Becoming Conscious After Eating A Yellow Moon

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BECOMING CONSCIOUS AFTER EATING A YELLOW MOON

yesterday I ate a yellow moon

as it rode low, and slowly

encountered a twilight sky.

it tasted like vanilla crunch.

but you know, eating the moon

gives you a headache,

like the kind you get if your face

was slammed against the wall,

then kicked in the gut when you were down.

the kind of headache I’ve had since I was three;

at least that is what I was told.

I can’t remember much about those early days.

besides the headaches, I have been deaf since ten

and I carry a limp as well

as a glass eye

from having philosophical

discussions with the cellar steps

as I bounce down.

I now find it hard to open the cellar door

cause I swear I hear crying

coming from down there.

I know it must be me

sprawled on the blood soaked floor

and I think I might go crazy

if I saw myself.

~~~

you know what’s really crazy though?

for the longest time I loved him;

 would follow him

do everything I could to please him.

bring him his pipe

or the newspaper

get him coffee.

except on those days 

where his eyes were red 

and he stank of piss. Then

I would plead:

“oh daddy. don’t be mad at me.

please don’t hit me. no,

no, not that,

 that hurts so much.

I’ll be good. I promise.”

~~~

even now, I think I love him.

I never meant to push him back,

to knock him down the stairs

I guess if I had called the ambulance right away

 everything would have been okay.

but the judge said that it was wrong

to stab him so many times;

to cut off his penis

 and stick it in his mouth.

somehow though, I never understood why.

it’s not like he begged

for mercy

and he never once cried!

~~~

I am in my room now,

back from another conversation

with electricity,

sitting on my bed

at St. Mary’s starring blankly

at this huge, yellow moon.

as I savor its vanilla crunch,

I am trying to understand why

I feel like I am to blame?

trying to remember if I ever smile;

work up enough courage to hate him.

~~redzone 10/29/02

Author's Note

thanks for reading..

captcha: branial.. nothing branial about child abuse. maniaical maybe..