My Soul's Ship

Often without a sign,

Life changes course;

Your soul’s ship can take you into uncharted territory,

While Scylla rips at your human plans and beliefs.

 

We get comfortable in our cocoons

Warm, soft and cushioned,

Until the force of the universe

Steers us towards unknown directions

 

Gray waters turn into ice blue

The vivid colors of fish and marine beings

Once hidden,

Are now visible to a naked eye that changes colors too

 

Flecks of gold are etched into your eyes,

Forever holding the memory of you…

The light they reflect reminds me of the light

That captures the sun and stars,

But all the gold in the galaxy is not as beautiful as you.

 

In all that I do

I am conscious of you.

When I am alone

I think of your eyes

And I am no longer scared.

I think of your hair and how it smells,

And my heart no longer runs away from me.

 

My soul’s ship is a great one;

Its massive sails billow proudly,

A painted Madonna on the bow cuts into water and wind.

She is manned by an invisible crew,

Protected by a gray eyed angel. 

Reviews

[JayG]

Well done, in that you’re taking the reader with you on the journey.

It flows logically, and leads from point to point, rather than simply listing them.

I have lots of little comments but they’re more of the “I think I would have…” than, pointing out shortcomings. So keep that in mind.

• Life changes course;
A semicolon tells the reader to use less than a full stop, but this seems more an end-stop line.

•We get comfortable in our cocoons

The idea of comfortable seems at war with “rips” in the previous line. That aside, think about dropping “we get,” for a smoother read.

• Gray waters turn into ice blue
Why not just “turn to blue?” bright colored fish and ice seem to clash.

• The vivid colors of fish and marine beings
“Marine beings seems too generic. And “vivid colors” etc. seems too much like explaining, as against making the reader perceive. You might drop this in after the next line, so that line leads into this one and is amplified by it.

• Now visible to a naked eye that changes colors too
Here you lose me. First, eyes are always naked, and next, because we don’t know if “you” is the reader, or someone meaningful to the speaker. Yes, that clarifies in the next section, but you can’t retroactively remove “huh?” And you never clarify why/how the eyes change color.

• Flecks of gold are etched into your eyes,
• Forever holding the memory of you…
Again, I’m lost on how the gold on that person’s eyes holds the memory, rather than being part of the speaker’s memory.

• The light they reflect reminds me of the light
They’re gold colored, and so no more reflective than the rest of the eye, so this doesn’t work for me.

• That captures the sun and stars,
The stars and the sun are sources of light, so light doesn’t “capture them.”

• But all the gold in the galaxy is not as beautiful as you.

Here, you settled. You’re explaining. So while the thought is strong, the way it’s stated is passive, like “I love you THIS much.” And in general, gold, in and of itself, isn’t beautiful, just yellow. I know you can say this more actively, and with lots more pizazz. The idea is to make the one who hears it melt with love, not just say thank you. ;-)

• In all that I do
• I am conscious of you.
Good thought, though why not a contraction, to make it feel less formal. And why not drop “that” for a more personal feel?

• When I am alone
• I think of your eyes
• And I am no longer scared.
Again, passively explaining. Something like, “Your loving gaze is my bulwark against fear,” though not your voice, is a more active presentation. Never forget that the goal is not to inform, it’s to make the reader say, “Oh my god, I wish I could have said it like that.” And of course, if you can say something in fewer words, while maintaining your unique voice, it has more impact.

• I think of your hair and how it smells,
“Smells” is negative. “Scent is positive.” And, when possible, lead with what matters.

• And my heart no longer runs away from me.
Sorry, but on reading that my thought was, “I hope my heart never runs away.” ;-)

• Its massive sails billow proudly,
Drop massive, it adds nothing significant.

• A painted Madonna on the bow cuts into water and wind.

Perhaps a painting of the one loved, but what this seems a non-sequitur.

• She is manned by an invisible crew,
• Protected by a gray eyed angel.
In line with “important stuff first,” I’d suggest:

“guided by unseen hands,
and protected by my gray eyed angel.”

And a last quibble: After all the focus on gold in the eyes, “gray” seems not to connect, for me.

But again, this is far better then the majority of what I read here. So keep it up!

[redhors]

Thank you! I really appreciate a TRUE critique. I thought I would find more people on here that did that but you seem to be the only so far... Thank you again so much, I will take your comments into great consideration :)

[EdgarAllanPoet]

Very detailed imagery. Great love poem!

[C. Rose]

favorite line: comfortable in your cocoon

[Shy_muse]

I LOVE this poem!! It is so incredibly beautiful and full of meaning. You are a very skilled writer... keep it up! I can't wait to read more. Thank you for sharing! < 3

[redhors]

Thank you so much!

[Dave]

What a beautiful expression of your love. Whoever the object
of this is, is very fortunate.