The Melancholy Mr.Goldwasser (The Ghost of You)

https://soundcloud.com/ddk1984/diary-of-a-moribund-chemist Theme song for story.

The Melancholy Mr.Goldwasser:

    She had a closed casket cause her eye's wouldn't close for some reason. You know, maybe if I was home an hour earlier and delayed the splicing process-hell at least told her! But I don't know how or why she would have randomly ingest something enigmatic to her. It's not like her, she had more self-control than that. I know she's a recovering addict but when she was using she wasn't a child about it! F**k man...just- just thinking about this s**t is eating me alive.

    Back in 2008, I sold the house and left town on foot with only a toothbrush, a pocket knife and a wallet with $3,000 and good credit. I slept in recreational parks just to try to forget everything, but the event keeps replaying in my head over and over again. Every time I hear the name "Vivian", it's like I'm some f*****g sleeper agent with PTSD activated amidst my handler. Literally I'm thrown right back to the very moment her convulsing body was gripping on my shoulders for dear life... with an aneurysm so powerful it made her eyes bleed down to her lips. But what f***s me up is- I feel I'm the blame for this. If only I put everything away and told her more details on my research she would have been alive!

    But stupid me; me and my bright ambitious ideas!

    I should have told her. And I should have shot that m**********r who drugged her in the back of the head. I was in such a state of shock and I was trying to comfort her and come to grips with the reality of what was happening. The drug was missing a few more chemicals and had no human test subjects. I haven't even gone as far to use lab rats. She was the first test subject. But I question if this murder was just an occupational hazard from my corporate competitors in the pharmaceutical industry. I walked into her convulsing on the floor and he was just watching out of fascination, and had the nerve to stare me dead in my eyes three seconds after I drop to the floor to console her.

    I remember every single detail about him. He was in all black. Wearing a black hoodie with a red zipper, black jeans, and black running shoes. On the bottom of each leg he used black electrical tape around his legs, in order for his pants not to get caught on anything. His hoodie was up and he was wearing a black Russian SCHM-41M gas mask with red lens and a red apparatus connecting to a black filter, taped to his abdomen. I had a reaction time of another two seconds. Within those two seconds I realized I had a loaded 9mm under the fridge in case of a home invasion. By the end of those three seconds my left hand was under the fridge and he was gone.

    The choice I had then was either I chase him down to shoot him, which would be illegal; or I get her some medical attention immediately. I chose the latter but by the time I turned to check her pulse she stopped moving and went limp. She was already dead.

    It's been two years after the funeral.

    2010.

    Since the funeral I went off the grid and flew to a time share in Germany just to be alone for a few years. My parents got worried, deathly worried. But I didn't care. They're just a bunch of upper class snobs looking for someone to point a finger at just to not take responsibility for their own failures. Their youngest son is a f*****g cokehead con artist book publisher who pulls a 360 deal on any author signed to his legal gridlock-this is such bullshit. Hell I'm not even their biological child anyway. I'm under enough stress and guilt and if I pick up a call from them I might as well put a gun in my f*****g mouth and call it a life.

    While I was in Germany I spent the majority of my time either doing research on how I fucked up on my cure or spending time in the woods reflecting on the times I've been with Vivian.

    Every.

    Single.

    Moment.

    All the good. All the bad, and all the bullshit. Even til' the first time we met as toddlers in an orphanage. However somehow no matter what I'm doing she's always on the back of my mind. The cure or "drug" in question is my life's research. It's the cure to end insomnia and night terrors. But at the time of the murder the formula was incomplete and still had to go through another splicing process; as well as living test trials.

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Loner20267]

The way you wrote your first person point of view is wonderful. You did a great job at including rich vocabulary in your story and I like that. The way you described your story is great. There are some parts that are a little confusing like the date, so don't forget to make them a little more understandable. Other than that I believe your story will inspire other writers that read it.

[KTizzle]

I thought it would have been cool to know the color of Vvian's eyes. Felt like it could have made a haunting affect in the reader's mind that would conjure up the convulsions. Kinda would have liked more description of her, but maybe you meant to keep it simple with describing her. Also would probably help this line here, " She had a closed casket cause her eye's wouldn't close for some reason." The verb tense "had" makes me think we are talking about the past, when this is the present he is talking in. Also, it would help to change the tense in order to fit the rest of the tense of the paragraph and help the flow into the next one. I've noticed there are a bit of verb tenses that make the jumping of this narrative hard to follow. I loved the jumping because it showed an interesting narration style. Nonlinear narration can be fun sometimes.

