Not today Death

A Poem by Riley Malvin

The damned road that I been travelin'
Can't be the right one;

It’s shown itself to be a dead end

I felt like I was running against the clock

Hurtling through a tunnel bathed in light, Experiencing a sudden, shattering shock. And still the peaceful overarching sight That all would be well for me over there Hurtling through a tunnel bathed in light. Then I felt my soul in astral everywhere A sense of resolution brought peace anon, That all would be well for me over there. Suddenly light at tunnel’s end was dawn, A whisper said the time had not yet come Filmy curtains of separation were drawn,

And I’m still smiling

© 2022 Riley Malvin

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Reviews

JayG

A suggestion: When I look at your work, it all seems to be you telling the reader about you. But ask yourself, what's in it for the reader? From their viewpoint, someone they know nothing about is complaining about how they feel. And who goes looking for that?

Look at the first stanza, here. You tell the reader that the unknown direction your life has been taking didn't work. But unless the reader knows what that life was like, and what, about it didn't work, the statement is meaningless to the reader, because they lack context.

And the rest of the piece is you complaining that things aren't what you want them to be, without even saying what the problem is, or why there was a "dead-end." So how can there be anything from the reader but, "Uhh...okay."?

We don't tell the reader how we feel, in poetry. We make THEM feel. As e. L. Doctorow put it, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” He was talking about fiction, in general, but it applies to poetry, as well.

The only writing technique we learned in our school days was fact-based and author-centric. Nonfiction, in other words, given to ready us for the kind of writing employers need from us. But fiction and poetry use an approach that's emotion-based and character-centric—a methodology your teachers never mentioned as existing. In poetry and fiction, we work to place the reader into the situation and make them feel they're experiencing it, not hearing about it second hand, from a dispassionate voice that talks TO us.

The idea is to make the reader feel and care, not be well informed on our life decisions and problems. And since the approach isn't even mentioned in our school days, we need to acquire those techniques IN ADDITION to the general skills of our school days.

So...I know this wasn't what you hoped to hear, but it's a problem you'll not notice, because you DO have context and intent guiding you as you read, so I thought you might want to know.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Posted 2 Years Ago

Look at the first stanza, here. You tell the reader that the unknown direction your life has been taking didn't work. But unless the reader knows what that life was like, and what, about it didn't work, the statement is meaningless to the reader, because they lack context.

And the rest of the piece is you complaining that things aren't what you want them to be, without even saying what the problem is, or why there was a "dead-end." So how can there be anything from the reader but, "Uhh...okay."?

We don't tell the reader how we feel, in poetry. We make THEM feel. As e. L. Doctorow put it, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” He was talking about fiction, in general, but it applies to poetry, as well.

The only writing technique we learned in our school days was fact-based and author-centric. Nonfiction, in other words, given to ready us for the kind of writing employers need from us. But fiction and poetry use an approach that's emotion-based and character-centric—a methodology your teachers never mentioned as existing. In poetry and fiction, we work to place the reader into the situation and make them feel they're experiencing it, not hearing about it second hand, from a dispassionate voice that talks TO us.

The idea is to make the reader feel and care, not be well informed on our life decisions and problems. And since the approach isn't even mentioned in our school days, we need to acquire those techniques IN ADDITION to the general skills of our school days.

So...I know this wasn't what you hoped to hear, but it's a problem you'll not notice, because you DO have context and intent guiding you as you read, so I thought you might want to know.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Rating /100