Scatter Brain

Just writing my mind, my feelings. ATM.

9/6/11

The rain is constant. As I look out a window to see the Creator of me giving life to all. Bringing drink up to natures lips. Relieving the thirst to growth. Such a beautiful scene painted in love. I HATE that my mind roams away from You. Leading away to things without substance. It digs at me. Empty. I miss You in these moments; and it even hurts, but Your mercies are many and Your grace is sufficient. Making all trials relevant. The human in me is weak. The strength in me is You. How do I manage to find pride in myself within this? I wish I didn't. Only You can change me. Ever since my baptism I have felt the old me dying inside this body. It's such an odd feeling. It brings hurt; yet in a good way. Twenty-one years of him. I feel him fighting to stay alive in me. I know he will always be there. He fills my memories. My lessons. Pour me out, God, and fill me with You. There is such a battle that is going on behind these eyes. I wonder if they see it? Believe it or not I am happier now then I ever was, yet my joy has yet to shine through. Probably because I still struggle with the things of the past and I only find joy in You. When I talk about You. When I feel You. When I hear You. The connection with others like me. This is where my joy is. Not in this basement, alone. I sometimes feel this way. All the people of my old life was always there and could always relate and help. Now, though, they cannot. They are not here on this path with me. Only You and Our family, Lord. You are enough though!!!! Please don't let this human body with human emotions show differently. You are enough Jesus. I just am not fully grown in the faith. The old me is fighting to let You in every depth of me. I know You will win though. I know it takes time. But You will win me over. I want You to. Fully have me.