Chapter One

The wind blew her hair into her face. Wow, I thought, she's so beautiful. Her pale blue eyes lit up in the moonlight as I swept her long, tangled, brown hair out of her face. She grabbed my hand as I touched her face. 

"Ky?" Amelia looked up at me, "Why doesn't the universe want us to be together?"

I wasn't sure what to say, so I did the only thing I knew that would calm her fears. I moved in closer until our lips met. As I pulled away, her arms tightened around me. She laid her head on my shoulder.

We could never be together, and we both knew that. Amelia was the daughter of Rebel leader Mark Zummer, and I was the son of Alliegiant Military General, Susan Marks. Amelia and I would be killed if anyone found out about our relationship. Our entire relationship depened on the cover of night, where we would meet at the creek behind City Hall. 

We first met on the Battlefield, a place where Rebels and Alliegiants were trained. We were seperated into seperate wings of the building until it came time to fight. Amelia had gotten lost one night and stumbled into our wing. Once everyone had realized who she was, they wanted to kill her. If I hadn't calmed everyone down and told them that if we killed her we would all be expelled and probably be disowned from our families, she would be dead. I walked her back to her side of the building.

"So..." I hesitated to talk to her, "what's your name again?"

"Amelia," she said nervously. Her brown hair was pulled up into a high ponytail which fell to the small of her back. Strange, I thought, most Rebels cut their hair before they come to the Battlefield. The tight orange and black suit clung to her, excentuating her girlish figure. She had pale blue eyes that I thought could see straight to my soul. 

"I'm Ky," I said trying to calm her nerves. "You're Mark Zummer's daughter?"

She nodded her head. "Not really something I like to mention when I first meet someone."

"Really? Why?"

"Most people are terrified that if they talk to me, I'll have them thrown in some kind of dungeon." 

I laughed. "Well, let's hope you find me cute enough not to do that," I winked at her."

She smiled. "You're nice. Not like the other people I've met here." 

We talked all the way back to her wing. When we got to the border that seperated the two sides, I told her that we'd meet back here tomorrow and talk some more. As the months went by, we grew closer and closer. She would tell me about growing up in the Capitol, and I told her about growing up in the shadow of my mother. Eventually, we started to have feelings for each other. We tried to keep them at bay, but we started to meet in the back of the building and things just sort of happened. She's the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I felt the cold chill of wind snap me back to reality. I remembered that this was our last night together. I was being recruited by the Alliegiant Army to fight Rebels in Chicago. The Northern United States was owned by the Alliegiance, which still relied on a democratic system, and the Southern United States was owned by the Rebels, who only wanted a single leader, a dictator. When I gratuated from the Battlefield, I was at the top of my class, best student in every subject. This school didn't have your normal subjects like math and reading, rather its subjects were more hand-to-hand combat, archery, and survival skills. 

The Rebels were trying to take over Chicago beacuse they knew it was one of our biggest ports. For the last fifty years, the Rebels wanted to overthrow the Alliegiance. The AA's job was to keep that from happening.

Reviews

[Alleyway Rover]

Cheers, I was just randomly browsing the ins and outs of Writers Cafe when I happened upon this first chapter and it struck me, right off the bat as kind of interesting so I decided to give it a looksee.

A little about myself, I tend to be highly critical of all writing. I always aim to keep it positive and constructive, but I do offer a lot of critizism and that occassionally makes people angry around these parts. If that is not something you are looking for, let me know.

Also, this is just one random dude’s opinion, nothing more. So take it for what it’s worth.

Okay let’s take a look:

“The wind blew her hair into her face. Wow, I thought, she's so beautiful. Her pale blue eyes lit up in the moonlight as I swept her long, tangled, brown hair out of her face. She grabbed my hand as I touched her face. 
"Ky?" Amelia looked up at me, "Why doesn't the universe want us to be together?",

Pretty good beginning. The conflict is front and center and it’s one of the first things that drew me in. However, as I continued in this chapter, I wonder if this really is the best place to start your story. I will talk more about this in a moment.

