My Love

With my head in my hands I’m sitting on the floor

And then I realise that I’m staring at the door

The golden light of the sun warming up my face

My thoughts and sanity floating up into space

 

A pile of homework on the desk by the bed

But I’m just thinking about the words he said

I should be outside, but I’m humming a song

Oh how I wish he was here to sing along!

 

I just simply wish for him to be here

To whisper ‘I love you’ repeatedly in my ear

To talk about his dreams, and that’s on its way

To talk about how it all deepens with each day

 

And then with a jerk I raise up my head

And it’s like the soul has come back to the dead

The door clicks open, and I get up to see

My one and only love right in front of me

 

And then my heart’s more fragile than a cloud

The air then turns cold, as if wrapped by a shroud

The tears blur my vision, as they threaten to fall

And then I realise that he wasn’t here at all

 

Because he’s buried in the graveyard down the lane

And he died in the war, alone, and in pain

I see only his ghost, a figure made of dust

A sepia brown body, and a face as red as rust

Author's Note

This is my first write after a major block, so excuse me if it sucks :D

Reviews

[AleyshaRosa]

I just... It's beautifully sad. I love how your verses lead into the next, making it story like and continuous.
Seeing his ghost was just mesmerizing. Awesome write


Koodoos

[Criss ;)]

Don't worry, it didn't suck...:)
i loved this stanza..I just simply wish for him to be here
To whisper ‘I love you’ repeatedly in my ear
To talk about his dreams, and that’s on its way
To talk about how it all deepens with each day...
lovely write and a true write...you seem quite talented :)

[Aehr]

thank you :)

[Rhianne Ney]

I do think that it moves smoothly just how the other review said it. It's nice that you were able to write something despite of the writer's block problem. I do have it too.. haha'
But we shall survive

[Shubham's View]

You've incorporated a nice smooth flow to your poem. Good work.

[Reeti]

There is sweetness and dreaminess in the tone of the narrator's voice in the beginning of the verse. This later turns into a plaintive macabre. I am taken aback by the twist in the story as i thought there would be positive sentiments until the end. So, it is heart-breaking to find the lost lover as 'a figure made of dust A sepia brown body, and a face as red as rust'. The imagery in this line has been boldly elicited. It sends quite a chill down my spine.

[Aehr]

thank you for your review, Reeti. It really means a lot to me :)

[Reeti]

you're welcome! =D

[Rhea752]

i felt like crying. I am very connected to the pain of wars, i am very cynical, so even though i wish there could never be war and everyone would just stop fighting that will only happen if nobody has opinions. So the big issue right now is will you give up your rights for safety. I say no, because that will only lead to will you become a mindless drone with no opinions for the sake of having no wars. The world is a harsh place and some people, including me, would give up their lives for rights, opinions, and freedom. I know this was only meant to be a poem about lost love. sorry i focused too much on the war. Thank very much for such a poignant, beautiful, meaningful poem.

[khalid]

it didnt seem to be written after block. the flow is really sweet and the images are very nice although the poem is really sad..

[Priya]

Noo, it doesn't suck at all :) I liked the M. Night Shyamalane-esque twist at the end of it. It gave the poem more pathos and elevated it from what appeared to be just another "break up poem". Please keep writing :)

[TL Boehm]

It doesn't suck. I have gone through dry spells. It happens and usually you "feel" awkward with that first poem but it usually is better than you think it is. this is a sad piece. Hard hitting. I expected a break up - not a death.

[Thea]

Aw...It doesn't suck! Of course not...I actually thought that this poem is filled with happiness but right after reading the ending, I sensed a huge heartbreak. There was so much love in this piece. You've described everything very well. Really, really, good job! I'm impressed.100 for yah! ;)

[Aehr]

thank you so much! :)