Sunset

The clock strikes seven,

The days grow hotter,

Summer is finally here.

 

As I sit on the beach,

 

The sand in my toes,

 

The shells glitter from the sun,

I watching the bright colors leave the fulfilled day,

Tears flowing down my rosy cheeks.

 

As I'm sitting there, thinking of the months I shared with this girl,

All the memories we had together.

The days sit still as if the clock has stopped,

I am wondering what to do next.

 

Flashbacks spring into my head,

I remember the moment we first met,

And the long nights when nothing else mattered.

 

I remember the beautiful smile which she gave me each morning,

She glances at me to give a smile of comfort and trust,

As she exchanges a few simple words "I love you".

 

And even though we fought,

Nothing seemed to work,

I still know that we love each other.

 

Though the memories won't stop,

We will have many more to come,

As she sits next to me when the sun lowered over

the waters,

Wanting this moment to last forever.
 

Reviews

[Emily Rose]

Again, very sweet and has a nice air of longing to it.

As usual, I have a few grammatical qualms (sorry! I would turn it off if I could, but I can't): "rosey" is spelled without the "e." It's an easy mistake to make - I've made it and had to be corrected. Also, in the lines "the days sit still as if the clock as stopped/wondering what to do next" it sounds as if the clock is wondering what to do next, and not you (this is what in the English nerd business call a "dangling modifier"). You may want to add "I am" before the "wondering what to do next" part to fix this, unless you really do mean for the clock to be wondering what to do next, but in that case I'd find it a little surreal. Also, I'm a bit confused as to why tears are "flowing down your rosy cheeks." It gives the impression of sadness, but that doesn't seem to fit with the more sentimental, happy theme of the poem. You may want to clarify what the tears are there for - are they in sadness that the day has come to an end? Are they happy tears that you and the girl mentioned have made it this far? Are they tears of pain from some unknown metaphysical hurt? You may want to answer this question to give the work some more clarity.

A little more imagery would be helpful, too. Since your setting is on a beach, perhaps you could mention the feel of the sand or the glint of the dying sunlight off of nearby shells. Such things bring great strength to a poem, especially if you can appeal to several of the senses. There's an old adage in creative writing that rings true in every case: "show, don't tell." This means that instead of saying "I am at the beach" you use imagery about the beach to imply that that's where you are. It makes writing more powerful and leaves a lasting impression in the reader's mind. Good luck!

[Summers Under The Old O..]

This is such a sweet poem. You described the beach perfectly, I could've sworn I felt sand in my toes when I was reading it. =]

Emily is amazing. Listen to her, she says everything that needs to be said. The rest of us can only say how sweet this poem is.

[WordMaster]

Nice story line ...

Emily said it all ...

Keep writing...

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There's a sad and gentle beauty in sunsets, and you've captured that, mixed with your personal longing.