for some strange reason

For some strange reason
I can’t delete your message.
No matter how hard I try
my hands stick,
my fingers are glued,
I turn off my phone,
push it aside
to forget
but for what?
Will you always be unlisted
in the yellow pages?
Will you always be an unanswered message?

Trying to forget you even existed
is the hardest part,
especially when I remember
that oath I made to
stay near you, get to know you better
than when we were younger
and you were far away.
And how can I forget your son,
my nephew, and the memories
we could’ve acquired along the way?

I want to say that I hate you
for leaving without a note left behind.
I want to say I hate you for leaving
our father alone in that empty house.
Somehow you filled spaces
that I left wide open.
When I wasn't there,
you could be his comfort
but you left without a goodbye.
You left without a word,
and now the pieces are shattered.

I want to say I hate you
for even wishing me a happy birthday.
How can you love me
when you refuse to see me.

How can you love me
when you don’t leave a

safe number to call, or
a “call me anytime”
goodbye hug.
I swear if I ever see you again,
I will run to your arms,
and never let go,
because this distance
is carving cysts into my being.

I swear I will tell you all of this and more
without the fear of our age difference,
which could cause you to turn away even more,
because I’m no longer afraid anymore.
I thought you should see the growth in me,
the change that your leaving
and other difficult situations in my life
have brought me.

Because I’m not the little girl
bouncing in your lap.
I’m nearly a woman

swiping debit cards,
and riding in cars with men,
walking back to hotel rooms
in the break of day,
straddling tidal waves,
and wearing short shorts.

There is wisdom from the decisions I’ve made;
I’ve made peace, putting faith and trust
not only in God himself,
but in the people around me.
Isn't that marvelous enough?