While Looking Back

Over the years and recently, I've needed help. Getting it, and then coming home, can stir up a myriad of feelings. My synopsis here ->

I was destined to fall after losing it all

But excuses are empty and can’t scale the wall;

So I traipse through the stark and starless night,

Hearing makes up for my lost second sight,

The blanket of emptiness covering it all.

 

My trips filled with envy…each hospital bed

Provides rigid comfort; the thoughts in my head

Are vast and complete but not quite connected…

But the candy they give me will leave me protected;

Why are the results so conflicted instead?

 

Self is a notion, identity wavers

Such contradiction does me no big favors.

I avoid any twists in my return or reason;

Why is recovery never in season?

My candy cane mind must have millions of flavors.

 

The shocks and their jolt wear a clever disguise,

A machine spewing smoke that can scramble my eyes.

Now I must pack my bags for the trek to my home;

Though happily married I feel so alone.

Such a quandary itself is a faint compromise.

 

dan © 2016

 

Music: “These Are the Days of Our Lives,” by Queen

Author's Note

Reviews

[Amber Lily]

dan, throughout everything you have been through, it lead you here. To creating such work like this with words that make your readers tremble. Within each poem I get but only a taste of your candy cane mind, and it's fantastic. The way you put words together and make your reader feel something. I will never forget it :)

[dan]

Thank you Amber, this is quite flattering. I like to make readers think a little bit and I seem to have had that effect with your read. I really appreciate it! take care...dan

[Amber Lily]

As always, you're most welcome :)

[Neytri]

This was so heart touching. Although I never experienced something exactly like this, U still could relate to the pain so well. You expressed your feelings in such a magnificent way. In situations like this, writing plays its role. When we have no one else to share our feelings with, a pen and a paper embraces us. This was wonderful. Congratulations. :)

[Neytri]

* I could relate....

[dan]

Neytri, I'm glad you could relate to the writing without having first-hand knowledge of the cause of the pain. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review. Thank you so much. take care...dan

[Ruth]

Although I haven't been in hospital for treatment, I understand the emptiness and feelings expressed here...I have feelings of such emptiness with depression...I understand the feeling of safety you may get in such an environment...I don't usually mention such but this is such a heartfelt flow of thoughts Dan and I know when one feels such aloneness no words can make any difference because it is a personal journey...however...I do send positive thoughts my friend...sometimes to know you are heard can offer a sliver of light in that darkness...blessings Dan...

[dan]

I very often go overboard in my reviews and replies (incurably verbose) but this one is simple: Thank you so much for your kind words. And I appreciate the fact that you revealed your disorder to me, it makes me trust you so much more. Thanks again!! take care...dan

[Ruth]

Sometimes the ebbs and flows of life connect...you are most welcome Dan, take care too...

[Rafy T.Nym]

I'm completely impressed and equally speechless! I might not be wise and experienced enough to understand the whole situation, but I can understand enough of it.
Dan, I just read a poem and there was a theme about 'Silent fighter' that I liked for the uniqueness. I'm absolutely sure that the fight you are fighting can't be categorized, cause it has a uniqueness of its own. It's really inspiring to see that you didn't give up, that's because you have the 'Strength'.

Keep writing and don't feel alone. You have a pen and paper to give you company, also a bunch of good people that might include me. :-)

[dan]

Yes it does include you, if for nothing else the caring and compassion you've expressed to me. I will enlighten you about what the poem stands for, ready?
About 33 years ago I was diagnosed having bipolar disorder. Since then Anxiety Disorder w/OCD features (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.) Since then I've been hospitalized at least 40 times in psych wards. The title, "While Looking Back" is a short nod to all those years and all those voluntary or involuntary commitments. When I suggest that it is also tough going home from these episodes, it is because while in the hospital I have the weird feeling that I'm "safe." The big bad world out there can't get me. And while I appreciate you telling me "don't feel alone," the feeling alone quandary is actually one of the recurring symptoms I have.
Thank you so much for the kind words. take care...dan

[Dani The Unreviewed]

Hmmm... Getting back into "regular " circulation, after some time away from it, can be a lot tougher than being away. Well done.

[dan]

Thanks Danny. Yes sometimes going into the hospital for treatment is easier than coming home. I guess because in the hospital I'm in a locked-down ward...it makes me feel strangely protected, the big bad world can't get to me in there. Going home can be frightening till getting adjusted again. Thank you for your read/review, always appreciated. take care...dan

[Dani The Unreviewed]

My pleasure :)

[.]

Dan....i say this first. To me, this is the most brutally honest piece of writing i have ever read in my time here on writerscafe.
Very personal, extremely well versed and rhymed, with a theme that many of us would acknowledge in some form of understanding, without REALLY understanding it.
We all have our demons, Dan, especially all of us poets as Jacob has mentioned below. Just know that all of us here have got your back, and will give you any support we can. Chin up, mate. Keep the words flowing. You are a damn fine poet, one i'm proud to have as a friend and reader of my work here on writerscafe.

A brilliant write, as always. Take care.

[dan]

Thank you Doodley. I was diagnosed bipolar/anxiety disorder when I was 26, 33 years ago. In that time I've been hospitalized approx. 40 times. So the title alludes to looking back at all of those times; it's tough going in but strangely a bit tougher coming home.
I often think that my usual readers will tire of my writing about my condition, even though I don't often do so. Your "we've got your back..." is reassuring and I appreciate it. take care...dan

[.]

