Tlumisog: Self-Proclaimed King of Reality

Chapter 1

Welcome. ‘Tis I, the mighty Tlumisog: King of Reality. Since I have been thinking a lot about myself lately, and all my noble feats of epic heroism, I’ve decided to write my humble autobiography of awe.

The first fact of life that I will share is that I am a tiger. What does being a tiger mean? Well, I… I’m not sure, but since I am a tiger, it must mean that being a tiger is important and something to be proud of. And proud of it I am.

From my very youngest days, I knew I was important. In fact, I knew I was the King of Reality. It has always been undeniably clear to me that I am the King of Reality, and this was a fact that I have humbly tried to bestow upon the world. Unfortunately, nobody listened, not even my Mum, who should have felt blessed to have brought into this world one such as I. Even my own siblings ignored my prophetic insight into my own being, and told me I was “mental”.

I grew up in a jungle that I was never quite sure of the name of, because I never got around to naming it. Everybody tried to convince me it was already named, but because that name was something I clearly rejected, it remains unnamed to this day.

For a large portion of my young days, I attempted to lead my family into anointing me as their King, but they continually refused. It was due to this tragic rejection by my own kin that I chose to wipe the dust off my feet and leave. 

Unfortunately, my claws were out when I wiped the dust off, and my paws left a trail of my royal blood through the rainforest.

My Mum found me the next day through some divine insight I have still yet to understand. Maybe she was drawn to my supreme influence, and just knew. (She claimed it was the trail of blood my paw pads left behind, but I knew the truth was more divine, considering it was about me and all). Unfortunately, whatever it was, she rejected it, and demanded I come home.

By that time though, I had already formed my own group of followers, and I had to say farewell to that poor lost soul I once called my mother, in order to lead my new team to the truth. I wished her farewell, and hoped that she would someday see the light. At this she laughed and said, “Okay sweetie, have fun.”

Upon the promise that I would be safe with my new “friends” (of course I’m gonna be safe, hasn’t she listened to anything I’d ever said about the King of Reality’s powers), and that I’d be back by nightfall (back where, I’m not sure, but I hope it wasn’t her home, because in that case, I completely forgot) she was gone.

But finally, I had my followers.

Had.

When I awoke the next day from my dreams of leading the world to a joy that can only be found in me, my followers were fleeing through the woods. Without me.

“Hey, wait up!” I called, scrambling to my mighty feet, and chasing after them. But by the time I caught up to where they were, they were no longer there, and I was the same distance away as I was when I started. I tried to use my powers over reality to shrink the gap between us, but my powers were mysteriously not working right, and I just ended up performing a dolly zoom with my vision. It was super cool, but it did nothing to bring my buddies back.

Eventually, they led me up the side of a cliff, which was totally messed up, because I’m the one destined to be leading them, when suddenly, I lost my balance (it can happen when you’re balancing the entirety of reality on your shoulders), and I started to slide down the steep hill.

After smashing into a hard rock at the bottom, that I somehow failed to make softer, I looked up at the trail my followers were taking. After a few seconds they disappeared from sight.

And then the knowledge began to rain on me. I, the mighty King of Reality, was alone.

Chapter 2

The next 15 seconds were pretty rough, but then I decided to stop counting, so there were an innumerous amount of seconds that were pretty rough after that. Then I decided to have a nap.

My dreams were seriously epic, but then I woke up, and all that epicness I had previously felt was gone.

After a little bit of thinking, I decided to make my way back to my Mum. She may have been confused about her son’s greatness, but she sure knew how to eat.

Unfortunately, after a bunch of wandering, I realized I forgot how to get back there.

So, I decided I would just follow my trail of royal blood.

But after a bunch more wandering, I realized I forgot how to get back to the trail as well.

I used my powers to bring Mum’s home to me, but my powers must have forgotten where my Mum’s home was as well, because nothing happened.

Then next few weeks were pretty rough.

I tried to convince my pray to come to me, telling the little critters that they would be serving a noble purpose on their long journey through my digestive system, but none seemed to understand the importance of the task I had placed before them, and they all fled in an unexplainable sense of terror.

So I was hungry.

But the worst was yet to come. In just a few days, my majestic fur coat began to grow knots.

And these knots were made of nuclear weapons, which I knew because every time I messed them, they exploded into my very soul.

And how beautiful those explosions were.

After suffering much more agony than was probably worth it for such beauty, I lay crumpled down on the ground to moan. I had originally set aside ten hours for such a task, but I eventually grew bored and called it quits after two. I don’t know if I was quite as thorough as I would have been if I had went the other eight, but as the King of Reality, I said it was the best job ever, and it was so.

But after a few hours without my moaning session, it soon became apparent that there was nothing else to do. And that was boring. So I demanded that reality be less boring.

It didn’t listen.

That’s when it became clear. Why were my powers of pure awe continually not working? Because somebody had taken them away. I had an antagonist! Mebtilogu: King of Anti-Reality!

How did I know this?

Because I said so.

So I set out to find this Mebtilogu, but he was pretty good at covering his tracks. I had to find him before he caused anymore trouble though, because I was sure, whatever he touched was a pure contradiction of the reality I had established, and thus, Not Real. I had to stop him from deceive the world into believing his Not-Reality, before it was too late.

And thus my path was set. My path to end the malicious reign of the Dark Lord Mebtilogu and restore peace and reality to the yet unnamed Rainforest.

Chapter 3

The next few days I spent trying to find this fiendish Mebtilogu, but he was nowhere to be seen.

Then I decided to use my grand powers of reality to make him appear out of that “nowhere”. Still he did not.

Man, he was good.

But I knew he must have been there, because my Reality Powers were making him there, he was just using his Not-Reality powers to make him not there as well. But because I knew his powers were Not-Reality, I knew he was there in front of my magnificent self.

“Mebtilogu!” I yelled, “How dare you upset the divine powers of the mighty Tlumisog!”

Mebtilogu used his Not-Reality powers to not respond. He was more powerful than I thought.

So I decided to imagine a response, “Oh mighty Tlumisog,” Mebtilogu said, I decided, “I am sorry for my vengeanceful nature. Your powers are beyond anything I have ever known. Will thou forgive me?” I never actually heard him say it, but I decided that was what he had said, and that was good enough. Whatever he did not say did not count because he had only said it in his artificial Not-Reality.

I thought long and hard about this being’s poor pathetic response. I pitied him, I really did. And there I gave my response. “I hereby spare you Mebtilogu, you are forgiven. Now, I ask you to go forth and declare the greatness of my mercy to the nations.”

Thus Mebtilogu left, my darkest of adversaries defeated, the message of Tlumisog’s mercy bound to spread.

I felt pretty good about myself, the Mighty Tlumisog, King of Reality was finally coming into his power!