Mary Remembered

a story of a family living a lie.

This is the story 

Of a girl who was lost 

In a world full of lies 

When they all payed the cost 

She went to her church 

And prayed to her God 

And always avoided 

The long wooden rod 

But one day befell her 

When tragedy struck 

And her family ran out of 

Every ounce of luck 

Her mother had caught 

The daunting new illness 

That made her cough and choke 

unlike any other sickness 

She gasped and she wheezed 

And soon doubled over 

She died without breath 

For there was no cure 

Her family was shocked  

By her sudden demise 

The girl on the couch, 

She refused to rise 

She wanted to grieve 

She wanted to cry 

But her family just wanted 

To live a big lie 

The sister and father 

Slowly rose off the ground 

Calm and collected  

They uttered this sound 

"It's time for church Mary 

Go put on your dress, 

It starts in five minutes 

Go put on your best" 

Now Mary was shocked 

At the silent agreement 

To completely forget that 

The sickness was sent 

But slowly she rose 

And joined with her family 

Knowing the lie 

That they refused to see 

Her family forgot 

That her mother had died 

"It just was too much" 

The others once sighed 

But Mary remembered 

The whole entire time 

Down till she died 

On the last midnight chime

Reviews

[Felecia]

I like this poem over all, but it could you some revising and editing. The rhyming scheme you used didn't seem to fit, but over all the story in this poem is great. Again it could be inproved, but over all it's nice.

[Celestial Witch Child]

I have mixed feelings about this poem. I think the story you have is powerful- it hits the nail on the head. However, I think the writing itself is in need of revision. If you changed the type of poetry used, it could make drastic improvements in how this is perceived. I think my main problem with this is that the rhyme scheme you went with doesn't really allow for the right kinds of words needed for this piece. It feels to me that you chose a stricter outline for rhyming and struggled to find the right descriptors that would really suit the poem, and it leaves the phrasings of certain things in the piece seeming slightly awkward and impersonal. I believe that if you changed some things around- perhaps get rid of any rhyme scheme completely- you would have an unbelievably dynamic piece of writing here.

[Angelic_Dreamer]

Its a sad poem. It almost made me cry thinking of my family. If I were Mary's family I'd never forget my mother, but I like the poem.:)

[Rhea752]

thank you :)

[Angelic_Dreamer]

Ur Welcome:)

[Aehr]

dark.. and spooky.. loved it!!

[MOON]

Deep dark almost unforgiving. Good write.

[ewest1220]

Very hopeless, very bleak, but very beautiful! Great job!

[Rhea752]

Thank you!! Bleakness is my specialty :P

[Tai Ryens]

The (or at least how I see it) hopelessness of the poem shines brightly in this poem. I love it.

[Rhea752]

thank you :)

[Sarah W. French]

This poem is wonderful. And it still has me asking questions. It is deep but simple at the same time. I love it!

[Rhea752]

glad you're back Sarah :)

[Sarah W. French]

I'm glad to. it feels so good to be among my friends again.

[F.P. Chat]

I liked the story behind it and I love specific phrases you use, like
The long wooden rod
or
On the last midnight chime
Well done...

[Jordan A. Wilson]

the story-like form of this is captivating