Humming soul

A Story by airam

He stood, slightly crunched, in his red plastic tram seat, his eyes gazing through the milky window at the city outlines on the blood reddish summer horizon. An old woman with a grandma allure (round face, red cheeks, grey-white hair and big glasses) and benevolent smile was reading some kind of children book on the seat on his left. He tried to remember his grandmas. Well, better said his grandma, the one he met, from his mother’s side. The other father’s side grandma died before he was born. But somehow although he never met her he got the feeling that she was like the woman on his left, pouring affection from her every single skin pore. The mother side grandma was a little, skinny woman, always trying to help everyone, caring for her children and grandchildren. But in her attempt to help everyone, he did not have the chance to know her so well, to spend enough time with her before she died. And with her death he lost his last grandparent. He was only about 5 at that moment and did not really understand what it meant to die, nor to lose someone to death.

If only he would have known then that at some point he will learn all this death matter, plenty of all this. And yes, now he knew, not that it brought him much, this knowledge. It just showed him that if there is a problem without a solution…that is death. And the worst part of it is that he had to live with it. With the conscious and subconscious thought that while he was still alive so many of the people he loved and cared about were not anymore. And sure, religions try to bring relief, try to offer fuzzy warm theories in which to believe and hope that the lost ones aren’t lost forever. And he believed in some of them, he hoped that they are true and that some kind of paradise or a future life will reunite him with the lost ones. But then there are certain times when….well, all this seemed like a big scam and the only thing he could feel was the hole that was left, the absurdity of life and mostly the absurdity of death and it’s choices of whom to take first. And his mind filled up with thoughts of becoming a murderer, of deciding to die and see what’s true of the whole religious theories, of wanting to do some grand thing in the memory of the lost ones , as if that would make them live again… and well at this precise moment , in this common city tram all this thoughts were joggling and thumbing in his mind making him wish to shout , while throwing an ax to that man who raped and killed six little girls and hopping in front of the tram, only to see the light at the end of the tunnel and his parents and brother in the light!!!!!

And then the tram doors opened and he descended smiling at the old lady on his left, who threw him worried looks. He might have expressed on his face some of his thoughts. He started laughing all by himself. Other worried looks fell on him. He smiled at them and went into the grocery shop. After grabbing a six-pack of beer, some vegetables, a pack of steaks and milk he paid. It seemed that everyone looked at him with worried eyes today he moved quickly to get home. Alice was waiting for him. She will look worried at him too and ask all this questions. She always asks too many questions. Her motivations are good and she is a good woman. Smart, kind looks good and has wonderful tastes in the important things, like music, movies, literature, and life. And he loves her. But she asks way to many questions, always wanting to help him, to make him express his feelings while all he wants is to be left alone with his feelings, have a cold beer, a good meal, an absolutely innocent conversation about some movie or whatever, have a good laugh on some matter, some sex and carry on with his life before it ends.

Hm…okay…that is not his way home, what is he doing here? He was so lost in his thoughts about Alice and so on that he did not notice he went the wrong way. Where the hack was he??? He did not recognize anything. He never knew that there is some kind of forest in this part of the city…and he lived here for the last 10 years. Strange. Maybe the city decided to plant a forest. But these were old trees. And flowers? He never saw this kind of flowers until now. Oh wait! He knows. He was deep in his thoughts when a car went out of the road and drove him over and now he was dead. Probably in paradise, considering the trees and flowers and shiny colors. Hm, should this be paradise. But is he like alone here?? Or maybe something else happened, maybe he had some sort of seizure caused by some undiagnosed disease and he is lying down in the street, and his brain is playing nutty hole right now!! Well then he will be pulled out of this by some paramedics or he will die and find out that this was not paradise and that he is falling into some deep dark, hot hole. He thought too much even now. What was with him today?? Too many thoughts..

“BBBzzzhellloo!!”

