First

I've always tried to put others first.

Not because I necessarily thought it was right,

But it made me happy to see others happy.

By showing the world how beautiful it was,

I felt a sense of completion.

But getting pushed around and made to feel imperfect 

Showed me the true, painfully dark world.

Perhaps I tried to help the world too much

And in the process, lost my luster.

I've made myself into this hideous creature

Without passion or strive,

Or goals and ambition.

And I can't break the walls I've built around myself.

Someone call out to me.

How long must I fake this tarnished smile

And make the world think I'm okay.

Make the world think it's still gorgeous..

Must I only cry in the dark?

For now, I can't let the world feel ugly.

Maybe it's alright to make the world

Feel as I do, I sometimes think.

Perhaps doing so will make me feel real, alive.
Human.

But no, not now.

No more selfish thought.

Reviews

[Davidgeo]

"it made me happy to see others happy"
You describe western culture's altruistic narcissism problem.

It's not that easy to be genuinely happy with yourself. Most of how we define it is fake now.

The help we provide others will always be distorted if we aren't happy with ourselves first.
It will become counterproductive, "help" always comes with the weight of an ulterior motive, it becomes transactional... everyone ends up unhappy eventually that way.

I've been drinking, it's possible none of that made any sense at all.

[Chris]

Seems you need to pause, catch a breath ...catch a break too. From this one poem ...so much can be heard - you were heard this time and felt.

[alifeacoustic]

We all wear masks more for others benefit than for our own, but sometimes by wearing that mask, we forget what the person underneath looks like and truly is. I don't think it is selfish thought to contemplate your place in life and in other peoples lives, it is all part of the bigger picture that we only get to glimpse.
The world can still be a beautiful place if we let it. There is nothing wrong with caring for others or what is around you, we just have to learn to be who we truly are and not let others dictate who we are and who we become.
You have a good heart to ask these questions. Putting others first probably comes as naturally to you as breathing. Be the person you truly are. You are so un-un-beautiful in every way, your words and expressions here show that clearly.
A wonderfully creative and thought provoking write. Thank you for sharing with us.