First Step

I decided to take a shot at a love story.

 

She stood her whole body stiff and alert, known as Gabriela her tall and beautiful red hair laid loosely around her upper body. What would you do if you were about to die? Gabriela only stood in shock as the clean looking man pointed a gun in front of her face. She could easily tell he has killed before, his eyes staring straight at her with no guilt or fear only the sharpness of a killer. She didn’t cry, why should she? She knew it would do nothing to change the bullet that will soon be deep in her skull. Instead, she stared back making sure her killer would have no choice but to remember her face.

            His arm was fully extended; they stood a small room length away. They were in Gabriela’s room, the only room that made up her apartment. The man had an attractive youthful look to him, his bones shaped beautifully under his tight and tan skin. Gabriela was a witness of his crime, she caught him killing her neighbor and before she could hide he found her as she packed. If only she didn’t scream in fright, she would be gone from this place, the place she has been trying to leave for years, for it now held too many sad memories.

            He lowered his gun, he wore black dress pants and a white shirt neatly tucked in. He only stared with his deep green eyes, his dark hair curling next to his cheek bone. “Are you letting me go?” Gabriela asked, careful not to make a move in her small and old room. He did not say anything, only stood next to the door, which glowed beautifully from the streetlamps outside. She stepped to the side, her dress waving slightly from her sway of caution. “You looked at me for too long,” he said quietly but still stared up in Gabriela’s face.

            She stepped closer and realized he was now pointing the gun at her face yet again. She stopped yet again “I’m not going to say that I’m not going to tell anyone what you did because I now you would think I was lying,” she said, determined to not die afraid. “Will you?” he asked lifting his head a bit, the shadow of the street lamp allowing his green eyes to glow brilliantly. Gabriela now glared back “No,” she said sternly. He lowered his gun yet again.

            She now slowly walked to the door and instead of running away, she stared at the man. He did not flinch but instead stepped closer to Gabriela. “I will not forget you,” he whispered extremely close to her. A sudden excitement filled them both now that all the threat from them both was gone, never breaking the eye contact and only making it that much stronger. There was something familiar about his scent and the way he stared.

            Gabriela stepped closer “Dean?” she asked shock filling her blue eyes. His stern look vanished and a sudden clank made Gabriela jump, the gun was now on the floor. He now stared even stronger at Gabriela, stepping so close that the tips of his shoes met hers. “You remembered,” he said shock filled his voice. “How could I forget you, we were so close! Why did you just vanish?” Gabriela said, her breath bringing motion to his dark and slightly curly hair. “I vanished because I was forgotten,” he said yearning to be closer to Gabriela but not daring to.

            Gabriela threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly as tears dripped off her face. “I never forgot you!” She screamed as sobs began to choke her. His hands gripped her as if to never let her go. Dean’s whole posture changed as if he has just become a completely different person. “Yes, my name is Dean and I am not forgotten,” the man that now held Gabriela was human and not a killer, but a man with something to live for… something to be remembered for.

Reviews

[No one]

The twist at the end was unexpected, that's sure. I always admire a good twist.

Besides tense issues, which every writer must suffer to find and correct, I want to touch on the plot. There are some glaring holes in the plot which make the story unbelievable. These are things your readers will notice.
First, a woman who witnesses a murder would probably not go into her apartment and pack her clothes. She would call the police, right? Or a friend. She'd freak out. With that in mind, this sentence just doesn't make sense---->before she could hide he found her as she packed.

This was good! I liked the twist. I thought the way you described your characters was great. I felt that they seemed real. That is a good quality in a story.

[jen -- JG]

I did not see the twist at the end - a very good cover for it. Well done for that.

I do a couple of concerns plot wise though - Would someone who had witnessed a killing been "with it" enough to go back to her room and pack to leave - or would she get the hell out of there as fast as posible.

Once the killer found her in her room, would he just stand there taking so long to dispose of the witness to his crime.

I realise the whole thing would take mere moments in real time and Gabriela was a brave young woman to attemp to force him to remember her long after he'd murdered her.

The transition each went through towards the end was handled well and to an extent leaves this open to future story lines..

What happened to them?

Overall a good plot, a good story line showing promise for future chapters and very easy to read.

I enjoyed the story.

jen-JG

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I love this story! It has just enough info to keep me reading! Great work!