My First Love & My Worst Enemy

a true story of my battles with the bottle

My First Love & My Worst Enemy

 

          It all began innocently enough, as most first loves do; we agreed to meet behind the bleachers at the Friday night football game at the High School Field. I was fraught with anticipation because, for me anyway, this was a first. What then happened behind those bleachers began a love relationship that would last until, like some love does, it became my worst enemy.

          My first love, you see, didn’t involve a first date with a young lady, or young man, for that matter, but with a very common first love; it was on that clear autumn night that I lost my virginity with a willing partner….that partner was alcohol. For a few years this relationship flourished without any discernible drawbacks. It made me more fun to be around, it made me wittier, more glib, the life of every party. Everything went amazingly well….for awhile.

          As with most loving relationships, things went well until we started depending on each other way too much; we went out with friends, but could not be apart….our love affair demanded that each other be included…..we couldn’t deal with life unless the other one was there for support.

          We made room in our relationship for others, and I somehow fell into a love triangle with myself, my new wife and, of course, the alcohol. I knew that this arrangement would never last, with alcohol being only one of the reasons that it eventually dissolved. Because of this, I had a myriad of other reasons to blame for the break-up….alcoholics are never at fault!

          I should now take the time to voice my opinion on my alcoholism. I do not subscribe to the school of thought that says that alcoholism is a disease, an illness. How is it considered a disease if one can quit drinking anytime one pleases? I also am bipolar, and I tried telling my doctor that, “Hey, I’ve decided to quit being bipolar,” but she just shook her head at my foolish proclamation.

          I eventually married again, but this time, as my alcoholism progressed toward the ‘breaking point’, I knew that a change was necessary. They say that one can’t quit for someone else, it must be for one’s self. I realized that if I didn’t quit my wife would have to leave me…and I couldn’t let that happen. So I quit……for myself.

          It’s now been 19 years sober, and all of my problems did not disappear. But now I had to face them without the impaired view of things blocking my sight. Now I can finally see straight…..urges sometimes manifest themselves and I have to fight them off. But now I know that this is a fight I can’t lose….if I fail, everything is gone. My life will be GONE! Please let your kids read this, because if you are already addicted, you wouldn’t have even read this far. Show our youth that answers are in their heads, not inside a bottle. Please??

 

dan (C) 2012

 

***NOTE*** Since this was written I experienced a brief relapse, lasting a few months, sporadically sneaking home ½ pint bottles of vodka to hide and drink, mixed with Dr. Pepper, after my wife had gone to bed. So the “19 years” sober that I mentioned in the beginning of this story is now reduced to approximately 1 year. I’m starting over, no excuses, no more lies.This, too, is often how these types of stories go. Shame and disgust hang over me as I try to regain trust in myself. My wife’s trust is another story; winning it back will take time, but it is now my #1 priority. dan.

Author's Note

Reviews

[Karen Arizona]

Dan,
Thank you for sharing 'My First Love & My Worst Enemy' with us readers. I am honestly touched by what you have written. I, too, am an alcoholic in recovery and relapse is a very scarey word to me. It happens and I don't think there's ever a 100% comfort zone in sobriety. Not for me, anyway, because I always have to be on guard. Your experiences, as you have written, are heartfelt and I sense your determination by what you write. I wish you all the success in the world, staying sober, and living a happy life. You and I, as well as every other alcoholic in recovery, are the battle of our lives. We can win, day by day. I'm not always good at finding the words, please forgive me, but I want you to know I'm gonna keep reading what you write. P.S. I agree with you about alcoholism and the whole "disease" concept. I heard, if you cut the word disease in half, it means "ill at ease." Yes, as an alcoholic, when I was drinking, I was "ill at ease." I don't think alcoholism is a disease, really. I think it's a choice we make and staying sober is, too. Your writing is creative and I really like the way you wrote your story. You showed what a triangle, love-hate relationship the bottle really is. I relate 100%. Keep writing, please, so that I can keep reading. Thank-you.

[dan]

Well like I said before, I wish you, your hubby, me and all other recovering alcoholics the strength to keep fighting, stay on course and beat the s**t outta that bottle. Amen. take care...dan

[Jerome F Knox III pseud..]

I understand this on a multi-tiered level. As a teen alcoholic I was dealing with my own rape and the flashbacks that my father had from Vietnam, he never came home from the war as we lived with the bombs and the booze every night. Recovery is a process that begins with the first step.

[sohadtolba]

hmmmmmmmm like it. I surprised that it was not a relationship with a man or woman, but alchol! Wow! that was brilliant! Personification and how you described it was really powerful. I loved it very much and I do recommend people to read to know the danger of things they think are not that affecting but they are.

I never drank but I saw other people destroying their life out of it.

I love it

[dan]

Thakn you so much. I'm done poetinc but alad you n--tk to heart