The Chicken Clone and the Ewoks of Doom

A Those Stupid Clones story set in the Star Wars universe

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away there lived three stupid clone troopers. They never helped much in the war against the Separatists. All they ever did was sit behind destroyed Y-wings and play rock, paper, scissors, so the Republic retired them and sent them to the second moon of Endor. And that is where we find our three stupid clones…

“I’m hot,” Zach complained as they walked through the forest. “And Bomber smells like fish.”

“Stop complaining, Zach,” Echo pushed away a branch, which smacked Zach in the face once he let go.

“Ouch!” Zach fell on his butt. “Echo hit me!”

“Cool!” Bomber said. “Can I hit you too?”

“No,” Zach glared at Bomber.

“Be quiet, both of you,” Echo stopped walking.

“Why?” Zach asked.

Echo glanced around the forest. “Because I say so.”

“You’re bossy,” Zach said. “And mean.”

“Shut up,” Echo put his hand over Zach’s mouth.

“Can I shut up too?” Bomber asked.

“Yes,” Echo said.

“Cool!” Bomber was silent for a moment. “Why are we shutting up?”

“Because I thought I heard something, so be quiet,” Echo looked around.

A few seconds passed.

Bomber started jumping from one foot to the other. “I need to pee!”

“Go find a bush,” Echo said. “And do it away from here.”

“Yes sir,” Bomber walked off.

Zach pulled Echo’s hand off of his mouth. “Are you sure you heard something?”

“Yes,” Echo pulled out his blaster. “Or at least I’m pretty sure.”

“I’m bored,” Zach sat down on a rock. “Why couldn’t they have given us a video game or something?”

“Because the Jedi don’t really care about us,” Echo said. “If they did care we wouldn’t be on this dumb rock.”

“Oh,” Zach said. “Do you wanna play rock, paper, scissors?”

“No!” Echo shouted.

Bomber ran over to his friends. “I found something! I found something!”

“What did you find?” Echo put away his blaster.

“A short chicken thing wearing a clone helmet!” Bomber said.

“A what?”

“A chicken dressed like a clone trooper! Look!” Bomber grabbed something out from behind a bush.

It was a kid wearing a clone trooper helmet, which wasn’t exactly weird. A lot of kids dress up like clones, but this kid had chicken wings instead of arms.

“Food!” Zach said.

“No, its just a kid,” Echo rolled his eyes. “Not lunch.”

“Cluck!” the clone chicken said.

“Can I keep it?” Bomber hugged the chicken clone.

“No,” Echo said.

Bomber’s helmet drooped. “I’d feed it, and play with it, and change it’s litter box, and stuff.”

“No!”

“What does a chicken clone eat?” Bomber scratched his helmet.

The little clone ran around Bomber’s feet. “Cluck!”

“We should roast it,” Zach looked through his pack for a firestarter. “I’m hungry.”

“Zach, shut up,” Echo ordered. “And Bomber, you’re not keeping it.”

“Why not?” Bomber asked.

“Because I say so,” Echo said. “Now lets keep walking. There has to be civilization somewhere on this moon.”

“Okay,” Bomber waved at the chicken clone and the three clones started walking again.

A half an hour later the clones stopped at a river to drink.

“I’m bored,” Zach complained. “And Bomber still smells like fish.”

“Stop complaining,” Echo said. “Bomber what are you doing?”

Bomber seemed to be talking to someone in a bush.

“Uh, nothing,” Bomber turned around with his hands behind his back.

“Cluck!” the chicken clone came out from behind the bush, munching on a chocolate bar.

“I told you that you couldn’t keep it,” Echo said.

“It followed me,” Bomber said. “He likes me.”

“Leave the kid behind,” Echo sighed.

“Manna manna!” something shouted.

“Teddy bear!” Bomber yelled.

A small group of Ewoks burst out from behind bushes and trees, shouting, “Manna manna!”

“Uh, hello,” Echo took a step back. “We are clones. I am Echo.”

“Manna!” the Ewoks shouted.

“What does that mean?” Zach asked.

“I don’t know,” Echo said. “I failed at languages during training.”

“Cluck!” the chicken clone hid behind Bomber.

The Ewoks approached the clones, their spears ready.

One of the Ewoks poked Zach.

“Hey, ow!” Zach whacked the Ewok on the head with his rifle.

The Ewok retreated behind the bushes.

“Ehda!” the other Ewoks circled the clones, pointing their weapons in a threatening manner at the clones.

“They don’t like us,” Bomber tilted his head.

“Well, duh,” Echo drew his weapon.

Echo stumbled into the river at the sudden roar of a spaceship engine, as the Ewoks ran out of sight.

A Republic Gunship landed in front of the clones.

The doors opened and Obi-Wan Kenobi came out.

“Come on, clones,” the Jedi said. “Your help is needed.”

“Really?” Echo said, not believing him.

“Really,” Obi-Wan Kenobi said.

“Cool,” Bomber said. “Can I keep my chicken clone?”

Obi-Wan Kenobi raised an eyebrow. “Your what?”

“Cluck,” the chicken clone peeked out from behind Bomber.

“Oh, uh sure,” Obi-Wan Kenobi said.

The clones and the chicken clone got onto the ship and the spacecraft flew away from the Moon of Endor.

The clones were reinstated into the Republic Army and Bomber was allowed to keep the chicken clone as a mascot so all of the clone troopers lived happily ever after … until they died.

Author's Note

The world in which the story is set is not my own. Obi-Wan Kenobi is not my own character.
Echo, Zach, Bomber, and the chicken clone are all my own characters.