People say that you should blame the families when you see a girl on the street, a girl on drugs, a girl about to die from a suicide attempt, a girl who tried to make herself thin through not eating. Yes that girl was and is my sister. Blame me if you want, I did and still do. I will always have the picture of the day she nearly died engraved into my head. Not only did I miss all the signs but I didn’t even realize it at all. No my mum was the first to notice and even then it was too late. She had just always been so skinny and we had a lot of problems, I honestly just thought she was depressant or down like the rest of us. The mood swings of an unhappy teen come early at the age of 13. But I was wrong and we only noticed that when things finally started looking up, we became happy and she became worse. I still remember the day she was dragged of to hospital it was during my exams at school. I came home to a house that was empty and a phone call saying where she was and why. That night I took care of my baby sister until my step dad arrived. Then I waited for mum. It was 12.00pm when she made it home after having a fight with my sister, restraining her and being slapped. And of course all the nurses assumed it was our fault. Why wouldn’t they my dad believed it, so did half my family and so did we. I am her big sister I am supposed to protect her and keep her safe not let her life slip through the cracks in front of my eyes. And it was my so called dad who decided to stick the knife in. I was such a wreck in school and out it was so hard to bring myself to see her. But when I finally did he had to say something. “She has missed you. Why the hell don’t you see her more often? Why don’t you try to help her?” He was right I should have seen her more often but I couldn’t school and exams and now this it was too hard. And when I did see her she wasn’t my sister not the one that I knew. She had changed she still has. And that’s when the anger grew it started there and took over. So many things. She had done this to herself! She has put us through hell and when we found out what the problem was it was she didn’t want to go school. Not because she was being bullied. No. She just didn’t like it like any other child in the world! Selfish! And then there was my dad. I always knew he wasn’t much of a dad but to see him fathering her. Helping her spending money he would never spend on me on her. It made me so angry. Ever since then she has got everything off him and I have got nothing. He blames me and my mum and he has never held back in telling us. This was the lowest point in my life the point where my feelings as a sister changed.
Of course she will always be my sister but know 2 years on I still feel the same. She has changed and pulled herself out of a terrible thing. I will respect her for that always. But I don’t know. It’s just now I look at her and still feel hate and worry. Worry that one day it may come back and that my mum won’t be there to help me. One day she will have a family and get pregnant what happens then? But now I also feel no strong bound with her like I used to. Not like with my baby sister. Now I see her and sometimes wish she wasn’t here. Sometimes wish I could yell and scream at her. Now I show no affection towards her, I just can’t do it. And I HATE MYSELF for it! I am supposed to be her sister to protect her and help her. I know I love her, but I just don’t know if I like her. I know it sounds wrong and it feels wrong to, but I can’t just throw away all that I have felt. Being the sister of an anorexic is a scary and angry world. Full of worry and hate. Worry that one day it will come back. Hate that she has put us through this.
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