The Perversity of the Universe

My first humor column.

 

The Perversity of the Universe

By Roy G. Nestle

 

“The perversity of the universe tends toward the extreme.” This is a paraphrasing of a Larry (Ringworld) Nivenz quote.  I find it quite apropos in my case.

You see, I am a writer. I put little, squiggly lines on paper that others look at, decipher, and process for content. Sometimes those squiggly lines communicate a very important point to my valuable readers, but�"more often than not�"they usually send the message: “This guy may need therapy or, at least, heavy medication.”

This being a very good possibility, I tell you that the perversity of the universe has driven me here.

I originally trained to be a highly skilled hamburger construction specialist while I did my best to break into music and film. Being from a small town where the only other person interested in my dreams was my best friend and co-conspirator, Steve, I had little to no chance of getting anywhere with either the music or film. (Although I did break into song quite a bit while washing dishes in the kitchen of my place of business.) Of course, there were rarely any talent agents hiding in the cupboards waiting to discover me. There was that one time, though…

Through all of my MANY different lines of work (moderately speedy food cook, butcher shop cleaner, car salesman (used and new), real estate salesman, insurance salesman, language program salesman, Amway distributor (twice!), graphic artist, computer repair specialist, network management, camp assistant, actor… (Did I mention my sales experience?) I was doing work that I didn’t really like and I was doing it because I thought I had to.

So, one day, while in the study reading the collective works of Shakespeare (okay, so it was in the loo reading Dave Barry), I realized something; someone had forgotten to get a new roll of toilet paper. No, wait! What I really thought was; “I can do this job!”

I have been told that humor columns are not all fun and games, and that it actually takes a little more work than say, building the pyramids of Egypt.

Well, this is a ruse perpetrated by humor columnists to keep people out of the Highly Lucrative field of writing humor columns. It is, in all reality, MUCH more work than building the pyramids, but you don’t get the whole “whip on the hinny” thing to keep you motivated. (My motivation is a wife that has this thing for her habitual behavior: habitually eating three meals a day, habitually putting gas in the car, habitually paying rent for our cozy little apartment.) Anyone who has ever been married to a person with “needs” knows that whips don’t hold a candle to what you can get hit with if you aren’t performing as well as expected by your Honey (the last thing I recall was vaguely the size of a Volkswagen Minibus. In fact it may HAVE been a Volkswagen Minibus. It’s a vague recollection that came to me during my recuperation in Hospital.

So, with these thoughts in mind (and a good stiff Caribbean lager going to my head), I make my way upon these rocky inroads through the heavily traveled world of�"Ta-da!�"humor columnry. (Another absolutely cool thing about humor writing is that you get to make up words that may, or may not mean something, and nobody complains.)

I also have a bit of a soft spot for humor. The heretofore and previously mentioned Dave Barry’s writings got me through some pretty rough times while in the Philippines (never have ice cubes in your soda! It’s not safe! The only up side to the garnish of amoebas with your meal is the rapid weight loss. It’s just too bad it doesn’t end when you have lost all the weight you feel you actually wanted to lose. I was so sick I think I actually felt some of my major organs dissolving).

With Mr. Barry’s example before me and the bright, inviting horizons of possibilities ahead of me, I boldly step into this thing we call the future! I just hope I don’t forget to take my medications.

Author's Note

Be honest! I need to make sure I have a sense of humor that people will appreciate. Otherwise I need to move on to something else. Thanks

Reviews

[Legion]

Applause! Much of it. You have a career ahead of you. And if not, you still have that degree in hamburger construction. :)