Dragon Dreams

My friend and I wrote this story at 2 in the morning.

They tiptoed silently past the mouth of the dragon cave, during the dead of night with the full moon shining an eerie glow across the surrounding landscape. The two mortals took refuge in a grove of trees, mere feet from the entrance to the lair of the Giant Green. Hiding for hours it seems, not daring to light the torches they carried with them for fear of being discovered and destroyed. Within hours, that seems like days to our two adventurers the stars began to fade into a raven black sky, and the moon sank slowly below the horizon. The darkest time of day began.

The two humans became restless. The man wiggled and adjusted his back side to a more comfortable position and the woman began to sweat uncomfortably. Finally she stood up and in a scared hushed voice she said:

“I can’t take this anymore, please Harold, let me go back to the village!” He gently put his hand to her mouth to silence her.

“Don’t worry, the dragon will soon leave her lair and her treasure will be ours forever!” She sat down and Harold kissed her lightly on the cheek, just as a sound loud as thunder, the dragon’s huge feet clasped, and the massive green dragon left her cave unguarded. The two slowly pursued to enter.

When they entered the darkened cave they proceeded to go north. They walked for what seemed like hours until they reached a fork in the path. One way going east the other west. They pondered about which path to take when they decided that goes Harold east and Sally goes west. Meanwhile when Sally went west she walked for hours on end until she came upon another fork only it goes north and south. She tried to choose which way to go by Inny-Meeny-Miney-Moe.

Harold on the east side, had trouble also. Not only had he fell once due to tripping on rocks, he was now engulfed in darkness because of his torch going out. He was now stumbling in eerie darkness. Deciding to turn back while he can still faintly see the light of the morning sky, he turns to find his partner in order to relight his torch.

Meanwhile, Sally chose to go north. So she walked for what seems like hours, until she hears running water. But it didn’t smell like water, but wine. It was red wine. When she came upon the mouth of the cave behind the winefall she saw a feast in the cave. Lots of meets she could see and only meats. There were red meats, white, and rare blue and green meats. The blue and green meats were the best of all meats that man could have, but at a gravely coast. After eating the blue or green meat they will die within twenty-four hours. Anyways, Sally sat down at one of the tables and started feasting on the food. It was so delicious and it was cooked so it came right of the bone. Harold soon found the cave and joined Sally as well and they feasted for a long time.

Time in the stone dining hall seamed strange. They could be eating for hours, yet minuets went by, and seconds can seem like days. But they did not care. The food seemed to be enchanted, and they never got full. The wine never tasted so bitter sweet, meat never so satisfying. They soon forgot about money, the dragon, even about their own flaming passion. Candles on the natural, garnet table blew out from an unknown breeze, and the two humans between mouthfuls spoke loudly.

“Can that… be the dragon’s… wings bea… beating the air?” asked Harold.

“Nonsense, we’ve only been here for minutes.”

“It felt like days to me.”

The two mortals stood in shock, mouths opened and food falling on the stone floor. They were dumbstruck for some moments as they stood in the fiery eyes of the Green Beast.

Their silent, still shock stopped once a bombing, angry, thundering voice from above called their names and lightning filled the sky less cave.

“Who dares to eat our feast!” the voice from above said, “And why?”

“We ate your feast because we found it laying here ready to be eaten.” Sally yelled back at the voice.

“That food was for us! The Gods of the Dragons! We sent this Green Dragon to get us food! And YOU ate the offering!” the voice boomed “You two mortals will suffer for eternity in pain or something along those lines.”

“What can you do to us?” Sally said “You’re just a voice!”

“Hun, I don’t think it’s a good idea to talk back to the voice” Harold whispered to Sally.

“Harold! He insulted me somehow.” Sally whined.

“If you two mortals are done bickering, can we continue with the punishment?” the voice said out of boredom.

“Do your worst!” Sally yelled at the top of her lungs.

“Please, Sally, stay quiet, maybe the gods will be kind in our punishment.” Harold pleaded quietly as he could and still have Sally hear, but the gods must have good hearing.

“KIND!” the voice, like thunder, boomed. “You both lost your chance…” the god continued, all the while Sally arguing that he, just being a voice, could do no harm to them. Harold hoped that she was right.

“…and you” the voice signaled to Sally, who’s only response was to roll her eyes stubbornly. “You will pay dearly to your ignorance!”

At that moment, the green dragon, almost forgotten, picked up the woman roughly. For a brief moment Harold could not move. This was quite unexpected. The enormous green dragon blew steam into her face.

“NO!” yelled Harold. He pleaded to the god to kill him instead.

“She gets what she most feared, DEATH.” Harold screamed in protest and anger as Sally was engulfed in a hideous red flame, and what was left of her lifeless burnt body fell to the cold hard floor and her scull shattered to millions of pieces.

“Now,” the voice yelled, “Your turn.” Harold closed his eyes.
To his surprise he opened his eyes to find himself in a lush green valley with flowers growing along side a bubbling blue river. He was lying along the ground on the soft green grass. The sky above was a beautiful blue sky and filled with fluffy white clouds.

