Tom unlocked Stephanie’s front door with a shaking hand and slipped into her hallway. All was dark and silent. He crept up the stairs, taking care to make as little noise as possible and feeling like a thief in the night. He remembered her calling him a rat the previous night. At that point he believed that she was right, he was a rat.
He hadn’t thought much about why he had gone there, or what he would do when he arrived; he only knew that he had to see her before he left. The irony of it all was that he couldn’t even speak to her. He daren’t risk it. She would want answers, she would want to know why; but he could tell her nothing. He knew that he was being unfair, that she deserved more than this but what could he do? More than anything he was afraid that if he did speak to her he would crack and tell her why he had to leave. Then she would convince him not to go and…the consequences of that didn’t bear thinking about.
When he reached her bedroom door he hesitated and strained to hear evidence of movement inside. He heard nothing and so he pushed the door open and entered. The bedroom was in semi darkness, however the light from a streetlamp outside her window enabled him to make out the basics of the room. The night had been a particularly hot one and Stephanie had thrown the bedcovers off in her sleep. She lay on her back with her face half turned away from him, her hair splayed out on the pillow, one arm flung above her head, her cheeks flushed. He sighed and stood there for a while just watching her, taking in the small details of her about turned face.
Then he began a conversation in his head, unable to vocalise his thoughts for fear of waking her.
Hello Stephie. Sweetheart I’ve got to go away. I don’t want to, but I’ve got to.
He ran a hand through his hair and fought to control his spiralling emotions.
Stephie, there’s this woman you see. And this guy. And this guy loves this woman more than life itself, only the stupid guy couldn’t tell her. And now the worst thing is that the guy can’t tell her because it would put her life in danger. Because the woman is so wonderful and brave that she would fight to keep him here; she wouldn’t care about the danger to herself. So the guy’s got to protect her. But she’s going to be hurt and angry, she’s going to think that he doesn’t care and she’s going to curse the day she let the man hold her and kiss her. But the guy cares and the guy is going to be lost without her.
He swallowed the lump in his throat and looked to the ceiling for a moment.
Stephie, what am I going to do without you? I don’t know…I’ve got to sort this one out somehow but I don’t know how. I don’t want to do this…I don’t know what to do. And the person who I want to run to right away for help is just the person that I can’t. I want to take you in my arms. I want your warmth and your sweetness. I want you to take away this huge aching pain I can feel inside of me right now.
He turned away from her then for a second as he felt his resolve weaken.
I’ve got to go now sweetheart. But I’m going to make it up to you Stephie, somehow.
He kissed two of his fingers and reached out towards her cheek.
“Bye Stephie,” he whispered, turning to leave.
“Where are you going?”
He froze at the sound of her voice and winced when the room was suddenly flooded with light.
“Go back to sleep Stephie,” he said, reaching for the door. At that she bolted out of bed, brushed past him, slammed the door shut and turned to face him with her back against the door handle. “Hold on just a minute! You break into my house, and into my bedroom and then you leave without so much as a word of explanation! What’s going on Tom?”
Damn, this is just what he wanted to avoid!
He ran his hands over his face and through his hair, struggling to think of what to say next. He decided to be as truthful as he possibly could.
“I have to go back to Ireland Stephie. I came to say goodbye.”
She stared at him blankly for a moment with an expressionless face. “I see. And are you coming back? Have you given up your job?” Suddenly her mind was working overtime as a stream of questions filled it. “Will I see you again?” Her voice became louder as her own questions angered her. “ When did you make this decision? When you asked me out on a date? Or was it when you were kissing me in the kitchen downstairs? Or how about when we were in the park and you were talking about us being lovers? Was that when you made the decision eh Tom?” She shouted, releasing the door handle and storming over to the window. She leant against the windowsill with her back to him, too angry to face him any more.
“Stephie, come on. You can’t really believe that,” he said, appearing behind her and running his hands down her arms.
She shrugged them off. “Well tell me different then. Why do you have to go?”
This was the question he had been dreading. “I can’t tell you.” He sighed. “I know what that sounds like, I know what you’re thinking but I really can’t tell you Stephie.”
She spun to face him. “So that’s it? No explanations, nothing. You’re just going to go?”
“I have to Stephie.”
Her eyes bore into him. “But you weren’t even going to say goodbye. You were just going to leave. How could you do that?” He could see the pain and hurt in her face and it was almost more than he could bear.
“Stephie, I don’t know what to say to you!” he shouted out in frustration, turning to pace the room. He laughed bitterly to himself. “You know if I’m honest, I wanted you to wake up! But the more I say to you now the more I get you involved and the more danger I’ll put you in.” She watched him closely, soaking up everything he was saying in an attempt to figure out what was prompting him to leave. “Listen to me Stephie, stay with your father. Promise me you will. I’ve spoken to Brick, he knows. You’ll be okay for tonight but tomorrow you must go back to your father’s house. Now I’ve got to go,” he said suddenly, heading for the door again.
“You’re a hypocrite Tom!” she said in desperation. “What was all that rubbish you said today? That if two people really wanted to be together then nothing would stop them. At least have the decency to admit that you had a change of heart about us.”
He hesitated. She could see the impact that her words were having on him. He was uncertain, torn. But why?
“Tom, I can’t do this any more!” she shouted, fighting to keep the tears from her eyes that she felt threatening. “I don’t know why you have to go but if you do go that’s it as far as I’m concerned. Don’t think that you can just come waltzing back into my life as if nothing has happened. I won’t play these games with you.”
He suddenly cracked and strode towards her, taking her face in his hands and staring deeply into her eyes.
“Stephanie, I’d rather cut my right arm off than leave you here like this but I’ve got to! You know me. I feel as if you know me more than anyone on this whole damn earth! You’ve trusted me with your life many times. So trust me with this Stephie, please!”
She was helpless to keep the tears from flowing then and she threw her arms around his neck, grasping onto his shoulders in anguish.
“Don’t go Tom!” she could hear the desperation in her own voice but she didn’t care. “I’m frightened for you. I’m frightened that I’ll never see you again!” she sobbed. “Whatever it is we have to do this together. I can help you, you need my help.”
He held her tightly against him. Struggling with his own tears he stroked her hair and kissed her face, immersing himself in the moment and taking strength in it for the time ahead when he would be without her.
Then taking a few deep breaths, he moved back from her. “Not this time sweetheart, this time I’ve got to do it on my own.” With that he turned and left.
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