cracks in her glass_2

in mourning for lost love, he looks in the mirror for some answer

his shadows stare toward

way too many mirrors

with cracks,

sharpened to a jeweler’s point…

other glass

(dull and lifeless)

subdued and silent;

sand from a nameless beach.

his parade of (stiffened) failures

tossed down boulevards

of disrepair;

bands marching backward down-

ward, past the photos crucified into the stair-

case (overlaid by glass,)

pics of her being lazy and faded.

he glances toward each cracked

looking glass (now looking back)

and whispers a plaintive phrase,

wishing she were here

intact.

 dan © 2016

 Music: “Can’t Stand Losing You,” by The Police

 

Author's Note

Reviews

[dan]

Re-written, prompted by a good friend. A good deed done and I reap the rewards. Thank you, T.

[Taylor]

Dan, sad poem, one which most of us can find meaning in -- for the lost loves we've suffered and still mourn. As you know, I don't know anything about poetry so take the following as a grain of salt.
There were several lines that switched images and which at least for me interrupted the flow. One was "sand from a nameless beach," where you switch from the image of the broken glass to sand and a beach. The other was "with lustrous flavor…her favorite recipes" where you move from the marching band to food/recipes. The poem is lovely and lyrical.

[dan]

Taylor, I always appreciate your feedback due to the fact that you are such a talented writer. And constructive criticism is always welcome. The two spots in the piece to which you alluded are explainable; the first one directly and the second one (admittedly abstract) in a roundabout way. The "sand from a nameless beach" line was breaking glass down to its basic structure. I could very well be mistaken on this but I believe that sand is one of the entities that make up glass' contents. I hope I am not mistaken on this. If not you have a very valid and helpful point. I will research.
In the last 4 or 5 years my writing has evolved into a more abstract for which I have come to enjoy employing. That's the case here. And I agree that "marching band" to "lustrous flavor" IS a big leap. I'm going to really think about this. I was trying to describe abstractly equating music to a big mixing pot, a stem maybe. And I was saying that he or she adore music and imagine favorite songs if they could "mix 'em up." Different musical notes or ideas as well as lyrical, thinking "wow, wouldn't it be great if instead of THIS they wrote and replace it with THAT?" I thought of this as the bridge to recipes. Because they were HER recipes (the first mention of HER...maybe I should have introduced that character sooner.
You really are making me think, and the chance to take time to do it is great; a super prompt. I hope that my 'explanations' helped you understand at least where I was trying to go. And again, thank you for your constructive criticism. Very much appreciated. take care...dan

[Taylor]

Thank you for your kindness, Dan. Yes, glass essentially is sand, so I did get the connection but it felt abrupt to me, but perhaps only to me. I did not connect music and food, though as you explain it, I understand your thinking. I suppose many others might make that jump. However for the duds like me, would it be better to lengthen the poem and give a few hints as you make those transitions so they are woven deeper into the fabric of the poem? Something to think about. Nevertheless, it is a poignant poem as it is.

[Taylor]

Much improved. "Past the photos crucified into the stairway" seems a little long and forced to me.

[dan]

Well, I am sorry that you don't care for the change either. It's hard for me to scrub the taint of one bad verse and try to replace it with a new thought in keeping with the original theme I had in mind. Thank you again for sharing your opinion, always appreciated. take care...dan

[Taylor]

Dan, it's not that I don't like the second version. That's absolutely not the case. Perhaps I misspoke. It's just that one line that doesn't flow for me the way that the rest of the poem does. Actually as I look at it I think it's the word "crucified". But you're the poet and the authority of your own work. Besides, as I've always confessed, I know zilch about poetry, so chalk it up to that. This is a fine poem and I'm pleased that you shared it with me.

[dan]

It's flawed, as are most of my writes. Thank you for the kind words. take care...dan

[Taylor]

Join the club. I've never written anything that isn't. For once, I'd really like to actually finish a story, but each time I think I have something else crops up.

[Ruth]

Beautiful even though painful...you always thread a magnificent emotion through your writing Dan...it holds me right there and makes me wonder on the flip side...how does one heal as such and if they do is it ever the same...beautifully emotive Dan...blessings...

[dan]

Thank you Poppy. This was 100% fictional, which I believe sometimes helps me to inject more emotion than if I was really writing about a painful lost love. As always I appreciate your feedback, many thanks! take care...dan

[Matching Socks]

It's a very sad and painful feeling and I like the lines and words you've chosen, cracked instead of broken...
This leaves an opportunity for mending. Either the person or the relationship. Nice one dan.

[dan]

Thanks so much Ana. I often find it easier to write with raw emotion when the piece is fictional (which this was.) I always appreciate your reviews and your kind words. (BTW, my writer's block has even affected my ability to do read reviews. I'll get caught up and return the favor, promise!) take care...dan

[Matching Socks]

Dan, whenever you pop in it is always a treat because I never expect it. At your leisure. :)

[stargirl23]

Loved this, you used the word "cracked" in many intriguing ways

[dan]

Adi, Thanks again. It was a relief to have finally gotten something written. Thank you so much for your kind words. take care...dan