Prologue

Twinkling and sparking �" the stars. Like someone had sprinkled glitter on lustrous, sapphire fabric; like all the diamonds of the world floated away in the dark sky; like some honey was dripping from the blue night above as the stars fell; as if the earth's ocean reposed behind the clear glass with some glitter.

'There can't be anything more beautiful than this sight.' she thought, feeling the beauty of the stars, 'Cities at night, aglow with artificial lights really pale the brilliance of these stars. How could someone forget the lights of the nature? How could they?' She sighed.

As she was busy observing the stars, she didn't even glance at the surface she was standing on.

Suddenly, a beat stuck her ears. She unintentionally looked at the surface and her eyes opened wide in disbelief. She couldn't believe it. The silvery, lambent surface glistened like a clear marble with smooth craters of divers sizes. The beating still continued. She gradually sat on her knees and caressed the silky surface with the tips of her fingers, completely astonished. She looked right, turned left �" back and again turned to the front. Clear and sheen. "Is this the Moon?" She couldn't control a murmur, her mouth agape in extreme surprise.

The beating kept its rhythm. 'What's that? My own heart or a drum?' her mind showered with thoughts, ‘Well… My heart can't be this loud. It's from the ground.' her inner voice whispered as she looked down and gradually moved her ear closer and closer to the white rock below. As the distance between her ear and surface decreased, the beating got clearer and louder. 

"This doesn't sound like a drum. Is that a... heart? Oh my goodness, a heart? A HEART IN THE MOON?!" 

Reviews

[Schatzi]

Hello Red Whisper,

Your first sentence appears to missing a few words. "Twinkling and sparking " the stars." I think I understand what you are trying to say here but I'm not completely sure because of the missing words.

Your second sentence is a bit too long. Consider dropping a few semicolons and making them into complete sentences. Also you start each point with the word, 'like'. Consider revising, using a different word for each punctuated point. "Like someone had sprinkled glitter on lustrous, sapphire fabric; like all the diamonds of the world floated away in the dark sky; like some honey was dripping from the blue night above as the stars fell; as if the earth's ocean reposed behind the clear glass with some glitter."

In the first sentence of the second paragraph. Again, you have a run on sentence here. After stars, punctuate with a period, not a comma. After the word, pale, there seems to be a word missing to link it with the rest of the sentence. Otherwise, this is beautifully written."'There can't be anything more beautiful than this sight.' she thought, feeling the beauty of the stars, 'Cities at night, aglow with artificial lights really pale the brilliance of these stars.

In the next sentence, you write: "How could someone forget the lights of the nature?" Drop the second 'the' before nature. It sounds awkward.

"As she was busy observing the stars, she didn't even glance at the surface she was standing on." Is there some significance to the surface she is standing on? If so, you should elaborate more so that the reader can understand this point.

"Suddenly, a beat stuck her ears." This is worded awkwardly. Stuck? Did you by chance mean, struck?

"She unintentionally looked at the surface and her eyes opened wide in disbelief." Again, if you clarify what the significance to the surface is, this sentence would make more sense to your reader.

"The silvery, lambent surface glistened like a clear marble with smooth craters of divers sizes." More awkward wording here. 'Glistened like a clear marble?' I'm not sure this is the imagery you should use here. Perhaps the word, glass would be a better substitute for marble here. You also lose me with 'smooth craters of divers sizes.' I'm really not sure what image you are trying to convey to the reader here.

"She looked right, turned left " back and again turned to the front." Drop the extra quotation mark after left and consider rewording. Perhaps something like, She looked to her right and then to her left and before she realized, she had spun around in a full circle.

"Clear and sheen." I'm not quite sure what you are trying to say here.

"She couldn't control a murmur, her mouth agape in extreme surprise." More awkward wording here. Consider revising.

"her mind showered with thoughts, ‘Well… My heart can't be this loud." Capitalize the 'h' in the her. This is also worded awkwardly.

"‘Well… My heart can't be this loud. It's from the ground.'" It is unnecessary to capitalize the 'm' in my.

"her inner voice whispered as she looked down and gradually moved her ear closer and closer to the white rock below." Again, capitalize the 'h' in her.

From what I understood, the story seemed interesting. I look forward to reading it again once you have revised it.

Thank you for sharing!

Kind regards,

Schatzi