No-Show Dad

a son's lifelong lament about an alcoholic father who was never around

The self-inflicted gunshot wounds

Bored holes in high-topped feet,

While streets on which he stumbled

Humbled not elitist thoughts or deeds.

His military bearing, while not wearing

Creaseless uniforms

Informed the ones he cowered from that

He could never be the one.

 

When all I wanted was to live within his shadow,

His black light,

His fight to suffer by himself, with me in sight,

So deathly cold. How could what he

Should not have done surround his wretched life,

Without a thought for me, his son,

Or his wife of cheating, leading me;

Told of this calamity, he fled without

His sanity, his illness blamed for all he’d done.

The bottles in the dark could now bear witness

To his one stark illness, wrapped in lies and doubt.

 

The times in which I needed to

Succeed within my social growth, he both

Denied and disappeared, a thousand twisted

Miles away. These days had left me bitter;

He admitted that he’d died as dad…

Now I’m an orphaned son.

 

dan © 2015

 

Music: “Father O.S.A.,” by Styx

 

Author's Note

Reviews

[Ronny]

Wow really strong words about yourself..
I can in ways relate to the son as I had a father I loved but still despised....

Thanks for sharing a strong story Dan.

[dan]

Ronny, I actually wrote this in my son's voice. I was the s****y dad many years ago, both his mother and I never won any awards...we were constantly fighting, and we got divorced when Josh was 5. I was being discharged from the Navy so I had to come back to Pittsburgh, leaving him behind in Florida. Fortunately we have mended all fences since then and he's 32 now and we're probably closer than we've ever been. I go down to Pittsburgh about 7 or 8 times a year to see him and my 3 grandchildren. Some bad stories DO have good endings. Thanks for the review. take care...dan

[Ronny]

That makes it even stronger.
Could not be easy to write this.
I'm glad things are going better, my dad died before we got the chance to reconcile.
So I'm very happy for you and your son.

Thanks again for sharing Dan

[Confuser]

Dan: Very good poem. It's full of your emotional strenght and the visual of it all is very clear through your wonderful use of language, and the title is great too. It is so sad, so melancholy and the death of a parent, at their own hands is so impossible to absorb completely, your poem is very descriptive. I couldn't imagine the strong feelings of abandonment and blame a child or an adult would feel if this happened. Great song, and band - saw them years ago. Many great words and many great lines. Thanks for a wonderful poem. Take care.....Dale

[dan]

Dale, That's not quite what I had in mind for the meaning, but I like your interpretation as much as my own! And I can easily look at the piece and see how you reached that conclusion. However a reader such as your self interprets my writing, it is never wrong; you saw it your way and for that I am so grateful that you enjoyed it. Thank you so much for your insights. take care...dan

[Confuser]

You're welcome Dan...talk later....Tks.

[~]

Dan,
this must have been a very difficult write. Not only to acknowledge a painful past, but to tell it through the sentiments of your son. I am happy that now you two are close. :D

[dan]

ms, Thank you, and thank goodness my son knows forgiveness even when it is probably not deserved. HE'S the star of this write. take care...dan

[Jesse]

Nice write, I like how you use music in your poems. I feel for you bro on this one. Not easy at all.

[dan]

Jesse, Thank you, I don't know if it was clear but I wrote this in my own son's voice; I was the s****y dad. This is concerning his youthful years, he's 32 now and lives about 70 miles from me in Pittsburgh and I go down to see him and my three grandkids regularly. We are now close, thank God. Thanks for the review. take care...dan

[RiverRei]

It's such a tragedy when something like this happens. I didn't have to go through this myself but I wish this was something discussed more in society because I believe it to be more prevalent an issue than any of us realize.

Overall, though, I loved this peace. I could feel the emotion throughout it as if I was the boy that longed to have his father's approval and presence in his life. The song fit very well with this poem as well. Thank you for sharing, Dan :)

[dan]

I wrote this piece in my son's voice, I was the no-show dad. Neither his mother nor I could get past our own demons and divorce to give Josh the guidance he needed. Thankfully he ended up a great guy...he's now 32 years old with three kids (my grandchildren) that live about 70 miles away and I get down to Pittsburgh to see them as often as possible. We are, thankfully, very close now. Thank you for your kind review. take care...dan

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

Dan, this is one of your most magnificent writes yet. In a dignified manner, you were able to portray the plight of a military father with a mental illness that has not been properly addressed and the plight of the son who cannot develop accordingly into adulthood by all the horrors he has to face on a daily basis, by the lack of love and care he is given. I cannot help but feel empathy for both of the protagonists. They both suffer, just differently.

[dan]

Nadia, I actually wrote this in my own son's "voice," with the a*****e dad being me when he was young. Due to his mom and dad's divorce, I had to move back to PA from Florida, didn't really see him regularly till he was 18 and moved back to Pittsburgh. Thankfully he turned out great, he's now 32 with three kids (my grandkids!) of his own and I drive the 70 miles or so to see them every few months. We are closer than we've ever been. Thanks so much for your review. take care...dan

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

Wow, thank you for clarifying that for me. I am glad it all turned out for the best in the end.

[...]

My father left in another way. He just left. The pain you show your reader here is deep seeded and intense. We do survive though don't we, Dan? You went on to love and write awesome poetry :)

[dan]

Actually this was written in the voice of my son, I was the s****y dad. Drinking and drugs, plus mental health disorders derailed my ability to be a presence in his life. His mom was a piece of s**t too. Thankfully he turned out great, he lives 70 miles away from me in Pittsburgh and I drive down to see him, his wife and kids (my grandchildren). We are close now like we never were before. thanks so much for the review. take care...dan

[MsJewel]

The images you have created are raw and vivid...the emotion I felt in your words tells me this was written from a very deep place Dan....and the ending gave me goosebumps. Powerful emotions and powerful writing. You never cease to amaze me. Your writing is outstanding.

Julie

[dan]

Julie, Coming from you, anything that is complimentary about my writing is indeed an honor. Right back at'cha! Thanks so much for the kind words. take care...dan

[Brittany Zedalis]

I really related to this poem, dan. My biological father was an alcoholic and a drug addict, and lets just say things between him and my mom did not go well. I didn't speak to him until I was 18, and I haven't spoken to him in 2 years because I just couldn't get over the things he did to my mom when I was a baby. Fathers suffering from addictions such as these so often forget or ignore how badly their actions will affect their children's lives and their own in the future. They just go for that addiction until it kills them.

All of that being said, I did enjoy this poem. You wrote about an extremely tough subject, and you wrote it very well.

[dan]

Would you feel differently if I tell you that I wrote this using my son's voice? That the no-show dad was, in fact, me? His mother and I were poisonous together, both drunks and drug users, it's amazing he grew up as well as he did. And he and I are closer than we've ever been, he lives with his wife and my grandkids about 70 miles from me and I go down to Pittsburgh and visit them as often as possible. So some s****y stories CAN have happy endings. (My guilt is always present, however....good for me!) thanks for the sharing review. take care...dan

[jacob erin-cilberto]

we lose them, often before we lose them...

the casualties of war are often more than the soldiers who go to it...the ones left behind get left behind twice...when the leave, and often when they come back. Because they never really come back.

[dan]

I'll always feel guilt over the way my son was brought up...a drunk cheating mom and an absent alcoholic dad. He was the REAL soldier through this and grew into a fine man, we're closer not than ever before. Thanks so much for your intuitive review. take care...dan