Rusty Old Cottage

Once, there was a small and old cottage near a girl’s cottage whose name was Katie Wilson. The road to her school was pass the lane in which that old cottage was. Everyday, she used to look at that cottage carefully as if she was keen to know more about it. It was a very useless, old , dusty and very rusty. It looked like it wasn’t in use since, you know, a century or so. One fine, sunny day, Katie went to the watchman sitting outside the cottage. He was Katie’s mom’s friend who helped in delivering the groceries. So, Katie know him. She used to call him Uncle Pimp. Although his real name was John Pimperkin. 

So, Katie went to him and said “Hey Uncle Pimp! Good Morning. I was just wondering, who lives here? I mean, I need to know very importantly about this place. It looks so useless.” “No one lives here.” Replied Uncle Pimp. “Its Mrs. Hilton’s old property which has been like this since eight years. There is a story behind this cottage. That’s all I know. I can give you Mrs. Hilton’s address if you want.” Katie nodded her head and took out an ink pen and a notebook from her bag. “Write.” Said Uncle Pimp. “It’s near the St. Thomas Church. Cottage no. 4 in Woodland lane. Katie smiled, thanked Uncle Pimp and took out a brown paper lunch bag. She gave it to Uncle Pimp and said “Mom sent you these chocolate doughnuts saying thank you for helping with the groceries yesterday.” Uncle Pimp flashed a ‘you’re welcome’ smile and Katie went on to school when she heard her mother shout, calling her. When Katie was coming back from school, she stopped in front of the cottage again. She took out the notebook in which she had wrote Mrs. Hilton’s address and she tore the page in which it was scribbled down. 

She stood there for about, ten minutes waiting for her friends to whom she had told everything. Then she saw two dark shadows approaching from between the trees, running. Suddenly her face lightened up and she screamed “When I leave both of you, this is always what happens. You guys are just dumb heads. Always late.” “Hey. Don’t scream Miss. Tonsils.” Laughed Katie’s best friend, Sally Cartor. “Its Ken’s fault! Mr. I-like-Ice-cream was after me to get an Ice Cream since I was the one who had a little money and he said that he’ll give me back tomorrow. And then I took an orange ice bar and took a few slurps too and….” Continued Sally but Ken didn’t let him finish. “Hey! Liar, liar pants on fire! You were the one who said that you wanted an ice bar first!” And then both of them started quarrelling like cats and dogs. “Tell me your story later!” Katie cut in. “Right now, we need to know the story of the rusty old cottage. Come on!” And the three naughty kids ran off. Soon, the three kids reached Mrs. Hilton’s home. It was a neat little, short building with a nicely done, beautiful garden in front of the cottage. 

They realized that Mrs. Hilton was Ken’s next door neighbor who knew Ken and Sally, both, very well. When Katie asked them why they hadn’t told them, they said that the address was only and only with Katie so they did not know which Mrs. Hilton were they talking about. Plus, they had no idea that this cottage was Mrs. Hilton’s property. Anyway, they ringed the doorbell. Mrs. Hilton came to the door. She was old, fat, sweet lady. Although she was very old, there was a glow on her face and a smile flashing. She came to the door wearing an apron with flour all over it. “Hello children. Ken, Sally, its been so long. We’ve not met. She said.  Sally was also greeting her. But then she started sniffing. “Mrs. Hilton? I think something’s burning. Was there anything in the oven?” “Oh! My cookies! Sit on the sofa children. I’m coming!” Mrs. Hilton ran to the kitchen and took the cookies out of the oven. She removed her apron, put it in her clothes basket and then came. 

