I Wonder If They Know

I walk into the tall building.  Greeted by deans and teachers, I walk to the library to distance myself from my grade downstairs.  I can't let them see how scared I am.  I can't let them see how badly I wish to be home.  I wonder if they know how stressed out I am.

Class one.  The teacher has the students practice new Spanish vocabulary.  I mouth the words, as to not have to hear the tremble of my own voice.  When asked a question, I seem shy and asked to speak up.  Next time, I say.  I don't do it next time.  I wonder if I know how much I don't want to be here.

Class three.  I have had a bit of a break.  Chemistry.  Oh god, chemistry.  A hard class with vicious students.  Everyone there is more popular than me, everyone treats me like I am invisible.  Why is this so hard for them to realize.  I wonder if they know how much it hurts.

Lunch.  This should be easy, considering I can be with my friends.  For some reason, it doesn't seem complete.  I can't act confused or upset, because I wouldn't know how to explain it if someone asked.  I wonder if they know how conflicted I am.

Class seven.  Usually, this is gym.  Team sports.  I don't get picked last, but I never get passed to.  Again, I wonder if they know how much of a ghost I feel like.

Class nine.  Last period.  English.  Looking at the clock, wondering when it will be 3:20 and I can finally go home.  It's exhausting, being anxious and sad.  I wonder if they know how I feel.

I wonder if they know how stressed out I am.  I wonder if they know how much I don't want to be here.  I wonder if they know how much it hurts.  I wonder if they know how conflicted I am.  I wonder if they know how much of a ghost I feel like.  I wonder if they know how I feel.

Reviews

[ANTO]

In the 2nd line the speaker is greeted by Deans and Teachers (no doubt their greetings are returned), in the 3rd line avoidant behaviour is deployed and in lines 4 and 5 it's obvious that there is deployment of a mask to hide things and thus they will never know how much like the graceful swan (all gliding above and frenetic turmoil below just to 'get from A to B').

This is all too familiar of my own school days and people may have an intuitive feeling that you aren't 100% good but with so much going on in their own lives they may choose subconsciously not to see it for fear they may have to help you deal with it. That's the bottom line about 90% of the population.

"...how much of a ghost I feel..." - heartbreakingly familiar
well penned Rebecca Pall.