I Died For You

It was fierce and cold

And tears filled up my eyes ,

You said there’s no time

And you told me not to cry.

 

Your eyes saw their last,

Your lungs took one last. breath

Your hand couldn’t be raised anymore,

You were captured by the serpent of death.

 

I see you open your eyes now

And fresh air now you breathe,

But as you lift yourself up,

You did not see me.

 

Don’t go around searching,

For me anymore.

For I am in the place,

Where you were to be trapped forevermore

 

I ran to God and asked him,

To take me instead of you.

And now when its too late you understand

What did I say? = I can even die for you

 

 

Reviews

[Hitcher]

I liked your take on love friend, to be willing to die so that our other/lover, soul-mate can live...Now that is love. I enjoyed the imagery conjured up in the minds eye... Nice!

[Aehr]

thanks!

[Harley (arbiter)]

I would give you a standing ovation right now! I loved it! Reminds me of some songs and someone I would die for. Awesome poem

[Aehr]

thanks Harley, that really means a lot to me! :)

[Laura Maidah]

You have a few comma splices. If you opt for punctuation, then make sure you do it properly. You have very concise wording and precise diction. I love the reference to dogmatic principles. Death is very serpentine. "You were captured by the serpent of death" is the line I am referring to. It really works for me. I like the meter. It's got a good rhythm to it. I like the juxtaposition of fresh breath and life with God and death versus the snake of death. Nice work!

[Sleeping Maiden]

Awwww...this actually reminds me of a death that I experienced recently 2 months ago. The pain of death is truely unbearable! Especially if it's someone you loved and was very close to you. I don't even understand death sometimes.. it's hard to deal. But the pain will linger and i think its hard for those memories to pass.. im actually not done grieving myself.. but i don't even grieve properly. But death is a mystery.. You did a magnificient job with this! Thank you.

[......]

wonderful write here, so full of feelings

[MOON]

Lovely write , poignant

[closed..acct]

So very moving, i really liked the depth quite amazing!

[Victoria Elizabeth]

Great poem,loved it!

[Southern Cross]

So moving.. a beautiful read. Thank you for sharing

[AK]

Very nice! I really liked it.