it has extended to other objects as well. Breaking free of his thoughts Lenny turned to face the house with disgust, rage and hatred.

                Turning away from the house Lenny ponders where he should go. He wants to report his grandfather, but won’t because he has no other family, and foster care is not an option he cares to explore. He had friends who went through it and they moved a lot and tended to have troubles with the law. Looking both directions down Pine Street, Lenny decides to head towards downtown Benton. 

                Walking along the street Lenny took in the surroundings for the first time. He noticed the large Oak trees reaching for the sky and providing shade for those that wandered the sidewalks. The way the street lights were placed, evenly twenty feet apart and how the sidewalks were perfectly shaped and not even a weed dared to show itself or a blade of grass would dare to fall upon it. Seeing the beauty and precision with which this street is maintained Lenny wonders how a person such as his grandfather could be allowed to live on it.

                Nearing downtown Lenny averted his eyes to the ground and attempted to hide his face the best possible. He didn’t have bruises to hide but ever since his grandfather started hitting him he felt the need to hide his face from strangers the best possible. With his head down Lenny had to walk slower to ensure that he didn’t walk into anyone or anything. He hated walking slow; it made him feel more like a target for people. Lenny tried to block out the idea of people looking at him and judging as he walked sun setting in the west and no destination in mind.

Reviews

[Mark]

A good beginning. You have a knack for character building. Practice reading your material aloud. If you insert punctuation wherever you hear a pause or a change in tone, that will help you avoid the run-on sentences, as in Pp.2:
"After that came the physical abuse. First, it was slaps, then [THE] punches started raining down. In the last week, it HAD extended..." Use HAS extended ONLY if it is the week we are CURRENTLY in; otherwise, HAD. In Pp.5, used the phrases,"hide his face" and "the best possible" twice; try, "attempted to hide his face as well as he could..averted his head (or, lowered his cap) whenever he saw approaching strangers."
Looking forward to Chapter two, tomorrow. Please let me know if you find this detailed critique offensive, so in the future, I can avoid it altogether, or at least do it by PM. Mark

[Emily]

Great beginning, I like the originality of this story, very nice way of pulling people in. The facts without great emotional detail is powerful.

[Star Wolf]

This is very sad, emotional and pulls the reader in. I like a book that starts out that way, not slow or boring at all. Nice first chapter.

[RDOriginal]

This is quite promising and certainly draws the reader in quickly with early character development. The only criticism I can make is that you need to watch the tense. The scene begins with you narrating the action in the current tense which is a great ploy to grab the reader. We see the grandfather throw the glass in the present tense but then the tense changes to the past tense as Lennie "slowed' and the grandfather "screamed". The past tense is great for filling in action or narrating a persons thoughts but in an action scene it lets the reader know that everything works out okay (e.g. "that day he fired a bullet straight at my head" isn't as exciting as "I watch as he pulls the trigger of the gun pointed straight at my head"). Other than that an interesting read.

[Rave]

I like it so far. I'm going to keep reading. Good Job

[Cherrie]

This is a great opening; the only thing I would change is the last paragraph. You have two lines that end in the words... the best possible... sometimes it is a good thing to repeat ones self. However in this case I think you should rework one of the lines. With that said this was a good intro. Try to keep in mind if your story doesn’t have a lot of dialog it should have a strong audible feel to it. As if you were telling it to someone over a beer. Cherrie

[Abhinav]

I 'll definately be watching this space for more of your work...its got me hooked to say the least....great job!