This is My Approach

I'm borderline and I'm an alcoholic.

No matter what anyone says, they can't take that away from me. 

I used to believe I was burdened or cursed because of the stigma, but where did that stigma come from? The actions of the people with the disorders. Not the actual disorder itself.

Being mentally ill was bad and only being normal would ever make me happy. Right? I caused myself more pain than I could have ever caused anyone else because I lived in constant fear of myself. What would others think if I admitted my disorders and truly accepted them? They would fear me, too. 

But these disorders happen in my mind to begin with, so that's where any sort of action I could take would originate.

And that's the approach I decided to take.

I've come to realize that it makes me analyze and reason with reality. It makes me question everything. It makes maintaining myself and my life a high priority, and that requires constant thought. The research and learning is endless. It actually makes me smarter as time passes.

For a long time, I lived in denial of my disorders because I did not have them. I would say harsh things because I felt like it. I would hit, scream, drink heavily, and ignore anything that indicated I was wrong in doing these things. I could justify everything. 

I wish I could say love changed me, but it didn't. 

Because I was right, I was always right. 

I lost all my friends, I lost my family, I even came very close to losing the love of my life. I care immensely so I would romanticize the drama just to feel something other than guilt. I would cry in the rain and listen to sad songs. I've written my fair share of apology letters, but never intended to actually fix anything. I'd eventually move on, blaming everyone and everything else for the pain they caused me, but moving on in the same direction ignorance was taking me wasn't moving on at all. 

“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”

I had to learn. I had to be ready to learn. The thrill of the drama had fizzled out and I craved a life of authenticity. I wanted true love and to learn what that was or felt like. I became completely alone, so I had no one to justify myself to anymore except myself. 

Which wasn't working because I knew.

When I could convince someone I was right, or at least make them question that I could be, then I was right and I could believe it. I was mentally exhausted trying to keep up the charade.

That's when I decided to become smarter.

I started with accepting my disorders. Truly accepting them, like I accepted how I accept that I'm allergic to nickel or that carbs make me gain weight. I am borderline and I am an alcoholic. Which is where I'm at now and where I'll always be. It's like a college course that has no final term, no end date, and it can be quite exciting. There are so many mental abilities that I'm gifted with and I'm learning to utilize them. I am no longer ashamed because no one can take this away from me. I learned what the term "tools" meant, but furthermore, I'm learning how to use them.

What I do know for absolute certainty is that my disorders do not make me a bad person. They don't make me abnormal or into a monster that should be feared. It's a safe place I can reside back to when I am not right, instead of lashing out and immediately believing I am. I'm forced to stop and think. I ask myself if it could have been my borderline or my alcoholism and if I did everything with that power to make it right or wrong. If I'm honest enough, then I can figure out how I can make the situation better. If at all.

I rationalize letting go, that not everything needs a conclusion. That sometimes situations just aren't going to go any certain way no matter what I do, and that it is not in my control in the first place. 

And isn't that all anyone is really trying to do with their thoughts? It seems pretty normal to me.

I am no where near the end of my road and I honestly I don't want to be anymore. My disorders make me smarter than I believe I ever would have been without them.

And that is something to be appreciative of.

Author's Note

Quote by: Martin Luther King Jr.

Reviews

[An owl on the moon]

Have truly missed your writing here, your profoundly moving, personal life lyrics. You have always dealt straight with life, with yourself through your words. And the power I felt in your thoughts was first for yourself, the freedom it is to accept yourself so fully, and then for the rest of us reading, who may still be trying to hide from ourselves, or to hide our true selves from the world. Welcome back, Rebecca. Know you're always welcome here.

[Charlotte Flores]

your story has well described the inner feelings of an addicted and disordered person. In my opinion reading this story is necessary for people who are involved in addiction and it can help them to return to life and hope.

[Chris]

Welcome back. How's life treating you?

[Rebecca Hope Rouston]

Good! I'm surprised you remember me. How have you been?

[Chris]

Dealing with health issues. But am dealing.

[Kent Rawski]

I guess you are becoming aware of things you didn't know yourself as living under a label can be a life sentence but now perhaps you are embracing a new chapter in your life many sentences and paragraphs in this chapter but don't forget that sentence just remember it sent you in search of a new day God bless

[Chris]

Real or Memorex? Is a good piece, has meaning and depth. Provides a good char depiction and builds on the emotional content.