What was that? Somebody said hello but he couldn’t see anyone…ok he has the seizure. For sure and hears the voices of the paramedics. Oh, he kind of wished for this. Him dying. But now it was way too strange. He did not ever imagine it like this. And no passed ones to see. He felt the big hole inside him again, bigger and bigger..

“BBBzzzzho are you??”

What? The voice again… He looked around, looking for some person. Nothing.

“BBBzzzou can’t see me, right??”

“ No! Where are you? Who are you??”

“BBBzzzI’m right here, in front of you”

“Really? “ I must have a big kind of seizure or something….

“BBBzzzreally!! I’m in front of you over the orange flower”

“BBBzzzait a moment, I’m coming up”

“What??....” Wow, what is this? A humming bird? But it looks strange…no, no wait. I heard of this insect. It is a humming bug or something that looks like a colibri but is an insect..

“You’re a humming bug!! That’s why you buzz your words like that”

“BBBzzzath did you say??? I’m no humming bug!! What is that? I’m a gorgeous Colibri bird, also called humming bird. Bird!! Not bug!!”

“Then why do you buzz like that??”

“ BBBzzzI”

“I don’t buzz if I don’t want to. I’m just exercising my vocal tones. For my bird singing”

“Ok, then why do you have antennas?”

“I don’t have antennas; I have feather’s you ignorant!”

“Ok, but why do you look like a butterfly….or moth…yes…now I remembered you’re a humming moth!!”

“I’m a humming bird, you stupid human ….something!!!!”

“Ok!! Believe what you want!! If you want to be a bird. Than be a bird!”

“What am I doing talking to a humming bird, moth, kangaroo for all I care??? How big is this damn seizure??? And what are the paramedics doing??”

But, I must give it to the universe. It knows how to take me away from my dark thoughts! And my beer!

“You don’t have a seizure. And there are no paramedics here”

“What do you know, Birdy?? And well, you are only a product of my imagination. I should stop watching those Animal Planet documentaries with Alice!!”

“Oh great!! First you call me a bug, then a moth and now you think you are the Creator and I’m your product!! Well think again you big, dumb. Homo stuff!!!”

“Just great, not only that my mind created a humming bird (well, moth!!) which can talk, it created a grumpy, insulting one with self-acceptance issues!!”

“Don’t you have a bird therapist around??”

“Oooohh, now you call me crazy!!!I will show you crazy, Mr. IthinkIcreatedeverything!!!

“Heyyyyyy!!!What are you doing?? Stop thattt!!! Are you trying to get in my ear????Are you attacking me??? Really?? Come on!! You’re like this little bird bug and I could squish you with a finger if only I would want to!!!”But I don’t!! See I don’t kill things that are smaller than me!!!!”

“BBBzzzah!!Now you call me small!!!

“Your buzzing is back!”

“BBBzzzzno it’s not!!”

“BBzzes, it is!! And now I am buzzing too….” Ok, I have to stop all this! Come on, wake up! See the paramedics, or Alice or somebody “

“BBBzzzell, I am somebody!”

“ No, you’re something! A little creature, creation of my mind!!”

“BBBzzztop this! Calling me your creation!”

“Ok. I will stop everything right now and ignore everything!!”

“BBBzzzzell, ignore this!”

“Aaaawwwww!! You stung me, you little prick!!!

“No, I picked at you, I’m a bird remember????”

“ Whatever! If I would be a coward I would crash you in my hand, Birdy! But I’m not! So just leave me alone!! And by the way, your buzzing is gone again.”

“That’s because I’m happy and satisfied right now!”

“Just because you stung me??”

“Picked at you. Yes”

“Well, I’m glad I had the opportunity to make you happy”

“Me too! Now we must both go. But see you soon!”

“What??”

Ohh…what just happened? I’m in front of the grocery shop again and it’s 10 to 6 pm. Did I have a daydream? Or wait; was it some kind of seizure? Am I developing schizophrenia? Or a brain tumor? He touched his neck on the left side, just beneath the ear. Aaaww. It hurt and he had a bump. That was where the humming thing stung him…..