Gas Mask and Roses, 2008. [Prelude]

A chemist grieving over the death of his fiancee.

Every night I close my eyes
I see a face.
Astral traveling within her cordial embrace.
It feels like going back in time. Beyond
the day, I took the blame when she
passed away.

Her bleeding eyes, convulsing
on the floor.
I feel her pain.

Yet a figure stands near the
door.

Reviews

[Matthew Ian Herrawood W]

A beautiful Poem. Having read the chapter I just did, I think this fits perfectly and I honestly wouldn't add or remove anything. I did however find it flowed better for me with a few lines ending sooner putting the rest of the line at the begging of the next.

It feels like going back in time. Beyond
the day, I took the blame when she
passed away.

Her bleeding eyes, convulsing
on the floor.

becomes

It feels like going back in time.
Beyond the day,
I took the blame when she passed away.

Her bleeding eyes,
convulsing on the floor.

for the last bit ("yet a Figure stands near the door") I would personally have it as one line or leave it broken into two but reading as

Yet a figure
Stands near the door

just a suggestion. It is, of course, up to you.
again I like this

[Catherine]

Very lovely prelude, it does make me want to read more... Haunting and beautiful, your words are nicely chosen, thank you for sharing your work.

[KTizzle]

I liked the poem so much I wished there was more of it. I wish there was maybe a ring the chemist refused to take off that sent him astral traveling within the woman's cordial embrace. Did she have a particular smell? I thought adding a sense of smell here would be beneficial seeing as this guy is a chemist and the title has gas mask in it.

I wish there was more to this line, "I feel her pain" because I felt it could have been stronger by explaining where he felt her pain.

I feel like you have a good idea here. I liked the flow. I loved the ending. It gave me chills. I just want to see, hear, and experience more.

Thanks for sharing this with me! Have a great day!

[Cahjli Symes]

This was just a prelude to everything written by the lead. Everything about her scent and everything is explained throughout the rest of the story. This guy is very miserable lol

[JayG]

Were I you, and had I your intent, most of the emotion would be present. I'd have context, too. But this could be a mother speaking of a lost child. It could be a lover. It could be a son speaking of a mother.

Which is it? You know. But the reader has only what the words suggest to them, based on THEIR background.

So in effect, this is for you. It works when you read it because you begin reading with context and intent. You need to make it real to the reader with better trail markers.

[McKenzie J Chatterton]

This is haunting and very real. Nicely written, you really capture the emotion you were trying to portray.

[Cahjli Symes]

Thank you. Glad you enjoyed:)

[Lord of mad men]

Very nice make me have to read more. Nicely done. It has got my attention

[Coyote Poetry]

Very nice introduction. You create mystery and dangerous situation. I wanted to know and read more. Thank you for sharing the excellent opening chapter.
Coyote