They Wish Me Dead

A story about the struggles of hallucinations and being bipolar.

 I can feel it building up- the angst, the fear, the crazy. It will soon consume my mind, body, and soul and strip me of any sanity I had been clinging too. Then, it happens. The one thing I have been dreading, anticipating, loathing. It happens and all too soon my world is taken away, fading far into the background as this thing takes center stage. I had hoped it would never return, but I have learned that hope is fleeting- he will always return.

The demon is here. He announced his arrival days ago, and slowly but surely he crept back in to the place he is most comfortable- my brain. His bulging eyes and glowing green skin become a constant image and he has taken control of every other image I see. Last night, it was an empty pill bottle and my haunting corpse. Today, it is the skin being sliced and ripped off my body by my own hand. He's a dark one, that is for sure.

I flashback to my childhood bed, many years ago. My screams torture the air around me as my mom rushes down the stairs to attend to her anxious child. Tears pierce my cheeks as I cry out from the pain of this demon in my brain. He is showing me pictures, horrible pictures a girl my age should never see. “Go away!” I scream at the pictures, but they don't and I cry to my mom, begging her not to be mad at me. Finally, my dad comes downstairs and with the warmth of their love surrounding me, I tell them that I am thinking about killing my mom. I don't want to, but the pictures won't get out of my head. I scream at the horror of my own words, and struggle to comprehend why this is happening to me. Finally, my scared mother tells me to open the Bible and find a verse that comforts me. I flip open my Bible and the first verse I see is Psalm 46:1- “God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble.” Finally, a calm in the midst of a storm. After struggling, I was able to find some peace from the demon. Little did I know that many years later, he would return with a vengeance, delivering images so shocking I would never forget them.

Then, a few months ago, the demon came back. Only this time I could see him when I closed my eyes. He was in my brain and growing stronger. I didn't want him there, because I was just getting settled in my new life at The University of Montana and I didn't need any interruptions. Who did? But all of a sudden, Damon the demon swept in and took over my brain, my body, my sanity. It felt as though my actions and words were no longer my own and I began to lose control. I was mean and distant to the only friend I had, and soon I couldn't take it anymore.

The demon was showing me pictures- of hanging myself, of overdosing on pills, of ripping all my skin off. I couldn't stop them and it felt as though I was possessed. Then the demon started eating my brain, of this I was convinced. And once he did that, he would be able to look and act like me while simultaneously destroying my life, and I wasn't going to let that happen.

I attempted suicide. I got scared though, and stopped and called the one person in my life who has always been there for me. My mom was calm as I told her what had happened, and then all of a sudden it hit me. I had to go home. I needed home. Maybe the demon couldn't get me there. So I quit my job, packed my bags, and left. Just like that.

I'm still not quite sure how I made it 14 hours home with evil taking up residence in my brain, but I did it. Once I got home, I was immediately taken to a doctor where I was then placed on a 72-hour suicide hold at a psychiatric hospital. That's where the demon went away because that's where I was given news that would change my life forever.

I am bipolar type 1, and when I'm manic I hallucinate. I see demons. Even though that news could be devastating and horrific and sad, it wasn't because it meant the demon wasn't real. Even though he feels real and he hurts and he scars, somewhere deep inside I will always know that he isn't real.

The demon has come back since then, and he has done a lot of damage. He nearly destroyed my relationship with the most incredible man in the world, and he is currently in the process of decimating my school career. I dread him more than anything, but at least somewhere deep down, I know he's not real. That's the freedom of being bipolar.

Reviews

[Lu Zamber]

All will be well, This is very strong and deep. :)

[Paradise]

Renee, you sound like a wonderful young woman who has a lot to give in this world. Please stay close to your mom and others in your family who love and cherish you. Get treatment and continue on the treatment and medications. Do not let that demon win, YOU can beat him with the love and support of those closest to you. I know it will not be easy but please don't let him win. Your writing is amazing, you are very talented and can go far in this life. Stay close with those that love you and please please please listen to your doctors and beat this demon. I may not know you but I do care.

[Reneé H]

thank you so much :)

[Paradise]

You are so welcome, just know that people DO care about you and want you to thrive.