A Second Chance

Its short, so it won't take much time to review :)

Casey stared at the hastily scribbled and ink blotted pages of her now-old diary with gnawed edges. It had been quite a long time since she had flipped a page, or even taken it out from her trunk, for that reason. She had kept it away for so long that she almost forgot that it existed. Part of her was in awe, as she read the varied anecdotes of her childhood which she had preserved and engraved forever in her diary. She then remembered that none of her friends ever wrote a diary when she used to write. They were intimidated by the idea of big fat books themselves. Writing a daily journal was something they never even dreamed about. 

But of course, she and her friends were only ten back then. 

An automatic smile played on her lips as she read the little secrets she had written down, and asked her diary not to tell them to anyone, as if she knew exactly what was happening with her life back then. She had written down about her crush, a guy called Jason, and about how she and her best friend Amanda had bunked one of their History classes, just to sit on the school grounds and talk. 

Casey missed those days. She honestly did. But after what had happened to her last month, she couldn't even think of reliving them.

Her so called ex-bestie Amanda had spread rumours about her online, and practically made her life a social disaster after a tremendously huge fight between both of them. Plus, her family was going through financial problems. Her Grandma, whom she loved more than anyone else in the family, had suffered from a paralytic attack, and her soul was up with him. And her Dad had lost her job, and he had to start right from the bottom all over again. Though that had nothing to do with Casey, it was like a catalyst, as if pressurizing her even more to think. 

And it was always trouble when Casey began to think. 

At that point of time, when things were going wrong, Casey didn't understand what was going on. It was like her whole life had crumbled down like an old wall, finally loosing it all. Her head spun round whenever she thought of all that was happening to her and her beloved family, and how they were trying to get through by sticking together. 

"Case?" Casey's mother called. "Come on dear, we need to leave" Casey sighed, and got up. She slipped her diary into the bag beside her, and walked out after slinging it over her shoulder. She wiped a stray tear escaping her eye, and walked to her mother after glancing back one last time at her bedroom. 

She knew she would miss it.

She was leaving her home, and their family was shifting to North Carolina from Massachusetts. Her father's friend had decided to rent him a home there, and they had decided to give themselves a second chance and start all over again. Maybe that was what her Grandma wanted, and maybe that was what Casey wanted as well. Starting off fresh was something that scared her till the the day before her Grandma died, because she thought she loved her home, her life and everything around her, and she never wanted it to change.

But she knew she deserved a second chance. And so did her family. 

Author's Note

So....???

Reviews

[Storyworker]

First, I’ll go down the story chronologically. Take my review as you will. I really do like your story. :)

The first sentence is an example of an issue that reoccurs. “Casey stared at the hastily scribbled and ink blotted pages of her now-old diary with gnawed edges.” I find that there seem to be too many adjectives. Adjectives are good, but when used too much in a single sentence, they seem repetitive. I would try cutting off “with gnawed edges” or better yet, replacing it with a metaphor for what the diary looked like. Grammatically, this is also rather confusing to the reader. Is Casey staring at the diary that has gnawed edges, or is she staring at it with gnawed edges? Obviously the second sample doesn’t make sense, but it is implied that the author thinks it does. Try rearranging the sentence a bit to make it flow better and be more understandable.

I do like the word choice. “She had FLIPPED a page”. It sounds much better than “turned the page” and gets the reader’s attention. You do this well throughout the story.

The part about how her friends had never kept a diary seems unnecessary and random. She’s talking about how her memories have been engraved in her diary, and then suddenly she’s talking about her friends. I would suggest moving this section to another part of the story so that it plays a larger part. It’s a good part for character development, but could be placed elsewhere.

“An automatic smile”. I still love you use of word choice. Then the “little secrets”…these are great descriptions.

The fourth paragraph is tricky. There’s just too much to learn here, and the entire paragraph seems like a short synopsis of a completely different story. Though this may be the point that there are little stories within the bigger one, I would suggest giving more detail about what happened. HOW did her friend make her life a social disaster? WHAT was their fight about? Ask yourself these questions, and maybe even alter the story to fit full versions of these stories in. Otherwise, it’s too much for the reader to learn in one paragraph.

“And it was always trouble when Casey began to think.” Since this is a short story, there should be an explanation for this. Why was it trouble when she began to think? Give an example, or if it’s sarcastic, make it so.

The seventh paragraph seems like a try at pulling heartstrings. Unless the story is longer and more fleshed out, it sadly doesn’t do this well. We need to connect with Casey. We need to really learn her full story. As of now, there is a lot of information left out in the story. We need more to fill the holes.

“She knew she would miss it” is an obvious attention getter. It’s TOO obvious. I would suggest merging this into the previous paragraph unless you want to make it part of your style. You have been creating drama with single sentences between paragraphs. Try to make this one more powerful. The others, like “But of course, she and her friends were only ten back then.” were great. Make this one like those.

Once again, in the second to last paragraph, there is a lot of information missing. Who is the father’s friend? Why did he buy the house?

I think the story demands you to ask the question, “WHY?”. I would try going through the story and asking “Why?” after every sentence. Keep this up until you have all the information you need and then trim the story as you see fit. It’s a good idea when you want to really accent the characters, plot, and backstory. Write all of this out, and then use it to compliment the story. Pick out the best parts and use them. Sometimes you need to write page after page before you come to that one idea or sentence that you were looking for.

You have a very good idea here. The idea of going through somebody’s past using their own personal diary is always interesting, but you’ve only given us a teaser trailer to the best movie of the Summer. Give us more! We want more!

[Aehr]

Thank you for taking the time to read my story :)
I agree with you, completely. Hehe, if it weren't for you this story would've been left spice less and boring. I'll try and edit it ASAP :)
Thanks again

[TL Boehm]

This is a great start to what could be a longer story - I found myself intrigued by the diary. I started considering who I was when I was ten. I do remember it and have scribbled notes but most kids wouldn't have something like that so - that in itself makes fodder for continuation of this. I would like to see where it goes.

[Rhianne Ney]

Great short story and you're right here with the theme, everyone deserves a placid second chance~
Anyways, the Storyworker said everything that will help so I won't add to it anymore (:

[Hester Vane]

So... I think this is great! The emotion is raw and genuine. I really like how you have constructed the piece and the dialogue and description are solid! This is great. Well done.

[Layla J Omorose]

Touching story. There was an error that i caught towards the beginning. You wrote that "her dad lost her job" just change the her to his. Secondly i feel as if you used the word and too many times in this story. It became a little distracting.

[M.King]

Well worded and descriptive, looks like a good write for drama keep it up.