Warning: If You Read Any Further You will Spontaneously Combust

A journal on the research of alien cows

IF YOU ARE STILL READING THIS AND HAVE NOT COMBUSTED YET

YOU MUST HAVE SUPER POWERS...

YOU ARE ALSO EXTREMELY RUDE!

IT IS IMPOLITE TO READ SOMEONE ELSE’S JOURNAL WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION

I WILL HAVE YOU ARRESTED FOR THIS.

I WILL SEND THE FANTASTIC FOUR TO ARREST YOU,
THEY WILL SHOW NO MERCY.

STOP READING IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE!!!!

2/25/2012

 Hello journal and rude person who is reading this. Today it is very cold. Wisconsin is a very cold state. If it wasn’t for my research I’d move to somewhere warmer, like Florida, but my research requires me to be in Wisconsin so I will stay here until I have finished my research. I hope it does not take long.

 I enjoy being an aliens-in-comic-books-ologist. Yes that is a real job. I get paid five dollars a week for this. Some people wondered what an aliens-in-comic-books-ologist is. I read comics about aliens, do research on the aliens, and then try to find the aliens and interview them. Its a fun job and you get to travel a lot.

 My current job is to find the Skrulls that the Fantastic Four sent to live as cows in Wisconsin. I’ve already read all the comic books about the four Skrulls and I’ve done quite a bit of research about them. Most of the information seems to be classified though. I’m gonna have to get security clearance in order to find more about them.

 Now I have to go find them. I will go to every black and white cow in Wisconsin and ask the cows if they are aliens. Hopefully I’ll find a cow that can respond quickly so I can leave this freezing state.

 This actually will not take as long as most people think it should because I already know several things about the cows: they’re black and white, they’ll be old cows, and they are in a field somewhere in Wisconsin. This information narrows down my search from about a few billion cows to a few million cows. I will now go start my search.

 Good bye rude person who refuses to listen to my warnings. I have already sent the Fantastic Four after you.

312012

 It has been five days since my last entry. I have talked to about a hundred and fifty cows. None of them could speak English. But the farmers who owned the cows could speak English and they were not happy that I had trespassed on their property. I will have to ask the farmers if I can talk to their cows next time. I must go talk to more cows.

 Rude person, if you are still reading this you must be Spider-Man or Wolverine to have avoided the Fantastic Four for this long. If you are Spider-Man or Wolverine I would really like to meet you. Maybe you could come help me talk to cows. I should get going. Good bye, Wolverine.

322012

 A cow spoke to me today! He told me to move. But he’s not one of the four Skrulls. I asked him and he just told me to move again. He’s almost as rude as you.

 You know, I had always thought that Wolverine was cool and all but I guess I was wrong because you’re rude and mean. You’re still reading my journal and you still haven’t come to help me find the Skrulls. If you decide to be nice and super cool meet me at Starbucks tomorrow for breakfast. Then we can drink coffee and go talk to cows. Good bye, Wolverine. I hope to see you tomorrow.

332012

 You never showed up for breakfast! You are a complete jerk! I really wanted to meet you. But I guess you don’t want to meet me. Hey, maybe you couldn’t show up because you were fighting Magneto! If that’s the reason please try to come to Starbucks tomorrow. And then you can use your powers to help me find the aliens. Good bye, Wolverine.

3102012

 A week has passed since my last entry. I still haven’t found the Skrulls and you still haven’t tried to meet me at Starbucks. You must be really busy fighting Magneto. But I don’t care. I know you’ll try to meet me as soon as you’re free.

 Now anyways, I have come no closer to finding the Skrulls. They have hidden themselves really well. I will have to search harder! I should go start searching again right now! Good bye Wolverine! I have cows to find!

4102012

 Life is boring. I’ve talked to thousands of cows and the few who could talk only told me to move.

 Cows are rude and so are you. I mean, come on Wolverine, its been a month and you still haven’t come to have coffee with me. I’m starting to think you may not be Wolverine. If you were you would’ve come to have coffee with me already.

 Maybe you’re an evil villain. Maybe you are Magneto or Loki. I bet you’re Loki! Magneto doesn’t seem like the type of bad guy who would read someone’s journal but Loki would.

 Loki, you are mean! You should not read peoples journals! You should also not invade the Earth with the help of alien soldiers. You caused a lot of damage to New York. I gotta go. My cousin is visiting me and I think he just arrived. Bye!

4122012

 My cousin does not believe in aliens! He also doesn’t think that there are Skrulls disguised as cows in Wisconsin! I can’t believe it! How could anyone think that aliens don’t exist? My pizza is here, bye.

652012

 About two months have passed since my last entry and I still have yet to find the Skrulls. I’ve talked to cow after cow and none have even given me a hint where they could be. But at least summer is here and all that stupid snow has melted. I’m hoping that I find the aliens soon. I want to start a new project. Maybe I’ll get transferred somewhere else to do a new project! That’d be great! I should get back to work. Bye Loki.

2252013

 Exactly a year has passed since I started my dumb project and I have not found the Skrulls. Because I am extremely bored of talking to stinky cows I have quit this project and have requested a new assignment.

 I will no longer be writing in this journal so goodbye for good, Loki.

LOKI, YOU HAVE EVADED CAPTURE OF THE FANTASTIC FOUR FOR A WHOLE YEAR

THAT’S PRETTY IMPRESSIVE!!!

BUT I STILL THINK YOU ARE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY RUDE