Words In A Story...

Words In A Story...

A Poem by A

It’s sad when those that played such a vital role in your growing up and becoming who you are... No Longer Exist.

Only Contacts

Numbers 

Once filled with

joy 

memories 

even Love

Nothing

even lucky

to receive a response 

If Only

they knew...

how special

how valuable

they once were to me

I guess that is

life.

the constant sway

of motion

moments

filled with

sorrow

love

now acting as though you don’t know

you never cared

never once loved 

that person

that you so carelessly pass by

without a backward glance

moving forward 

your past swaying 

dropping

once my every thought 

in this past

nothing but a word on a story

a line in play

the stories, the show

of the 

Summers


...that Created 

Me.

© 2012 A


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Reviews

The idea here is great, really good. There are a few things I'd like to point out.
1. The way this is written now, there are things that make this seem very rushed, and panicked.(Diction, spacing, line ending, etc.) I can't really tell if this deliberate or not. If so, I suggest you build on some of those( diction, spacing,etc) while toning down some of the others. If not, you may want to add a little more structure or rethink some of your word choice.
2. Point of view shifts: Very tricky. Okay, in the beginning you start off in second-person ( using "you", instead of "I", blah blah). Then, in line 17, you switch to first-person(using "I"). This point of view switch only lasts for that line, then changes again to second-person. In the last line, though, you're back to first-person. This is very confusing for me, as the reader, to understand all of the poem. I can't tell if two people are being discussed in the poem, or if this is a mix-up in the narration.
Great read, hope I've helped a bit.

Posted 12 Years Ago



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1 Review
Added on June 20, 2012
Last Updated on June 20, 2012

Author

A
A

London, England, United Kingdom



About
Maude: Well, if some people get upset because they feel they have a hold on some things, I'm merely acting as a gentle reminder: here today, gone tomorrow, so don't get attached to things. Dream as.. more..

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