Anytime, Dan.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i relate to this in my own way...many friends but sometimes feeling totally alone, even so...and i have family but the one i'm close to is losing it...his memory sagging, he is far away and aging more...but my contact so limited because another family member makes me feel like i have no family...

damn, the aloneness of a poet...we live in our own world of stanzas that don't rhyme or mesh with others...poets understand each other , though...and you are home here among those who feel what you feel.

wonderfully written piece, dan.

j.

[dan]

jacob, I'm sorry that your brother is in dire straits and that another family member gums up the works so badly. I was always the black sheep of my family; they are all dead now except my big brother. We are cordial but not close. He's my polar opposite and HE wants it to always be that way.
The degree of lonesome feelings among poets is something I've rarely, if ever, thought about. But it makes perfect sense, especially the part about poets understanding each other. And my friends and other poets on WC make me feel at home, a slightly weird comfort zone.
Thanks so much for your review and kind words, I appreciate your feedback all the time. take care...dan

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i appreciate your words, my friend..it's actually my dad, who is nearing the end...and because of my sister i have so little contact...i also experienced being the black sheep for so long...but then she became that...and resented me all the more...so unnecessary to have competition among siblings...we should all just get along.

[dan]

Amen, jacob...dan

[JayceeC]

You keep building and that is the most important thing. Are you familiar with the writer James Hanna-Magill? he is a long time member here that is off and on due to his struggle with bipolar disorder. He has also become of close personal friend of mine. So much of this also reminds me of him. I think you have seen some of the poems that we have co-written, but except for this not being in strict meter, it could have been from his hand as well....right down to his favorite Queen song.

I think my point is that you don't suffer any of this alone, however disjointed you may feel. There are thousands of others who go through the same thing, although each person is unique in their needs and thoughts. You need candy to keep your thoughts/emotions organized, Otto needs candy to keep his heart beating. Not sure which is worse on the whole.

I'm glad you are out and writing again. Don't spend too much time obsessing on the site. It's easy to do when there is a lot of interactions. And as James always says, "Eat. Sleep. Take your drugs." and maybe tomorrow will be a happy place.
Hugs
Jan

[dan]

Jan, First of all, I am clueless when it comes to the language of writing; for instance I'm not sure what is meant by "not being in strict meter." I always accept constructive criticism so if you could would you write back and tell me what it means? I thank you in advance.
The name James Hanna-Magill doesn't ring a bell, even from your collaborations. I'd like to read his stuff but don't know how to find him; could you tell me how to search for specific writers? Or go to his page and send me one of his writes in a read request? I'm interested to see his work.
I know there are maybe a million Americans who share my disorder, so I've got company. But when one of my mood eclipses hits I still feel very alone, even if Dee's in the same room. It's pretty frightening. But I thank you immensely for being willing to try to understand what James and I go through. And I DO have happy days, just not many in a row.
I hope Otto is doing better and I thank you again for your interest and concerns. I consider you a good friend, Jan. take care...dan

[JayceeC]

Strict meter just means every line has the same number of syllables and the exact same rhythm or bouncy-ness. Da' dum Da' dum
Your schema is
12 12 10 10 12
11 11 11 13 10
11 11 13 11 12
11 12 12 11 13 so while fairly even..enough to have a rhythmic flow, it's not in rigid structure.
James's icon is already close to the tip of my friend list, but I'll send you some of his work.

[JayceeC]

Ps...the comment about strict meter was not a Christian of this poem. More to the observation that he has distinctive writing patterns in that there is no free verse. He used a pattern for his poems. You may use rhyme, but you let your lines flow within some boundaries and just write. I never can guess what your structure will be. You are free and Easy. I have sent some poems, but he also has a novel that is based on his life there. It is an early version, but a good read if you take it in short chapters. But if I remember right you struggle to stay focused with pieces, hence, the poems.

[dan]

Thank you Jan. Yes I know what you mean by my rhyming writes do not follow strict meter; I've always had a problem adhering to that structure, though I do try. A lot of times I don't have the right rhyming word or phrase to end a line so I go with my original word and hope that it will at least be a clean read. So I'll keep trying. Thanks so much for your tutelage, and I am not saying that sarcastically. You're always on point with writing styles and rules and regulations, if you will. (Or even if you won't 8^) ) take care...dan

[JayceeC]

Lol hugs. Here is one more top to release your rhyming frustrations.
Http://www.rhymezone.com

[ANTO]

We are so many things to ourself - confidante, guide, council, source of love and humour but when we lose our self to the pressures of life and our own wonky-wiring (in my case) then we feel so abandoned and worthless but we will begin again at the beginning Dan and rebuild as we do.
Glad to see you back my friend.
:))

[dan]

Thank you as always ANTO. I look at it as being rewired progressively and picking up lost pieces to complete the puzzle. Thank you, sir!! take care...dan

[Antoñyo]

Well, I consider writing as a form of therapy, and it appears you're doing just fine going on the talent alone. This piece drips, it flows so well. Keep writing. Keep gettin' over!

Thanks for the share.

[dan]

Antonyo, Your review is packed with wisdom and kindness, and for that I am very appreciative. Now I'm headed over to your page to return the favor. Thanks so much. take care...dan

[Antoñyo]

You're welcome

[zaisham9393]

I am sorry you are going through this.You're an amazing person and I don't know you that well, but I know that you care about others and you are an awesome poet as well, and I hope that writing this helps you feel better.I hope things get better for you dearest friend. Thank You for sharing :)!

[dan]

Zaisha, I feel that we here on WC "know" our 'friends' a bit more than we even realize. I too consider you an amazing and talented person with a bright future lit by the sun and stars. Thanks so much for your review, and your kind words. take care...dan

[zaisham9393]

You are welcome : )!