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New Years is suppose to be a time to celebrate. A time to start anew. To forget about last year and make this year even better. I never had that chance. I never had a chance to start over. Every time the new year roles around, I kept replaying that year in my head. The worst part about it is, that I don’t even have the whole story. So I just keep replaying the parts that I know, and adding in the parts that I can imagine, trying to be make my own reality.

December 31^st 2006 2am

                “Mike, Mike wake up!” I felt small hands on my shoulder as I rolled over and looked up at Mady. “What the hell Mady?” I moaned looking that the clock. “It’s 2am!” I rolled back over, but she started shaking me again. “Mike, please listen to me.” I tried to shrug her off. “Mike! Your mom has been in an accident.” I whirled around to face her, for the first time seeing the terror in her face. Her pale face was ghostly white , and her beautiful eyes red and swollen. “What do you mean she’s hurt?” I almost fell out of bed in my haste to get up. She caught me, her warm hands hot against my suddenly cold skin. I looked around in a panic trying to find pants and a shirt. “I need to get dressed; I need to get to her.” I started to mumble unintelligently. “Mike.” She looked at me and I started to cry. She looked at me and I knew that there was no use to even get dressed. She looked at me and I knew that when I got there my mother wasn’t going to be there. She looked at me and I knew, because it was Mady because I already knew and because I felt it, that she was dead.

December 31^st 6am

                “Do you understand?” I didn’t hear the words that left the officers mouth. I thought that maybe my senses were gone. That maybe my mother had taken them with her, and that no one knew how to get them back. All except for Mady. All I could feel was Mady. All I could hear was her voice, see was her face, feel was her hand in mine. She get pulling me through this new senseless world. Some kind of fucked up alternate reality. Where the people that I loved where gone. All except for Mady, she never left my side. She stayed by my side when the police officer told me that my mother had been killed by a speeding car. That her killer was unrecognizable after the accident that they couldn’t even identify it. Mady was there when they told me they didn’t know how long my mother had been sitting in agony before they found her, or how fast the car had gone when it hit her or why my mother had been there at that moment. Why she had been walking on some back road, so far away from her family. Mady held me when the doctor told me that she was no longer with us, and I stood there in shock, still not feeling anything but her. She held me in her arms and covered my face so I wouldn’t see the body bag they put her in, as the cops brought her by. Mady held me hand as she told me that she had found my mother on the back road and that she had called the ambulance and waited with her until it came. She told me that my mom had begged for Mady to stop the pain, to just kill her. She had screamed at Mady because she couldn’t stand the pain anymore. Mady told her she was so sorry, but she couldn’t and the ambulance would be here soon. She said that she cried and screamed for a while then became really peaceful. Mady began to cry as she told me that my mother kept repeating how much she loved me. That I shouldn’t be sad, that I would be okay. She said that she was so sorry that she had to leave me. That she was so sorry she couldn’t see me all grown up. She said that I should never give up, that she would always be with me. Mady squeezed my hand tighter as she told me how my mom became unconscious and how the ambulance got there seconds later, and how she stood and stared at the spot where my mother had laid before she brought herself together enough to come find me. Mady held me tightly as we sat on my bed, hours after leaving the hospital. She didn’t talk anymore; there wasn’t anything else to say. Mady was there when I realized that this senseless world was reality. When I finally started feeling the pain that was like a whole inside of me. She held me together when I started to sob, my whole body shaking. When it felt like every inch of body was screaming to be put out of its misery. She held me until I drifted back in the senseless world, and all I could feel was her holding everything together.

December 31^st 2006 11:30pm

                I sat in front of all my closest friends, Mady sitting beside me holding my hand. I couldn’t look a single one of them in the eye, because I knew what each held, pity. I didn’t want their pity. I didn’t want to feel anymore pity than I already did. I wanted empathy; I wanted to be consoled as I told them of my mother’s death. They tried, I will give them that, but they didn’t get it to the same level that Mady did. I looked at Sam, who was only here because he was dating Mady. The only reason he had joined our group was because he was madly in love with Mady. I hated him. I looked at Chris, who I had known since we were kids. I thought of all people that he would understand, thought that he would understand me, but he wouldn’t even look at me. I moved on to look at Jaime. Sweet little Jaime, Mady’s baby sister, who had always wormed her way into our ranks. She was too young to understand. Next to her was Andrea. Andrea was gorgeous. But I had never loved her like I loved Mady. She looked at me, and all I saw was pity. I couldn’t stand to sit here and be pitied. So finally I turned to my comfort. She looked at like I was the only person in the room. Like no one else mattered but me. She urged me on muttering my next words to me, knowing that I kept losing my train of thought. Never leaving my eyes, she urged me with compassion and love to make them understand. To feel my pain like she did. “I don’t know how to make you understand.” She nodded telling me to continue on. “But I’m lost without her. It’s like the world keeps on spinning without her, but everything has changed. And I don’t know how to keep on spinning with the world. My life has stopped, but no one else’s has. My dad won’t deal with it. It just been pushed aside, don’t talk about it, don’t deal with it. But I need to talk about it. I need to deal with it. Or it feels like she will be gone forever.” Mady squeezed my hand even tighter. All I could feel was her warmth, her patience. “You all know how close I was with her. She was the first person I told things to when I came home. The only person I wanted to see when I did something I was proud of, because I loved to see her face shine with pride. She was everything that a mother could and should be. She was my everything.” I sniffed, trying so hard to keep from crying. “And even though I know this isn’t true, that I have each of you, and my dad. But without her, I feel, I feel like I don’t have anything.” A sob racked my body, and Mady pulled me close to her. I could feel all of them come closer, trying to offer me an ounce of support. But all I could I feel was Mady, all I wanted was Mady.

Author's Note

opinions im begging you...i don't know if i should continue.

Reviews

[deactivated account. pl..]

... same characters as that creative writing story, yes? or am I nuts?
generally I like it, and yes yes yes, please continue.
there are a few areas that need fine tuning, like every piece, but I want to know more.
I really like it Ks.
... it struck me... [[[: