Downer

I was having a bad day.....typed this on my mobile......felt better. It's about boredom and slight depression maybe?

 

Downer

 

I feel the tedium in my stomach.

It's like the knot of a tournique,

the final pull of a hangmans noose,

can someone stop the monotony,

and cut me loose?

Author's Note

What do you think of the dialogue, putting to one side grammar problems?
After that, any grammatical issues that are there, I would appreciate feedback.Thankyou

Reviews

[Que]

Short, not nearly sweet but you know what I mean. It is a bit depressing, but it's also hopeful, because why would one ask for help if they truely thought help would never come?

~Que

PS- It's spelled "tourniquet," if I've got the right meaning in mind.

[THE BLACK SEAL]

i found myself thinking of a great song by one of my favorite bands jack hall by steeleye span... i rather enjoyed this, and i think t is clever that you typed it on your mobile

[Ani Ashford]

I rather like the gut level writing style, pardon my pun. Your words are succinct and to the point, telling a story in a very condensed and powerful way. Well done. Don't worry about the grammar. You can always go back at a later time and ponder such.

[Daniel Rodrigues Martin]

Ahh, I think it's kind of cool that you used a series of similar yet different images to reinforce a single idea. Personally I think the dialogue is pretty nice, but it's hard to say too much about this since it's such a short piece.

Overall the metaphor of a tightening rope representing monotony is viable. I've had times in my own life where the searing tedium has seemed to choke the life--the goals, the hopes, the dreams--right out of me. Like I was going nowhere and accomplishing nothing. It's suffocating, really, and I think you personified that quite well.

Grammar wise, you should probably have a dash after line two. Period after line three. Capitalize line four, kill the comma in line four. Don't need to change line five as far as I can tell.

This is probably one of the better pieces I've review today--'ve been on a bit of a reviewing frenzy, actually. So, I hope my comments have been constructive and helpful to you in at least some small way.

-D