Suicide Alice

Yet another story I have started and cannot seem to further myself in.

    Suicide Alice


    His name was Alice. No, he was not blonde with blue eyes and no he did not follow the white rabbit to Wonderland. He was Alice, just Alice. Brown eyed, brunette Alice with all his imperfections. He was not some predestined savior. He was not a hero. He was my life. Alice was my husband. Alice was my everything. Alice said his goodbyes last December; his note was signed in bloody fingerprints. Alice killed himself last December, when the snow was falling. Alice breathed his last breath in December, not in my arms or in a hospital, but in the cold embrace of a porcelain bathtub. It was not poetic �" it was not for love. Alice was sick.


    I knew about his “problem” from the day I met him, Alice hid nothing from the world. Scars marred his arms, torso, legs, back �" they were a part of Alice. Blood stained t-shirts and pockets frayed from the presence of a razor blade. Alice was the last suicide of the year, it took the paramedic’s an hour to arrive. No one wants to come on New Year’s Eve, its supposed to mean new beginnings �" to me it meant an end.
    I met Alice my first year of college, it was three weeks before my eighteenth birthday. I wandered the campus aimlessly lost; I was never very good with maps. He was slouched against a tree. A group of girls were watching him from afar. His hair was long and straight, tied back from his face, but for a few strands about his eyes. I was hesitant to approach. I was lost, but shy and I knew the girls were not friendly.
- "Excuse me? Would you please direct me to the science hall?"
Alice was silent. He barely glanced at me. I flushed bright red.
- "I …thanks I guess."
I hurried off in my embarrassment, the flock of girls giggling to my horror. I stumbled almost twisting my ankle but continued on. I eventually fumbled my way to the science hall; I was ten minutes late. *tick tick tick* The clock seemed to mock me even more than the professor had when I stumbled in. And there he was, Alice, two seats in front and three to the left of me. I turned red in my seat just thinking about what a fool I had been. I rushed out of biology quickly. The hour had not gone by fast enough. This time when I tripped I really did hurt my ankle. No, Alice didn’t play prince charming. He didn’t even look at me as he passed by. I took care of it myself.
 I can hear you now, telling me that he was self-absorbed, that he wasn’t a good person. But I can’t describe to you what I really saw in Alice, I loved him.

I still love him.


    Perhaps I should tell you about myself before I tell you more about Alice. My name is Reri Tilney; maiden name Elliot. I am studying to become a psychiatrist. I have a daughter, her name is Sybil. I was married to Alice Tilney for three short years. I live with the pain of losing him everyday. I live with the fear of losing Sybil everyday. And everyday, I look into the brown eyes of my daughter and I see her father staring back at me.  I am surrounded by mental patients everyday. I am twenty five years of age; twenty two when he died. I still do not know how I have survived, without Sybil I would be lost.

    One day, on my way back from class I came upon a now familiar sight. Alice lounging beneath a tree; hair in his face, and a sad look in his eyes; a gaggle of girls gossiping near by. But this time, there was something different, Alice looked up at me. He LOOKED at me, his eyes seemed to bore holes into my own. It resonated through my head like a scream for help in a dark alley.

I would be lying if I told you that everything had been perfect. In fact, nothing ever seemed to go right with Alice, there was always something that was wrong. When something was wrong Alice let everybody know, there were no secrets with Alice.

-”A new poem?”

 the inquiry seemed to slither over my shoulder as my swirling script bled onto a page. I had no need to look up, I knew who it was beside me, his arm snaked around my waist as he read aloud from the page. I had long finished writing by the time his silky voice quit. When Alice spoke it was entrancing, like he wove a magic spell around you, carrying you into his words. Alice was an actor. Acting was his dream, it was his raison d’être, and he lived and breathed the stage. It was three months into our relationship, and I still had much to learn.

-”Yes, it is my seven hundredth.”

I presented it proudly; I have been writing for years. It had taken five years to reach seven hundred, that is 140 poems a year, 11.6 a month; they were my “memoirs.” Alice truly enjoyed my poetry, probably because of its harsh content. I seemed to call to him in a way that I could not.

His warm breath tickled my neck as he held me close. We would often sit like this, with me in his warm embrace, staring out into nothing. We used to ponder the world together.

-”Alice, where have you been?”

-”Nowhere.”