“We first met on the Battlefield, a place where Rebels and Alliegiants were trained. We were seperated into seperate wings of the building until it came time to fight. Amelia had gotten lost one night and stumbled into our wing. Once everyone had realized who she was, they wanted to kill her. If I hadn't calmed everyone down and told them that if we killed her we would all be expelled and probably be disowned from our families, she would be dead. I walked her back to her side of the building.”

All telling, no showing here. I think if you want to talk about how they first met, really tell the story. Talk about how Ameilia was stumbling through halls, prossibly scared, possibly nearly panicked, possibly trying to appear calm… whatever. That’s something tied heavily into who Ameilia is as a character. Show that moment when it looks like she is going to die and, most importantly, show us exactly what Ky says and/or does to save her life. Moreover, why does he do that? What makes him different then every other person?

Always show don’t just tell. Showing is much more interesting. Moreover, showing is how you make characters jump from the page and come alive in our minds.

“I remembered that this was our last night together. I was being recruited by the Alliegiant Army to fight Rebels in Chicago. The Northern United States was owned by the Alliegiance, which still relied on a democratic system, and the Southern United States was owned by the Rebels, who only wanted a single leader, a dictator. When I gratuated from the Battlefield, I was at the top of my class, best student in every subject. This school didn't have your normal subjects like math and reading, rather its subjects were more hand-to-hand combat, archery, and survival skills. ”

Same thing here. Show us all this. Show us the differences between the two warring sides by, perhaps conversation between Ky and his fellow soldiers, “We fight for Freedom, me! Let’s show those oppressive Rebel b******s what for!”

Or maybe between Ky and Amelia, “Amelia, I love you, but you can’t seriously think the world would be better with that.. that… murderer leading the entire world do you?”

Or maybe in some briefing where Ky’s mission in Chicago is set out, “Never forget men. This is a fight for Democracy and Freedom. The Rebels are encamped around Navy Pier 5, we begin and amphibious assault…”

I think you get the idea. Find ways to sneak this information into the situation. Dialogue is a great method for doing that, but only if it is natural. Don’t ever have someone say, “Well Ky, as you know, we are in a war with…”

Lastly I started talking about where you want to start this story. From this chapter and this chapter alone, I feel like you have two options: Right now, you are starting right before Ky ships off to Chicago. This is cool because it follows a handy writer maxim, “Start as late in the story as you can.”

That being said, if this is where you want to start the story, leave out the ‘How they met’ back story for now. Save it for a moment when it becomes absolutly necissary to tell the story. It’s possible you never need to tell that story, by the way. YOU should know how these star-crossed lovers met, because you should know every intimate detail about these characters you’ve created. But that doesn’t mean that me, as the reader, needs to know. If it’s important to the story, then tell us when it becomes important. If not, leave it out.

The other possibility is that your story really does start when they met. This is very plausible since the entire conflict in this story revolves around this couple stuck on opposite sides of the war. So maybe you start with that scene with Amelia lost and Ky stepping forward, across battle lines, and protecting her. If that is the case then this moment, the moment where Ky get’s shipped off to Chicago could start late in the Second Act right where all the tension and conflict is building to explosive levels.

Something to think about at least.

Overall I like the ideas you have. It’s a cool world that you’ve started to build. I look forward to seeing where and how you go with it.

Cheers!

[Rebekah Craig]

Thanks! I can see where you're coming from on a lot of things. I always have had trouble figuring exactly how to write certain things, so thanks for your criticism. I hope you can continue telling me more things like this the further I get into the story. I think I will rewrite this chapter and post it again as an edited version.

[Alleyway Rover]

I'll keep an eye out. Until then, good luck.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Awwww man, I am suddenly very much reminded of Romeo and Juliet, and even more so of this off Broadway musical called Urinetown because of their parents representing two opposing factions! It will be interesting to find out whether one of them is pulled to the other side hence being a traitor to their parent or whether both decide the whole thing is absurd