“Sally, can I know who this little young lady is?” Mrs. Hilton asked. “I’m Katie Wilson, Mrs. Hilton. I live in Golden Lane.” Replied Katie. “We have come for some work, Mrs. Hilton.” “What” she asked. “All three of us are the ones who give the ‘My City’ articles every week in the newspaper, ‘St. Adness Weekly’. And we were thinking of writing on your cottage in Golden lane. Can you tell us about it?” replied Katie. “Well.” Said Mrs. Hilton. “The cottage in golden lane, means a lot to me. Me, my husband, my son, his wife and their kids used to live there. But one day, all of us were in a car, returning from a picnic. And we had a car accident. Everyone was fine but my husband passed away.” Everyone gasped. “My son and his family shifted to New York. And I am now alone here.” She continued. There was silence for a moment. Then, the children thanked Mrs. Hilton and went away. From that day on, the kids started visiting Mrs. Hilton everyday. All four of them became best friends. One day, when the kids came to visit Mrs. Hilton, there was a lock on the door and there was a note sticking out of the mat. It said �"

Dear kids,

I am shifting to New York with the rest of the family. I have sold my cottage in Golden Lane to Mr. Wilson, Katie’s dad. I told him to let you keep it. Thanks for giving this old lady good company.

         Yours Truly,

                           Mrs. Hilton

The children went back home sad and disappointed. Years later, Mrs. Hilton came back for a vacation. When she was returning, she saw that her old cottage had been completely renovated. When she went inside, she was she was shocked to see a news paper editorial. There she met all the three kids. They closed her eyes and took Mrs. Hilton outside. Tears came out of Mrs. Hilton’s eyes when she saw the huge board outside saying “The Hilton Post Editorial”.

Reviews

[Wendy Seames Garner]

I think you have a good story in mind here, Rhea, but you have a lot of editing to do. That is what writing is all about, getting a story idea, writing and then...edit, edit, edit. I agree with Akanksha, you should separate dialogue to make reading it easier on your reader. I have listed ten things for you to look at - I stop at ten, so go on through your story and finish the editing.

1. "Once, there was a small and old cottage near a girl’s cottage whose name was Katie Wilson." It almost sounds like the cottage is named Katie Wilson. You also used cottage twice in the same sentence. Try this: Katie Wilson once lived near a small old cottage.
2. "The road to her school was pass the lane in which that old cottage was." Try this: She had to pass the cottage everyday on her way to school. Otherwise change the pass in you sentence to past.
3. "Everyday, she used to look at that cottage carefully as if she was keen to know more about it." As if she was keen? She didn't really want to more about it? Try this: She studied the cottage every day as she walked past.
4. "It looked like it wasn’t in use since, you know, a century or so." I would think there wouldn't be much left of it after 100 years. How about: It looked like it hadn't been used in years.
5. "One fine, sunny day, Katie went to the watchman sitting outside the cottage." The unused cottage has a watchman? Or is he just the stopping to sit here for a moment while out delivering groceries?
6. "So, Katie know him." So, Katie (knew) him.
7. "She used to call him Uncle Pimp. Although his real name was John Pimperkin." She had always called him Uncle Pimp, though his real name was John Pimperkin.
8. "So, Katie went to him and said “Hey Uncle Pimp! Good Morning. I was just wondering, who lives here? I mean, I need to know very importantly about this place. It looks so useless.” You've already said it didn't look like anyone had lived there for a century. Why not just ask: Hey, Uncle Pimp, good morning! Do you know who owns this cottage? It looks so old and useless.
9. "No one lives here.” Replied Uncle Pimp. “Its Mrs. Hilton’s old property which has been like this since eight years." Try: Mrs. Hilton owns this property, but no on has lived here in eight years.
10. "There is a story behind this cottage. That’s all I know." A story? He doesn't say what kind of story?

[Aehr]

thanks a tonne, Miss Garner I'll edit my story soon, whenever I have the time...

[Aehr]

its pass her lane, near her place.;.. actually i wrote it long ago and my mom asked me to add this as well because it is one of her favourite stories by me... I couldn't really edit it well but, i'll take care of it next time, thanks for your opinion akansha.

[AK]

Very nice story! Hope I'm not rude, but it's easier to read conversations if each monologue is on a separate line, especially as we are reading it online. Also, I think there is a typo in the first stanza, is it 'pass the lane' or....? Great write!