He lied. There may have been no secrets with Alice, but there were plenty of lies. My fingers knowingly trickled their way to his studded bracelet. Unclasping it sharp red lines met my sight. I turned to Alice and I held him. I do not know if he needed it, but I did.

I had always wanted to get Alice help, but he adamantly refused. I was young, and I was scared. His parents had tried before, putting Alice in counseling and mental hospitals. He never did well there, he was better off outside their walls. Cutting was Alice’s way of coping with pain, a mechanism that only he could reverse, and he would never change a thing. It was my plan then to become a doctor, but this was confirmed only after the death of my husband. He would have been so proud, I’m at the top of my class. We’re doing rotations in a psychiatric hospital next week... It is because of Alice that I chose psychiatry. I want to help others in a way I was never able to help my husband.

There was no help for Alice.

He never told me why he cut. I asked him once �" only once.

-"Why Alice? Am I not enough?"

I was tearful. I stared into his eyes through my own blurred vision. He refused to meet my gaze, refused to flinch when I violently grabbed his mangled forearms. There was red everywhere.

-"You. You make me do this."

His eyes held a feeling I will never know. It wasn't hatred; he never hated me. It was a look of such agony it broke my heart. Alice never cried, so I cried for him. Every emotion he refused to feel I felt for him, and every time I did �" it hurt him more.

It was unhealthy. But if I knew what I do now, it wouldn't have changed anything. You can't change love, even the unhealthy kind. But I would have tried to help him; I would have tried harder. He proposed to me close to a year later. We were married on my nineteenth birthday. Now I can't go a year without remembering that I've been alone for that much longer.

-"You may kiss the bride."

-"Happy birthday, Love."

It was beautiful to see him standing at the alter. An angelic glow surrounded him as he stood there, smiling. I think its the first time I ever saw him truly smile. The second, and last, being when Sybil was born. His kiss, it was magic. Every time it brought me into a new world where everything was brighter, bigger, shining with light. I always thought he felt the same elation, but now I know �" it was all a dream. My dress was cream silk, thick and buttery like an antique. I felt beautiful and happy. Alice always made me happy. I wish I could have done the same for him.

Author's Note

I know some of this is sort of out of order, and there are probably many grammar errors. Please give format suggestions, and comments on the content.

Reviews

[melissa]

very nice:) very well written

[Kevin]

Great start to a story. I was intrigued from the start. You built the main character strongly, and the flow was good. I didn't see very many grammar issues, nothing that an edit wouldn't fix. Good work would love to read more.

[TamerQtaish]

Good start for a what could turn into a great story,
I am honestly not good with stories but I had no problem reading this one,
Keep us posted on how this goes,
All the best,
Tamer

[ChristianM]

Intriguing start to a story that would undoubtedly be filled with sorrow, pain, and misgivings for Alice.
I'd love to read more.
=D

[Coyote Poetry]

I like how you started this story. After reading it. I want more story and information. You brought the characters in properly. Made them special. This could be a very interesting tale. A very strong beginning for the story. I hope to read more.
Coyote

[Natalie]

I think you have a great hold on the mental state of your character. She's not looking for answers or hidden meaning in what happened. She's beyond blaming herself it seems. She's just telling her story.

Put your dialogue in quotes. Italic quotes, maybe, since it's a memory. Read it aloud to yourself to see if it flows as well as it does in your mind. There are only a few minor grammar issues. Not enough to keep it from being a great story.


As far as where you are headed with this, I suspect it to be a very reflective piece with a lot of flash backs that piece together the actual plot. Since we already know the "ending" you'll have to keep them frequent and interesting. Good luck! Hope to read more in the future.

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

This felt like an indie movie in black and white. Its a little abstract but I love that kind of stuff. Listening to this narrative sent chills up my spine. The grieving widow allows us into her mind and roam freely. You really captured her emotions very well. This entire story is stricken with sorrow. There are warm patches here and there. My favorite thing is about how it meanders. Anyone who has felt a great loss and relate here. She seems so overwhelmed with feelings and memories that it would only be natural. I loved this story. The beginning paragraph almost made me feel as if I was drowning.

[maiism]

Mature and well written. I don't see where you could go plot-wise for this though. There's a tone here I can't quite explain...it's familar though. Lonely, dark but not in that emo way. You remind me of a friend I had once. Keep up the good work

[Levioshock]

Only minor grammar mistakes but WOW this is good