Chapter One (revised)

I revised the chapter based on some suggestions from friends and family.

The wind blew her hair into her face. Wow, I thought, she's so beautiful. Her pale blue eyes lit up in the moonlight as I swept her long, tangled, brown hair out of her face. She grabbed my hand as I touched her face. 

"Ky?" Amelia looked up at me, "Why doesn't the universe want us to be together?"

I wasn't sure what to say, so I did the only thing I knew that would calm her fears. I moved in closer until our lips met. As I pulled away, her arms tightened around me. She laid her head on my shoulder.

We could never be together, and we both knew that. Amelia was the daughter of Rebel leader Mark Zummer, and I was the son of Allegiance Military General, Susan Marks. Amelia and I would be killed if anyone found out about our relationship. Our entire relationship depended on the cover of night, where we would meet at the creek behind City Hall. I remembered that this was our last night together. 

I looked down at my watch. I have to meet the guys before we take off to Chicago tomorrow. "Amelia. You know I love you, right?"

"Yeah. I know." She knew that I had to go. She hugged me one last time. "I'll see around."

I was being recruited by the Allegiance Army to fight Rebels in Chicago. The Northern United States was owned by the Allegiance, which still relied on a democratic system, and the Southern United States was owned by the Rebels, who only wanted a single leader, a dictator. When I graduated from the Battlefield, I was at the top of my class, best student in every subject. This school didn't have your normal subjects like math and reading, rather its subjects were more hand-to-hand combat, archery, and survival skills. 

The Rebels were trying to take over Chicago because they knew it was one of our biggest ports. For the last fifty years, the Rebels wanted to overthrow the Allegiance. The AA's job was to keep that from happening.

As I walked back to the main dining hall of the barracks, I felt something in my jacket pocket. I pulled out a letter with the words Do Not Read Until You're On The Train - A. I wondered what could be in the letter, but I decided to obey Amelia's wishes and wait until tomorrow to open the letter. 

I walked into the dining hall, where everyone in my squadron was already waiting. 

"Ky, you sneaky devil! Where you been?" J.C., my best friend asked as I moved closer to the front of the hall.

"That's none of your business, scumbag." We always teased each other. J.C. had been one of the new recruits the same year as me. We instantly became friends.

"Whoa now! No need to be all testy!" he winked.

The energy in the room was high. Everyone was nervous about moving out in the morning. Most of them had said their goodbyes earlier in the day. Few of them had no family at all, which was why they joined the AA in the first place.  

"Alright, maggots! We leave at 0500. I expect everyone in this room to be ready to leave at 0400. If any of you are having second thoughts about joining, please leave now. You aren't welcome here. For the rest of you, get some sleep. You're gonna need it if we are going to show the Rebel d*****s what Freedom is about!"

The entire dining hall roared with applause and cheering.

"We're gonna show those idiots what we're made of!" One girl yelled from the back of the room.

The cheering lasted for about ten minutes. After everyone calmed down and left for their cabins, I walked down the hall to my room. The hall seemed so long. It's beige walls felt like they were closing in on me. I felt like I should've left the room during my speech. I was having second thoughts, but not about going to fight. About leaving Amelia. The knot in my stomach grew bigger with every step I took. 

When I arrived at my room, I stuck in my key and opened the door. I had a captain's room. It was slightly bigger than the rest, but the way I was feeling now made it seem so tiny. My bed was in the middle of the room, with a small nightstand next to it. On the opposite wall was a white dresser about four feet tall. I sat on the bed and took off my shoes. I didn't even bother to change out of my clothes before I crawled under the blanket. All I could think about was the letter Amelia gave me. I knew leaving tomorrow was going to be one of the hardest things I ever done. 

Author's Note

If you find something I could improve on, please don't be afraid to tell me.

Reviews

[Alleyway Rover]

It’s getting better. I see that you’re getting into the meat of the story more.

The first thing I still notice, I feel like you’re rushing the scene between Ky and Amelia. This conflict, right here, is the conflict that is carrying this book. These characters are going to be the ones taking us through the story. This is our first introduction to both, so really show us what they are like.

You talk about the conflict between them right in this paragraph:

“We could never be together, and we both knew that. Amelia was the daughter of Rebel leader Mark Zummer, and I was the son of Allegiance Military General, Susan Marks. Amelia and I would be killed if anyone found out about our relationship. Our entire relationship depended on the cover of night, where we would meet at the creek behind City Hall. I remembered that this was our last night together. ”

I talked about showing not telling on the last piece I reviewed for you. That goes doubly here. This is the conflict, I feel that this needs to enter the between them somehow. Maybe they make plans together for after the war, maybe they make plans to each go AWOL... Hell maybe they have nice, long, drag-out fight about it. Or maybe they talk about everything except for this each pretending this is not a reality.

Or any of a hundred different other options.

Bottom line, how your characters react to this situation is what is going to make your characters different from, say, my characters. The choices they make, their words and their actions is the thing that will draw people to them.

Which leads me to this question:

“I expect everyone in this room to be ready to leave at 0400. If any of you are having second thoughts about joining, please leave now.”

This was really interesting to me. If Ky can leave at any time, why doesn’t he? It sounds like he is having second thoughts, so why doesn’t he say ‘screw it’ and go be with Amelia? You mention that he doesn’t have second thoughts about the fight which tells me that he’s got one hell of an internal conflict going on: The woman he loves vs the cause he believes in.

This is an awesome conflict… like staggeringly awesome. You really need to play this up more. And again, how you choose to do it is up to you. He could have a discussion with his friend, this could be the discussion or fight with Amelia… he could internalize it… whatever. But there is something here that will ramp up the tension and exitement to 11. And how Ky does deal with this will be a huge test of his character.

Like I said. It’s getting better. There are conflicts and themes emerging that I think you may have had in your own head, but they really didn’t show on the page until just now.

I would suggest you really focus that scene between Ky and Amelia. It’s going to be a b*****d to write and it’s one of those scenes that you will probably write and rewrite so many times you lose count. But I think you will learn a lot about your characters in the process.

Good luck and keep writing.
Cheers!