chapter 2

"Vivian, give me another hit." I look at her, smile and give her the bubbler. I glance around at all of the lights, and I love it. The music blares and all of the people are high and drunk and dirty dancing. These are my people. This is the world I choose to live in. Michael leans in and breathes on my neck. I feel like nothing could bring me down now. The room is full of smoke and I inhale the sweet scent over and over again and take sips of my fruity drink. My body tingles and my skin crawls.

 

In the car going home I feel sick. My parents don't know what kind of party i was at. I hope they can't smell anything on me. I sprayed so much perfume that they shouldn't. We got home and I immediately crawled into bed. I closed my eyes and pretended that nothing was wrong, but I couldn't. I fucked up tonight and I know it, I just refuse to believe it. I get out of bed and run to my bathroom where I puke, over and over. And, it seems, weird enough, that I'm puking up the smoke too. It starts getting bad, and I'm praying for it to stop, but my body keeps throwing the unwanted things out. It hurts, oh God does it hurt. My throat is burning from the alchohal coming back up, and my lungs feel like they are going to burst. I'm gasping for breath but that don't get me far...My body finally relaxes and I try to stand. My head goes dizzy and I fall. I have absolutely no balance at all. Help me God. If you're there, I need your help. I'm dying. I pray that I will wake up tomorrow. God please, why are you doing this to me? I lay back and close my eyes.

 

When I awake, mom is standing next to my hospital bed. She says, "Sweetie why would you?" I just lay there and pretend I can't talk. I keep my eyes closed and tried remembering exactly what happened to me. I just glance up at her with tear stained cheeks and scared eyes. I can't tell whether she's more angry or worried. I feel my pulse rising and my heart monitor starts beeping. I stare at it in panic. What does it mean?! Suddenly doctors rush in and stick needles into me and it jolts me awake. My mom is crying, the doctors are screaming and I'm lost. My brain reels and tries to function. Nothing happens. I lay there and go into a deep, hard, long sleep to the sound of my mothers' sobs...

I sit up, sweaty and shaky. It's now been about a month that I have been dreaming about it. My experience, the coma.The last time. When I finally decided enough was enough. I can't seem to get over the fact that I'm done. Done with feeling high and worry-free and partying with alcohol. Well, at least until I can control myself...

I look around my dark room. It feels overwhelmingly hot. I hop out of bed to remove my pj's and put on a cool, silk nightgown. I climb back into bed. I force myself to close my eyes, and take a deep breath.

I'm so scared to sleep, to relive it again. God, why.