Dear Shelby

Dear Shelby,

Remember me?
Remember when you were two
and I was three?
Remember all the days spent in
your family’s garage?
Remember us playing with baby dolls,
before playing house turned into the real thing
and you went off chasing a mother's dream?
A nervous thing I used to be;
still am today, isn't that something?
While you're at home taking care of your own
I'm out in the city wishing I were alone.

I miss those days of leisure walking,
side by side, I remember us talking
about nothing and everything;
hopscotch on the sidewalk
(school, boys, and church friends)
above our heads we'd hear birds squawk.
Hide and go seek in the itchy bushes;
late night conversations before your mom shushes. 

Those used to be the golden days;
Me, I can’t forget them.
Nonstop, I relive them.
Over and again a scenario plays in my head;
one where it never ended,
one where it all began.
The days you used to call me
your best friend, and you meant it.
"Best-est" friends, thicker than thieves.
In that scenario what we were
is what we are.
No great divide, no deep regrets,
but I doubt you have any
anymore.

You have grown up,
lost your rag-tag of innocence,
lived your life 
without my presence-
something I regret all the time
because you were like a sister to me.

No one can replace that
no matter how hard I try.
No one can replace you.
I see that now
through my searching for an identity,
a best friend after you,
I found no one,
nothing like what we had as kids.
I've only found temporary relationships
that with a step back fell flat.

I know you don’t need me in your life now
that you have grown up things to do
but there was a time I needed you.
But through circumstances unforeseen
you weren't there for me;
I’m still hanging on.
Despite everything I’m still alive.

You probably don’t care,
but I thought you should know
that with every thought of the past
brings a flood of tears to my eyes:
I miss you,
but words can never express, I’m sorry;
I’m sorry, 
I’m so so sorry....