I felt like this sentence could have been stronger without the "dear life" "Literally I'm thrown right back to the very moment her convulsing body was gripping on my shoulders for dear life... "

I felt he was kinda whiny here, "They're just a bunch of upper class snobs looking for someone to point a finger at just to not take responsibility for their own failures. " the next sentence was enough to display that characterization of snobby, unjust parents, at least to me.

Also, why did the gas man just stand there? Was that to add a creepy affect? Because if he was a competitor, wouldnt he try to assault the chemist or run away after being seen?

The end was fine to me. I thought this whole chapter was really creepy, which is good! I thought the description was great and loved the narration choice.

Good job.

Thanks for sharing with me.

[Cahjli Symes]

Vivian has green eyes but I wanted to keep her description simple. And the funeral is in the past. The writing is Jorge's diary so he writes in it his experiences whenever he gets the chance to the the tense jumps around a bit but everything mainly meant to be in past tense unless otherwise.

[~Sarah~ Idríel T..]

This is really intense and exciting to read! I like it also that you wrote your first person point of view. Well written! =)

[matrixmark]

Your story telling thought first person point of view is really good. It's a very good piece, some of the sentences could be shorter to pack more of a punch. You're Imagery descriptions are very good and it was easy for me to see what was going on.

The beggining was excellent, quite creepy actually with the open eyes in the casket. You can sense the anger the man is having to deal with coming off the page really easily.

Really liked this piece, a good readlittle bit of polishing will make it a great read.

Mark.

[Bear]

Critique: (She had a closed casket cause her eye's wouldn't close) eyes - the noun eye's should be in the plural form rather than the possessive form.
(But I don't know how or why she would have randomly ingest something) ingested - the verb ingest should be in the past participle form.
(I realized I had a loaded 9mm under the fridge) 9millameter - using initials can be risky as not everyone will have knowledge of firearms and not understand your 9mm reference.
Just a note, your choice to use foul language will affect the reader code when you publish this.

Review: I like the way the story started and how you introduced the main character and while I like your concept it does jump around a bit making it hard to follow the timeline of events. I would like to offer you the link to Grammarly https://app.grammarly.com it is the best writing tool I have come across, I hope you find it as useful as I do and I wish you good luck with your story. Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!

[S. von Glaubitz]

Pretty exciting! The first person narration is an excellent choice. The intense emotions of the narrator are front and center, investing the reader even further into a plot that’s already got a lot going for it.

The timeline is a little difficult to follow. At first glance the dates seem to contradict each other, and overall it kind of jumps around. “It’s been two years after the funeral. 2010.” The other year you gave was 2009, so at first I thought this was a mistake. Then I realized that the death must have occurred in 2008, and the narrator only sold his home in 2009. So he left for Germany in 2008, then came back, sold his home, and lived homelessly in 2009? Now it’s 2010? Trying to figure out the timeline while I was reading took me a little out of the story.

That being said, the sporadic nature of the narration is a good reflection of the narrator’s emotions and enhances his characterization. You have some good moments there, as far as that goes: “Their youngest son” not “my brother”—says a lot about that relationship. Good, subtle characterization.

The ending of the chapter feels a little abrupt. Almost like it cuts off in the middle of a thought. Are the living test trials the subject of the next chapter? If so, maybe find a way to address them in a way that will propel the reader into the next chapter. If not, maybe try to find a different subject to end the chapter on. For instance, the murderer. There’s some good mystery there. Who is he and why did he murder her? I guess he was never caught?

Overall, great start!

[Cahjli Symes]

The murderer is still out there and was never apprehended and yes he sold the house in 2008 actually. Thanks for pointing out the typo. The ending leads up immediately to the test trials. The death of his fiancee is keeps replying in the back of his head.

[Lord of mad men]

Wow I love it if just love it. I enjoyed it very much. Great idea and everything one thing though it was not murder in less the man in black wished for her to die or is doestrogen he view him self as the killer?

[Cahjli Symes]

He felt negligent not notifying her about the possible hazardous chemicals in the house. He feels guilt because he was reckless with his work at the time.

[Lord of mad men]

Okay got it

[Cahjli Symes]

However he walked in on someone actually in the house watching her overdose.

[Lord of mad men]

So the man in black did break a alot laws like the duty to rescue law that's if some is dying you need to at least call 911 even if you caused it thanks for clearing everything up for me

[Cahjli Symes]

Anytime :)

[Coyote Poetry]

A very chapter. I like the way you described the situation and the escape. I liked the personal feel of the story. You are create strong characters and story line. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote