A Disquieting State

For a friend.

 

For the last time, a glimmer, a glitter of hope,

And then it falls into unconsciousness.

In the moonlight, it’s easy not to notice

That you are littered with demons,

That you drown them out like a desperado;

With every substance and every action you can find

To dissuade your soul away from dwelling indoors.

 

“You are missed”. That’s what I’ll write on your grave,

In the dirt after they bury you.

That’s what I’ll think whenever I see a bottle of whiskey;

Your bottle of whiskey.

The world can’t stop you; Lord knows it’s tried.

 

“You are gone”. That’s what I think when I see you,

Stumbling in your daydreams,

Fumbling behind the layers of nonchalance.

And I see the ghosts push,

From their prison behind your eyes, your grin.

 

“Oh, that’s just the way he is”. I don’t believe it.

I’ve seen better; known better.

Who can think while sober? Who can feel while drunk?

Your dilemma is a sickness that you feign,

A habit you campaign.

 

I want to throw you in a padded cell,

The way you carry on, so unconcerned,

So careless, so blundering.

Make it stop. Please, make it stop.

Reviews

[Satine]

Very sad but elegantly written...If I were to change anything I think I would swap some of the stanzas just because the progression seems a little off? For instance I'd make this stanza number 1:

"Oh, that's just the way he is". I don't believe it.I've seen better; known better.Who can think while sober? Who can feel while drunk?..."

Then this stanza number 2:

""You are gone". That's what I think when I see you,Stumbling in your daydreams,Fumbling behind the layers of nonchalance.And I see the ghosts push,From their prison behind your eyes, your grin...."

Then this stanza 3:

"For the last time, a glimmer, a glitter of hope,And then it falls into unconsciousness...."

Then this bit:

""You are missed". That's what I'll write on your grave,In the dirt after they bury you...."

and finally I'd keep the last stanza where it is. This is just a thought of course but I think the progression makes a little more sense sequentially that is.


Satine

[The Autumn Faerie]

From Satine's review, I can see a lot of work went into improving this, and I can say your hard work has paid off. This is a well-written tragedy, and I do hope your friend gets the help he or she needs to kick this habit, or at least to help them pick up the bottle less often...

Best regards,
Raye

[darkmusicbaby88]

This is a very sad poem. I am really interested to know if it is based on actual events. It is very moving and the emotion seeps off the page. Thanks for reviewing my work. C U Sunday!

[Mark D. Chevalier]

In my own case I still to this day cannot drink gin, his gin. This poem touched me on a personal level, and was penned in fluid consistency that made me stop to think.
Nicely done!
M

[mick weller]

'And I see the ghosts push,
From their prison behind your eyes, your grin.'
- very well observed.
...who can break through?
maybe it is only close friends and family who can really see those 'ghosts'?

[Caleb]

Powerful; simply beautiful.
I love the way you depict the habbits of the man.