13 to 22

I told her I love her

Thief, I called him.

He broke down my walls

and took my title.

Stranger, I called him.

He licked his way into my mouth 

without asking.

Friend, he called me,

and made me an addict.

He broke down my skin 

and left for a younger girl; 

something like a gypsy.

A woman’s name, I gave him then,

and cried bullets into his back.

A funny name I called this other one. 

He was a trophy. 

He was a prince, so pretty!

He was a fight for breath and a long drink of no.9

but a funny name I kept calling him,

and gave him up.

Dear future, I called another one.

He was a four hour flight.

He wouldn’t call,

we wouldn’t speak,

and he didn’t like any of my friends.

He lied to me, too.

I never felt at home with him as I do in Joe’s arms

but loved him anyways.

I left him for Joe and a girl who hated me.

I fell in love with a woman.

She’s a wonder made of all the good things.

She’s a librarian, a therapist, 

a deep breath of serenity.

She put her life in a walnut box

and handed it to me.

I love you, I said to her today,

she told me she knew.

You’re my everything, I said,

she understood.

Author's Note

let me know what you think!
(note: 'no.9' refers to the song Love Potion no.9 by The Clovers)

Reviews

[ashkat]

Ugh. Your writing is disgustingly good. I don't get on here often enough. My work pc does not like this site for some reason.

But every time I get here... I head straight to you and am never disappointed. You have a really distinctive voice, you know xx

[redalia]

i can't tell you how much that means to me, thank you a million times!

[merit]

:)
Its got a very nice flow and i like the wording also the story you tell;)

[Einstein Noodle]

a great song ..with so many good romantic memories of those 50s and 60s ;)
what a fine tuned read says i! the story telling is inspiring in its language and imagery ... the first person perspectives is powerful to me as you introduce the others through it ..i really like that! the font change and first words of those verses is powerful..i read them as puncuations fo feelings .. that was a little more subtle with "Friend,..." and emphasizes a positive turn in outlook with "Dear future,..." and then re-enforces it with "I love you..." and "You’re my everything,..." the walnut box surprised me a bit ..walnut is a sturdy and beautiful wood ... and should have a more romantic ring to it on first reading ..but on thinking ..i see it deep colored...smoothed with handling and care .. i kind of really got into this one redalia .. i am so glad to have met you. :)
E.

[redalia]

it's an inspiring song, isn't it?
i'm happy you enjoyed reading.
devotion doesn't need to seem or feel romantic at first, in my opinion. a walnut box is one of the sturdiest you could find!
thank you so much, i'm glad to have met you too! x

[Einstein Noodle]

yes...my Da' use to make a lot of things with walnut ... you are so welcome ..see ya around :))

[merit]

i think that this is my favourite one sofar;)

[Zyphril]

I appreciate what this means.

Very good structure for this piece. I could feel each stanza.

You have a gift. Continue utilizing it and do not stop.

The only criticism I could give you is maybe you could utilize a more distinct vocabulary to make your voice truly yours. The way you word things seems a bit dull. I only say this because I sense the potential and know you could do much better in the future.

Again, thank you for this piece.

[redalia]

thank you for reading and for your lovely words. i really appreciate the criticism, i'll keep it in mind and hopefully improve!