Wonder

Inside my head

Everyone likes to ask what is going to go on in my head. What am I thinking about? How do I feel? Those are questions that I am tired of hearing. I want them to stop so here is what is in my head, what I am thinking about, and how I feel. After being rapped by my twin brother I have flashbacks every time I lay down. I think about what he did to me. I wonder is anyone going to come in to my room. Is anyone going to try and do something to me. After I was rapped I thought it felt good. I went on to sleeping around with people. I probably slept with around 25-30 men. Mind you I am only 16. Yet during it I would have panic attacks. I would start crying and tell them sorry and walk out. I had flashbacks of my brother. So finally I decided I would not do it. I don't want the memories so I would stop. Well now I am at school and people are asking me when I am going to give them a blow job. When I am going to suck their dick. I remembered why I had started drinking. I could forget it for that moment. They need to stop. I started to self harm because it brought flashbacks. So not every day I am hitting the wall because I am not a violent person. I don't want to hurt others yet they are hurting me. My hand is busted up, my legs are scared, and my head is scrambled. I don't know what to do. I am thinking about school and how I am scared of getting in trouble because I have two Bs. They all say I am better than that. My diabetes is really pissing me off. I hate it. My blood sugar is so high and I have not eaten a thing. I drink water all the time so it should not be high. I want every thing to stop. I want to be left alone in my room huddled in the corner with the lights out. I don't want people to see me. I don't want to be noticed. I would like to disappear, because I am not making a difference one way or another. 

People say that they care. How can I know that they are trusting me? I had people tell me before that I could trust them just so they could stab my in the back. Yet they let all of my personal things out. They hurt my in many ways. How do I know they are not going to hurt me, in person, over the internet, over phone, or even in school. How do I know that. When am I safe. I watch my back all the time. I am scared to death of what will happen. I am scared someone it going to get me out of the blue. I am scared that someone I know is the one who is going to hurt me. I don't feel safe. I don't feel as if I am protected. I am not safe. I am scared. That is what is going on inside. I watch my back and everything around because of one person. I will never be hurt again. Even if that means never getting close to someone or even sending myself away.

Reviews

[PoeticSorcery]

wow, that's a fucked up story. and it will likely mean nothing to you, but I understand part of how you feel. the mistrusting of others at least. people have acted like my friend, then betrayed me. my first crush, my best friend told her I called her a b***h to him, my two best friends from elementary school, stopped being my friends after a pair of twin boys told them not to be my friend anymore, and people's I've confided in at jobs have told other people what I said about them in confidence. those are just the one's I feel like mentioning. people are cold and cruel, and deceitful liars, out to hurt you, if you show any sign of weakness, but the moment you stand up for yourself, and try to be strong, they call you an a*****e, or a b***h, or some other cruel name, which makes you feel no better about yourself than you did before. it's harder when you're young, once you reach adulthood, there's less a******s looking to hurt you, but by then you're so scarred and scared that you no longer give a s**t, and just try to avoid people altogether. I don't think there's any way to live after living through such pain, but I suppose it's better than just killing yourself, but what do I know? I'm just a pessimist.

[Rebecca Garber]

I really do appreciate your comments. I really never believed that people who understand at all, but what I have learned is that people do. Thank you.

[PoeticSorcery]

you're welcome. and some people won't understand, but it's always nice to find someone who will. we all need that sometimes.

[Rebecca Garber]

You are so totally right. I is nice to find someone that actually understand.

[PoeticSorcery]

it'd be nice if there were more of them, but we take what we can get I suppose.

[Rebecca Garber]

Yeah. There are not enough people like that these days.