I Am.

This is me.

I am a writer. A lover. A dreamer. A hoper.

I am a believer. A bipolar. A mover. A fighter.

I am a worker. A victor. A sister. A friend.

I am Renee and I am strong and powerful and unbelievably courageous. But I am also meek and scared and completely human. I have made decisions and I have learned from them and I have scars that will never heal. I've made painful choices, some of which have forever shaped the core of who I am and what I have been through. But isn't that the beautiful part of me? That I have taken this journey to discover who I am and along the way I have found who I am not.

I am not you. Nor fake. Nor hate.

I am not cruel. Or gay. Or weak.

I am not lost. Or easy. Or alone.

I am just, Renee. And if it weren't for the experiences that taught me what I'm not, I wouldn't know who I am and for that I am grateful.

A few years ago, a pain began to rage inside of me and it tore me apart. I was ravaged with an ache in my chest the size of Texas that no amount of distraction could cure. I began to slice through the pain and with each stroke began to reach a freedom I hadn't known existed. The release was immediate and it was almost as if the pain I had struggled to understand was being fully expressed so the rest of the world could see it. But within moments the pain returned and no matter how much I cut, it always came back. I hadn't found the cure after all.

I struggled with this indescribable pain for years, and fought as hard as I could to fend it off. Sometimes, I was victorious. Other times I wasn't, and the cutting continued. But I went headfirst into battle and fought my hardest every time.

Then, something saved me. Something took me away from the anger and pain that were bottled up inside of me. That something was writing. I learned very quickly that I had a talent, but even more than that I absolutely loved it. To me, words flowed through my soul and onto the paper and it was the only way I could make sense out of what I was feeling. Writing saved me.

A diagnosis also, in a weird way, saved my life but it wasn't until my mind took me nearly over the edge that I could find that saving grace. I had been angry and impulsive and upside down for months when I decided to go away to school in Montana. While I was there, I pushed everyone in my life away except for one very important person. Her name is Tierra and if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here today. She brought me to the freedom I had always longed for and it is because of her that I know who I am. She supported me as I began to seek answers for my ugly depression and suicide attempt. She saw me through those dark times and taught me the true meaning of friendship. So when a doctor brought up the word bipolar, it was by my side that she stood and never left.

Then one dark and gloomy day, I decided to end my life once again and tied a pillowcase over my head and wished for the end. But something stopped me, something pulled me back and that is when I realized that there is a part of me that I will never be able to escape. I am hopeful.

So I returned to my home in Colorado and sought treatment for my now diagnosed mental disorder. It was a long and winding journey but spending time in the hospital, having hallucinations, and trying again to end my life taught me how strong I can be, and how strong my will to survive truly is. I am a fighter, and from this day forward I will fight to be the best version of myself I can be, even if that means making painful decisions to better discover who I am. I will fight this fight.

There is one decision I made that has forever changed who I am, and who I'm not. His name is Eric, and when I decided to ask him for coffee that Sunday afternoon, I had no idea how far that road would take us. But here we are, 7 months later and meant for each other. But even more than soul mates, we are best friends. People who have taught each other what it means to stick by each other's side through thick and thin. Eric has seen me at my absolute worst and he has remained steadfast through it all. So not only will I fight for me, I will fight for him and for us. For the remainder of forever.

I have made a lot of decisions- some would even call them mistakes. But I wouldn't, because those decisions gave me the best gift anyone could ask for- myself. Without those painful choices I wouldn't have access to the most intimate details of my soul. Everything I have gone through has stripped me naked and exposed me to the world. But that's okay because now I just want to say to the world, “Hey, check me out!” I have dreams and passions and love to share and I plan on sharing all of them someday. And someday, is right on time.

I am Renee, and I am strong and powerful and unbelievably courageous. Most importantly, I am wildly passionate about the life I live and I intend on living it with the wisdom I have received from the decisions I have made and the people in my life who have never given up.

Reviews

[Tierra Starr]

This is beautiful Hun :) I love you and everything you are! :) you are you and that is amazing, don't let anyone change that! Your words are always inspiring.