Flying Away in search of myself

Chapter 1: From Fields of Grain to Oceans of Blue

Holding my breath, I let out a sigh when the wheels left the ground. I was leaving my friends, my home where I'd taken my first step, my first fall; all the good and bad; all the familiarity; all I had ever known. This large steel machine was taking me away from my home and dropping me into the sandy beaches, the vast ocean, and the millions of its inhabitants. Dropping me into a world that might as well have been in Timbuktu for as far away as it began to feel. It appeared evident the six-hour flight was going to drag on forever after the initial ascent. I watched out my window as the flat lands of Nebraska sailed away beneath me. The greens and gold shone in the sun under my watch. I whispered a small,” See you soon," as tears rang in my eyes. I fell back into a deep slumber and awoke to the hustle and bustle of bags being taken from above. I stood and grabbed my belongings, and walked through the aisle and off of the plane. Taking more and more steps to the life I had not chosen. My dad and sister picked my mom and me up at the airport. We drove through the palm tree infested streets populated with the homeless that lived among them. We pulled up to the townhouse which was ours for the time being. I searched out my room, walked out onto the balcony taking in the city lights, the far off sirens, and the movement of people below. Some heading out to the bars, some heading home, all going somewhere; not knowing they were being observed, not caring about the girl on the balcony, alone in this place I was to call home.

Chapter 2: Breaking down the city walls

I think I cried more those first few months then I had my entire life. Everything was new: new address, new phone number, new bedroom, and new view. I had never seen so many homeless people, now I saw them daily, all around me. How could a city so big feel so suffocating? I missed my yard, I missed the open spaces. Any moment I was alone, my thoughts swelled over and I began to miss more and more. I realized all that had been taken from me, not gradual, but all in one swift movement. I had gone from an acre of green behind my home to a concrete driveway without grass. I had grown up surrounded by loving neighbors and best friends walking distance from my home, they became distant in my mind. I fell into a depression. I put on a mask each day while buttoning my plaid skirt; I became enveloped into a world of self-pity. I only thought of how sad I was and how everyone continued to hurt me. I was selfish and too deep in darkness, that I could see no light to guide me out. I disrespected my parents and friends to a point where I felt so alone, so distant from everyone. In this time, I began to lose myself. I lost all my dreams, aspirations, and any ambition I once had.

Chapter 3: Unpacking the baggage

Hour after hour, day after day, month after month began to pass. In the moments it seemed to take forever; the never-ending days of my life. Before I knew it, second semester of freshman year had begun. I remember how the holidays had brought much drama and a certain curtain of sadness draped over. These began the first holidays without snow, without traditions, and in my eyes without the overflow of gratitude and love. Alone in this city I depended on my bicycle for the rides where I could take time to sort out the jumble of thoughts through my head, and the feelings that took over my being. Music helped to, it allowed me to surrender and calm my tears even if for just one night. Little did I know another move was in motion... I completed freshman year and went back home for summer in the sun with my friends, old and new. The summer seemed to disappear in a blink of my eyes. And there I was again; feeling as if I had never gotten off, back on the steel machine kidnapping me from my home. We moved farther up the coast into a quaint house in a quiet neighborhood with picket fences and the appearance that yes families are happy here. I guess my parents saw it as a way to bring back suburban memories, growing up in a house with neighbors away from the city, away from the debauchery that my eyes were apparently to young to see. I found a swing, I found a way to run away from any little argument, or big blowout. I shut down, cut off my friends, family, and anyone who I had even attempted to get close to in this foreign world I would refuse to call home. More months passed and my bitterness grew, I wanted so bad to go back home. Instead I switched schools; I felt everything else was changing why shouldn't this change along with it. I chose a small home school that I took a train and bus to get to it each day. The four hours where I watched the landscape pass by allowed me perfect quality time with myself. No running, just sitting, thoughts, and then peace. Things began to slowly change inside me. I began to respect my body, watching the food I put into it, and the people that were allowed near it. I began to speak with God again, and attend daily Sunday services at a church that I found interested me. I worked with young girls in the youth groups each Sunday, and read more of the bible. I saw these changes, and yet I wasn't scared. This was one change that I accepted. One change that I made for myself, I made it in hopes of being the best I could be.

Chapter 4: Riding the waves

I grew up. I started making better decisions. I began to take into account that rebelling and making poor decisions was not going to change the fact that we moved. I was living in the past, and hoping all could return to before I had gotten on the plane, before my freshman year, before my sophomore year, before the for sale sign went up in the yard of my home, just before it all. I realized that by making bad decisions, that I thought hurt my parents and punished them, were actually hurting me. I reevaluated who I talked to, where I went, why I did everything. I started to forgive my family, and anyone who had hurt me, but most importantly I began to forgive myself. Now I can see myself in a mirror without cringing, walk by and smile with my head held high and positive thoughts flowing all around me. I know I am becoming more and more into the person I aspire to be. I still miss my home, but I have begun to live in the present. My feet are walking among the beaches of California as my heart sways among the prairie of the Nebraska plains. This is what I call the best of both worlds.