“Sleeping!” he cried “Yes! My life is not ruined.” Standing up Harold looked out as the sun began to set. Orange streaks set the sky aflame and Harold realized the sky held no birds. The river had no fish. Walking forward trying to find life. He then realized there was none. He also realized he could not leave the valley it was never ending. He ran back to the river bed.

“This is my punishment. Life alone. Then I shall die!” He plunged his head into the river. He did not drown. He had a forever lasting life in forever lasting loneliness.

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“There is nothing we can do for him.” The doctor said. “We can still keep him living but he is brain dead. He will never again truly live.”

“No. Turn the machines off…” Sally talked trough sobs, “It’s not worth his body living if his head is dead.” she cried at the loss of her lover.
Harold’s life was cut short. The machines were turned off and the valley turned black.

Reviews

[Weaver]

comma after "Hiding for hours"
"it seems" - "it seemed" (don't switch verb tenses)
"Within hours, that seems like days"- no comma - "seemed"
comma after "adventurers"
"into a raven black sky" - "raven-black" in this usage
"adjusted his back side"- "backside"
comma after "comfortable position"
"sweat uncomfortably" - I suggest changing "uncomfortably" to something else since you already used "comfortable" earlier in the sentence.
comma after "voice"
period, not comma, after "anymore"
start new paragraph with "He gently put his hand..."
comma after "leave her lair" (nice touch, making this dragon female - you don't see that very often in stories)
"the dragon’s huge feet clasped"- not sure what this is trying to say - are you sure you have the right word?
"The two slowly pursued to enter" - awkward - "The two slowly entered in pursuit"?
comma after "entered the darkened cave"
comma after "going east"
"pondered about" - delete "about"
"which path to take when they decided" - They aren't pondering WHEN they make the decision. "which path to take, and then they decided"
"that goes Harold east and Sally goes west" - "that Harold would go east and Sally would go west"
"Meanwhile when Sally went west" - NOT "meanwhile" - this happens AFTER
comma after "went west"
comma after "another fork"
"only it goes north and south" - "only it went north and south" (Be careful about switching verb tenses.)
no comma after "Harold on the east side"
"had he fell" - "fallen"
"on rocks, he was now" - "on rocks, but he was now"
"Deciding to turn back while he can still faintly see the light of the morning sky, he turns to find" - "Deciding to turn back while he could still faintly see the light of the morning sky, he turned to find"
"until she hears" - "heard"
"But it didn’t smell like water, but wine"- awkward - try "It didn't smell like water, though, but wine"
comma after "winefall"
"Lots of meets"- "meats"
comma after "could see"
"but at a gravely coast" - "but at a grave cost"
comma after "After eating the blue or green meat"
"they will die" - "they would die"
"Anyways" - not a word - "Anyway"
comma after "delicious"
"right of the bone" - "off"
comma after "Sally as well"
"yet minuets went by" - "minutes"
"and seconds can seem like days" - "could seem"
"so bitter sweet"- "so bittersweet"
no comma after "natural"
"the sky less cave" - "skyless"
period, not comma, after "the voice from above said"
comma, not period, after "ready to be eaten"
"or something along those lines"- This is funny. I suggest putting ellipses (...) after the word "pain"
period after "Sally said"
comma after "back to the voice"
comma, not period, after "insulted me somehow" - maybe delete "somehow"- she knows how it insulted her
period, not comma, after "stay quiet"
comma, not period, after "in our punishment"
"the voice, like thunder, boomed" - no commas
comma after "You both lost your chance..."
comma after "...and you"
"who's only response" - "whose"
"pay dearly to your ignorance" - "pay dearly for your ignorance"
comma after "cold hard floor"
"Your turn" - "your" (still part of the same sentence)
"growing along side" - "alongside"
comma after "Standing up"
comma after "set the sky aflame"
"Walking forward trying to find life. He then realized" - "Walking forward trying to find life, he then realized"
period or semicolon after "could not leave the valley"
comma, not period, after "do for him"
"The doctor said" - "the"
comma after "living"
"trough sobs" - "through"
period, not comma, after "sobs"
"she cried at the loss" - "She"
comma after "turned off"
You spend a lot of the story just telling about Harold and Sally walking east or west. That part can be glossed over. On the other hand, if you want us to know that these two are passionate about each other, you have to show it someplace. And some description of the characters' appearances would be useful.
You don't establish in advance what each character fears most, which would strengthen the impact of that part of the story.

[Kho-San]

Hmm, a very unique story, it has dragons and eternal life, yet it was not a story of warrior kings and brave warriors, I like what you did here, and the ending was a very nice twist.
I spotted a few spelling mistakes: "On way going east the other west." here you missed out the "e" in "one", I realize this is accidental, and anyone could have made that mistake.
The second mistake was a bit different, I don't think it was accidental:
"Harold kissed her lightly on the check" over here you wrote "check" instead of "cheek".
A great story, I look forward to reading more of your work.

[Omegax45]

Wow. I didn't expect this ending. Eternal life is overrated anyway. And yes, do not make the gods angry. No amount of begging will stop them from punishing those that have wronged them. It would make things worse. Good speliing and I don't see any grammar problems. You did a good job.