No Angel

For my mother. Composed late at night when the Nyquil stopped working.

Do you know how hard those words can be,
Skirting around the pain
So you can deny saying the implied?
I can do better?
I'm smarter than this?
My mantra growing up was: I'm not doing good enough.
The screaming, attempts to change me,
Did you ever stop to think that I have feelings?

You're no angel.
You don't make it any easier
To come back to these four walls.
You're not perfect,
Like you wanted me to be
But I can't please you, so I fall.

To the bottom of a bottle,
Draining it of painkillers,
To the back of the fridge,
Eating away my discontentment
To my knees in tears each night,
Working up the courage to run or die.

You're no angel.
You don't make it any easier
To keep the knife away from my wrist.
You're not perfect,
So quit acting like you're worthy
To control my life through every turn and twist.

Do you know that I am aware
Of the words behind your speech,
Do you think I can be exactly
What you demand that I should be?
Do you even know me,
What I've been through, what I know?

You're no angel.
God would cry if he knew
All the torment that you have led me to.
You're not perfect,
And my tears fall freely now
Although I'm not either,
I know I'm better than you.
And I'll always be better than you.

Reviews

[Scarlet Opal]

Painful but powerful; your poem brought an old sore of mine to fester when I read, and most times, that's not easy to do, hehe. But the subtle anger I felt from your words is overpowering which, in my book, makes you an excellent writer. =) My favorite part of this poem would be:

"But I can't please you, so I fall.

To the bottom of a bottle,
Draining it of painkillers,
To the back of the fridge,
Eating away my discontentment
To my knees in tears each night,
Working up the courage to run or die."

I love how these lines circle around so fluidly, like a sliding down a spiral that suddenly ends with the word "die." I love that effect.

[darkmusicbaby88]

I feel your pain. The powerful images drew me in and I love the flow of the piece. I have had issues with my father and I can really relate to this poem.

[JanMarie]

You express your pain very well. I can (nearly) feel what it must have been like growing up with someone who was so judgmental and tough on you. Your words remind me of a song, I think by Kelly Clarkson -- Because of You. I hope you choose to run, not die, because you have talent and beauty inside of you that should be shared with the world.