This is me

      I'm going to take you on a trip of how it all started. Ok so to start my name is Rose Johnsen, I was born on July 12, 1998. I am a doctor at the Apple Green Hospital in Johnson city. I'm 21 I live in the city well … lived. After what happened I will never go back because that man is out there somewhere. Who knows what he’s done to his face, his hair, his skin for all I know he could be my neighbor! Ok, so that’s enough about me now let me tell you what happened and be prepared if you have trust issues then this book may not be the best for you to read but if you still want to read it then that’s ok cause I was he same way hope you have fun on the journey through the real tragic life I managed to live through. This is how it all started I was in New York city at the time and I was in a bar I can't quit remember the name of the bar hold on let me think. Oh, I remember it was called Bikini Babes or something like that. That night was all a blur. I remember walking into the bar with my Esperela Pendergrasp my grandma who is also my chaperone at the bar. Some guy that was sitting at the bar offered to buy me a drink. I said “sure" this dude looked offlay familiar I know him from some where I can remember where. Grandma told me she was going to dance. Even though she may be old she likes to dance and let me tell you that little old lady can shake her hips like there's no tomorrow. I sat there watching her for a while and man was she good she was better than most of the people out there. I felt a hand on my shoulder so I turned around to see who it was, and it was the guy that asked if he could buy a drink for me. I asked for his name and he said “Aelvid Vanderwalt.” He asked for mine I told him “Rose Johnsen.” The conversation went on and on. A little while later, i started to feel dizzy and my head was spinning. He offered to take me home and I accepted to offer. Man, I regret that after I got in the car I blacked out and when I woke up i was in his bed. 

Author's Note

I don'advet know about this... Any tips?

Reviews

[Christoph]

This could be a great story. It's difficult to write about tragedy, and especially mental health, but so long as you're brave and honest it will resonate with people.

I think you're off to a great start.

For improvements, I think the most important thing you can do right now is add some white space, which will help people process your words without getting lost. Blocks of text without line breaks can confuse readers and leave them feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Just start a new paragraph whenever the subject changes. If you're not sure, I would err on the side of more white space. Never really hurts.

Your story has certainly caught my interest, so I'll keep reading.

[Einstein Noodle]

well ... edit edit edit ... correcting small grammatical and semantic errors tells readers that the author is serious about writing ... ;) that being said .. your character as a 21 year old Doctor is not as believable as one who is older and has done the 8 yrs of schooling and then 4-10 more as a resident ;) research pays off .. I like the fast introduction of your protagonist ... its unusual she is with her Grandma chaperone ... but cultures are varied ... the theme, so far, is strong and clearly stated .. it is sadly relevant these days when date rape is a horrific crime ... not only in clubs and bars but on campuses everywhere ... I want to read on .. your closing of the first chapter sinks the hook deeper ... welcome to the Cafe' .. I read your About me and as far as I know you are the youngest writer here .. good for you!! writing helps us all to grow, heal, express ... all kinds of things ...
E.

[JayG]

Well, you did ask for tips, so...lets get you onto the path to success:

First is a deep secret that I doubt even one person in your school knows: The true purpose of school, As it has been from the beginning of public education, is to provide employers with a pool of potential workers who have a predictable, and useful set of skills. In other words, they're readying you to be a self-supporting adult, not teaching you the profession of fiction-writer.

Makes sense, right? Think about how many reports and essays you were assigned this year, and how many stories. That will tell you the kind of writing they have been teaching you. By now, I'm sure you're pretty good at writing reports and essays. But has even one teacher talked about what a scene is, and the elements that make it up? Have they explained the significant differences between a scene on the screen and one on the page?

The answer to that is no, and for a very good reason. Professions are learned IN ADDITION to the skills we're given in our schooldays. And isn't Fiction-Writing a profession? See the problem? At the moment, you're trying to write fiction with nonfiction writing skills. So...

So now you know something else damn few hopeful writers ever learn: You can't use your schooldays writing skills for fiction. And as proof, fully 75% of what publishers and agents receive as submissions are written with the skills we're given in school. Publishers call them, "Unreadable." Of the remaining 25% all but 3% are viewed as amateur. And of those final three, two are probably not right for that agent/publisher, because the author failed to do their research.

So in a way, this is great news. If you take the time to add in the necessary writing techniques, and perfect them—and, you send your work to the proper house, you jump ahead of 99 out of 100 hopeful writers.

Obviously, that means a lot of time, study, and practice, but if you don't spend that time, you're writing for yourself because only those who have done the work—that three in a hundred—are even in the game.

And there's more good news. If you truly are meant to be a writer, the learning will be fun, like going backstage at a professional theater.

So, where do you find the knowledge you need? The local library's fiction writing department can be a huge help (but not the school's). It's filled with the views of pros in the field: writers, teachers, publishers and agents.

My personal suggestion:

1. Look at a few of the articles in my writing blog. They're meant to give someone like you an idea of the kind of things writers need to take into account, and the misunderstandings we come to writing with. There are some short stories there, too, to show what those things I talk about look like in operation.

2. If you can convince your personal Santa to part with $10 for a kindle download of Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict, do so. It's a gentle introduction to the nuts and bolts issues of writing scenes that will sing to the reader. And it may well help raise your English grades a bit.

If that's not possible, hit the library and seek a book on writing technique. They may have James Scott Bell's, Elements of Fiction Writing, which is another good choice.

If that's not available, a book by Jack Bickham, on writing is also excellent.

I know this isn't what you were hoping to hear, but I thought you'd want to know. And you did ask, so...

Hang in there, and keep on writing.
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/