The Art of Purpose

A story about hope in the middle of darkness.

I could say that every day feels like a million years, a battle of a thousand men, a hurdle of immense magnitude. I could talk about the hundreds of pounds that have taken up residence on my shoulders, or the tears that always fall. I could tell you about the hole in my heart where love is supposed to be, or the ache in my chest from the losses I have endured to be here. I could talk about the anger that bubbles underneath the surface at this incurable disorder, or the sadness that ensues when I remember what I have given up. I could say that the journey has been the most grueling thing I have ever taken and there were countless times I almost gave up. I could say nothing at all.

But I choose to say that this mountain has blessed me in ways I have yet to fully comprehend, and that the presence of this disorder in my life may be powerful and heavy and hard, but it will not defeat me. It may have gotten pretty damn close, but instead of giving in, I ripped that pillowcase off my head and drove 14 hours to safety. I chose life, and now I refuse not to live it. I'm here for a reason, so I choose to say that tomorrow will be a brighter day. I choose to believe that the beauty of tomorrow lies in the hope that a combination of medication, therapy, and support will give me the life I have always dreamed of. I choose to trust that my heart is one worth saving, and that through all of the pain I will blossom into the flower I was destined to become. Some petals may fall in the process, but I will grow stronger in their absence. I choose to hope in the love of someone in my future, even if I do not know them today. I am choosing, from this day forward, to rejoice in the strength I had to save myself from the depths of despair, and to honor that choice by living a life full of just that- life.

The blessing of the hospital, the antidepressants, of all the crazy is that I found what was making me miserable, and even though I can't cure it, I can change it. I can help get the crazy out of my brain, and I can manage my disorder and life can be liveable. I didn't have that hope before, and now that I've tasted it, I know that hope is sweet. Life can be sweet, and finally I am catching a glimpse, a taste, of the nectar that so entices the rest of the world. From here on out, I could choose to be Reneé, trampled and ambushed by bipolar disorder. But I choose to be Reneé, growing stronger every day from fighting an illness that will not win. I refuse to surrender, and I refuse to believe that this is all there is.

So I put my hand on my heart every morning, and choose to believe that the heartbeat is called purpose, my purpose, and I will continue to fight to discover the sweetest side of life, the happiest life. This I promise.  

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

Very well-written, full of courage and honesty. You've got the right attitude, and I hope you maintain it. Life often presents us with many obstacles, so we have to learn to deal with them. Sometimes happiness is not easily achieved, but it is there for those who keep hope in their hearts.