That Girl

random experimental

Everyone said, 

"That girl is out of her head" 

because she screams and she cries, as she lay in her bed. 

And her cheeks, they were stained in a pale shade of red, 

because the tears that she shed are actually bled. 

Everyone spoke of the life she had lead-

'Loss of sanity, left with an evil instead.' 

..And because of her anguish, that darkness, and dread, 

....it was no surprise with her cries she had bled herself dead.

Reviews

[Luke Rawlings]

Experimental and it paid off, a really good piece. The rhyming is pretty effective, though it should be 'led' and not 'lead' for that rhyme to work.

[revalatia]

right on!... I'm glad you caught that.. hey.. I don't know if you looked at it..its kind of long.. but, I wrote a piece called the lonely egg.. Another experimental piece, aiming at a younger crowd. You have straight forward reviews, I would love your thoughts about it.. Does it have any potential..? ect.. Thanks for reading :D you rock

[Luke Rawlings]

Lonely egg.. I'll give it a look see. And thanks! Show me how much I rock with a review :P

[Patrick Henry]

I love it!! I wish there was a "part 2" to this, maybe with the reference to blue this time instead of red? I have been reading your poems for weeks and I'm surprised to see that I haven't commented on anything of yours... or they were erased. I can't remember anything like that happening. xoxo -Mark

[revalatia]

thank you very much ~amanda

[Steven]

I like this poem, it's cool how every line rhymes with the same sound, it's a bit unusual to find a poem like that. While also telling a good story. Nice work..

[revalatia]

thanks dude.. If you like this kind of stuff you might wanna check out "The Lonely Egg" in my writings.. Its long yes, but I tried with a slightly larger tale :P

[Steven]

Haha ok, well I shall take a look at this "Lonely Egg" tale of yours then. Will leave my thoughts when finished. :-)

[revalatia]

right on.. thanx! :D

[Sacha Davison]

And her cheeks, they are stained in a pale shade of red,

Something about that line just doesn't flow.
Otherwise, this was a good poem!