Chapter 1. The Reckoning

a mea culpa

Chapter I.  The Reckoning

 

             

(This is a confession. If, after I’m done, you wish to feel sorry for someone, feel for my wife Dee.)

              I am a recovering alcoholic. And that ‘recovering’ word is sketchy. I quit drinking originally back in May of 1995, less than a year after we got married. I quit because I knew that had I not I would have eventually lost her from my life. They say that you can’t quit for someone else, that it’s got to be for yourself.  But if I did lose her my life would be empty and I would surely die, drunk and alone. So I did it for ME. At first I managed (with one single-day slipup three weeks in) to stay sober for approximately 15 years. Then I sporadically would buy small quantities of booze and sneak it into the house, and I would drink it after Dee went to bed. I would feel bad about it then try again to stay sober. Then would relapse again.

              When we moved back to Indiana, PA from Camp Hill, PA everything was fine, and sober, for a few years. I started stopping in a bar once in a blue moon and drinking just enough to not be over the BAC level (I had already had two DUI’s…Driving under the influence and spent one month in jail for the second one) but get a buzz. Maybe I should mention at this point that I have bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder with features of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I have flirted with suicide for 45 years, making serious attempts two times unsuccessfully. Do you see where this is going?

              About a week ago I found out Dee was going to her daughter’s for two days, leaving Monday. (My wife goes to help with Dee’s grandson and spend some time getting emotionally fortified.) Being disgusted with my drinking I started planning for Monday to OD on my meds. So I went to the bar when she left and got hammered. I came home with the idea of killing myself still in my plans. But then I thought I don’t want Dee finding out when I was autopsied that I had been drunk. I knew then that I had to tell her. I called her and asked her to come and drive me to the hospital. I thought I needed my meds changed, plus I would come clean to her.

              As she came home I knew that I didn’t want to die, to give up like this on myself. So when she got home I confessed to her. Everything. Left no stone unturned. She drove back to her daughter’s pissed off and betrayed. She was supposed to stay yesterday also but came home. I looked at her and her eyes were dead. I realized then that I had killed a part of us by my actions. Today she’s been out of bed only for about 1 hour the whole day. I feel as if someone died. I’m not sad, I’m in mourning.

              I don’t know how this will work its way out, if at all. I marked this Chapter 1, but there will be no other chapters. Dee and I have to do this in private. Thank you all for suffering my arrogance in feeling that I had to reveal this in my writing. I just pray for strength, for myself and for my wife.

dan v.

Reviews

[Kelly Scheppers]

I'm not going to say that I know or understand what you're going through, because I don't. I can only assume its a living hell for your wife, as much as yourself.

I hope you continue to seek help. Writing can be a great catharsis, but it might better help the two of you to seek someone professional to talk to. I will pray for you both...please know that!

Take care, Dan! I'm here if you need a sounding board, ok?

[dan]

Thank you Kelly. My wife deserves better. I feel lost and aimless. This could end up with her never again able to trust me. I'm an a*****e. thank you...dan

[~]

Ohhh Dan, my prayers for strength are with you. Keep fighting!!

[dan]

Thank you for your kind words. dan

[Tks]

We are with you, Dan. And I am sure your wife is the best inspiration for you to kick this habit.

[dan]

Thank you so much. dan